A reply to the question "What is Happiness"

Happiness is a good feeling in your heart, tummy and mind. It doesn't matter if you're volunteering in Burma or a CEO of the Playboy Mansion.. so long as you wake up every day with that warm fuzzy feeling.. that is happy!! I drew myself a picture and put it by my refrigerator so I could see it every morning when I first moved into the barn. It says "choose to be happy" It all starts with a choice and I lost that simple idea when I lived with Mike because I was so angry and discusted with him and myself. I had to re-learn that simple thing...that simple CHOICE. And you know, I was thinking about what you said about I have only been doing this for 6 months. It's easy to see the great progress I've made in the past six months but it's taken two years since I first decided that I was tired of being miserable and I wanted to be happy! I remember I had to google "how to be happy" because I had no idea where to begin. NONE. I read all about "loving myself" and "finding myself" and all that crap and had no idea what it meant. I was frustrated with this nonsense so of course I tried to find a more "logical" solution. My first insite was when I read about "The Law of Attraction" and I learned to put into my mind that I wanted happiness. I didn't know what it was but I knew I had to find it. And it lead me to take each piece of my life and study it and if it didn't make me happy I left it behind. It took a lot of trial and error, mistakes, steps backward, burned bridges, giant leaps of faith and just stepping off cliffs but in the end... it was totally worth it. I am a creature of habit... and I don't like to let go of what "I know" because it's secure and I learn to work with it. These past two years have been hard because I've had to let go of EVERYTHING I've known in order to find my Happy. The past six months have been the last stretch of the marathon where I could actually see the light and everything clicked and I finally found the key. If I had changed one thing about the path I've been on, I bet I wouldn't be where I am today.

back pedal!

I sent this to his work email last night guessing he wouldn't be in today:

I know it's over. So what if you don't love me as much as you thought you did, I get that, I'm a big girl. I saw it coming. It's a risk I was willing to take to be with the love of my life.


Why delete me from Facebook and not talk to me anymore? No need to just turn your back on me completely like I did something wrong. I think the hardest part of this is now I don't have you to talk to about my feelings, hopes, fears and nonsense like I have for the last 2 years. Just because you aren't passionate for me doesn't mean I don't want you in my life as a friend.

I just had to get that out there, hopefully one day you'll let me back in. I fear I really must've done something wrong to warrant the hasty retreat.

Sorry to bother you otherwise.
_______-----______-----______

Then I regretted it. Thinking maybe I really didn't want to know what is going on in his life. If he pushed me away this far so fast.. it has to be for a reason. I know I didn't do anything wrong. Although sometimes I do wonder why people push me out of their lives like that. I wonder if I have a split personality I don't know about. I know I'm not the most stable person but my mood changes are pretty normal. I think the problems that I talk about are normal and that we are supposed to tell our friends & loved ones what goes in our heads and lives. Maybe I'm wrong? Am I supposed to be happy and un-emotional all the time?

So I sent him an email this morning apologizing for bothering him and to just delete it and I'll leave him alone.

I've got to keep my head together. This is tough. My feelings are split. My mind says I'll be fine. I'm going through withdrawals and disbelief right now. But my body won't let me sleep or eat. There is another realization that I am coming to terms with. This is something I've never felt before... I can't even put it into words even though it's been said thousands of times before and deserves to be announced on a different post. So I shall save it for a different post.

nebbamine...

He broke up with me.. said he wasn't in love with me and wanted to make it clear that he didn't have anyone else.
ermmm.. I didn't think he did till then!
Oh well. Now I don't have to worry about all THAT!

Now I shall begin with my real life mission... Crazy Cat Lady!!!

so you can remember Mike

Wednesday March 10 in response to his letter to me....

Yes, you are exactly right. I will say that if you hadn’t treated me like shit and then cheated on me then it wouldn’t be like this. You took me for granted and on top of it all LIED & cheated on me.

I didn’t want you to give me space because I wanted to see what you were talking about that your wall was down. I wanted to see if I liked it and what it was all about. I was hoping that I could grow to forgive you and love you all at the same time. I was actually getting the attention from you that I had craved for so long.

When you blocked me out again, I realized that I didn’t have the heart to withstand the wall. I’d rather just walk away than to go through that pain one more time. I’m like a burn victim right now.. getting near any heat makes it sting that much worse.

I still find myself trying to be kind to you and treat you in a loving manner, even though I’m so resentful and angry at you. And it pisses me off that I do that. So I’m just going to tell you like it is.

The time I’ve spent away from you has surprised me. I’m actually enjoying life more than I thought I would. Yes, it’s hard because I’m alone but there are a lot of things I don’t miss about you…..

The way you would sit in your chair and use your laptop as a wall to block me.

The way it was impossible to move in for a kiss or a hug.

The way you hated what I wore even down to my shoes.

The way you would start each statement with “that’s what I said” even though It wasn’t even an issue.

The way you would not thank me for how I supported us for the whole time we were together.

If I bought or got anything for myself you would be pissy and ask “where’s mine?”

It pisses me off how it pained you to even give me any kind of massage when I was in pain and you expected me to take care of you like that.

No affection and no physical contact made me feel like I was disgusting.

How you would reject me for sex over and over and then come to find out you were finding women on the internet to fuck.

You took for granted that when you were out fucking your boss Billie from Gold's (saw the nice vagina pic of her in your naked picture collection) I had dinner waiting for you at home. The house was always clean and the laundry always done. When it came time for you to be home, you decided we should alternate house cleaning and actually sat and watched me do it! And bitched when I didn’t notice what you did.

You were so angry at me because I asked you to do some stuff while you were off work that you through a fit, left for the weekend and finally told me I could leave if I wasn’t happy. Clayton gave you away on that one too.. he mentioned all the texts you were getting while you were away.. I knew they weren't from me because I wasn't texting you.

The next month you kicked me out because of an argument we had.

I hate now that you somehow find money to buy things that could have went to sharing the bills I paid. You don’t have money for gas but you have money for other stuff.

You brought up in every fight that you can’t take me places because someone might recognize me. I think you didn’t want to take me out for fear you would run into some of your fuck buddies.

(I should have included: Remember all those times you would find me on the couch after we went to bed? You asked me what was wrong and I would tell you my nose was running. It was running because I was crying. Or how about the day I cried all day long because you were such a dick. I hadn't even done anything wrong to be treated that way!! I needed affection, to be held, touched, kissed, loved and you had pushed me away, I felt alone and rejected and you didn't care.)

I think you miss me only for what I did for you and how I took care of you. You don’t love me for me. You still can’t tell me reasons why you love me other than what I do for you.

You’re hurting now while I’m away. I was hurting every day being rejected by you. When I said I forgot about waking up and choosing to be happy, it was because I was waking up next to you angry and resentful from being pushed away coldly the night before, from never being able to please you and from feeling disgusting and ugly.

Yes, you may be showing me the man I want and need now. That doesn’t take away the resentment and anger over the way you treated me and THEN even though I treated you like a king….. cheated on me anyway. Think about that for a minute. You're showing me the man you KNEW you should be then. If you knew it and didn't show it.. then you didn't care!! And honestly, if you hadn't had a job or gotten into college by April.. I was going to leave you anyway. I felt like I was being used, no affection, no love and you only thought of yourself. I wanted so much for you to show me you loved me that I wanted to wait as long as possible and give you every opportunity.

How can a man change that much? I have no idea. You need a lot of help. I unload on you now so you see the things I saw and know what you did. Meanwhile, I’m going to be working through my anger, hurt and resentment on my end. I may not always make the right decisions in my path, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to get hurt again.

“these days ahead are hard and we will learn a great deal about ourselves”

Like I said on Monday.. I need time to heal, time to forgive and time to work on me. please keep your distance. This is part of my healing process.

------------

Lucky You

Lucky you.... to be able to peer out from the great wall you've built around yourself to see a beautiful sunshiney world full of the people that love you cheering you on and coaxing you out with their hearts on their sleeve.

Lucky you... to be able to embrace a warm bright future made up of the people that have loved you all along and be able to quickly walk away from that cold dark place you left behind. Not looking back. Shaking off the cobwebs and cold chill so feverishly.. like a dog fresh out of a bath. .. All Sunshine and heartsong looking forward... compared to that cramped, cold, dark place you leave in your midst.

Lucky me.. to be stuck in the world you left behind. To be dragged with you whilst scratching at the earth left in my dark cell... for that is where the pieces of my heart<3 are left.. scattered. Cut off from you, cut off from the world.

No.. I can't go with you, not yet. Not till I find all the pieces that you've scattered in this dark dingy cell you've lived in for so long. How did I end up here anyway?

So happy.. that you found a new way of life. That you've tossed away your old ways. Like day old panties... No more lying for you! You've finally learned your ways didn't work! Your about-face ... my heart <3 as your pivot point... has left my heart<3 squished under tread.

No.. I can't follow you on your joy trip. I can't leave without what is rightfully mine to fit together, lovingly and let it mend with time. This time I do it right. For me. You can't take that from me!

No.. I can't find another way around trusting you. I did that once, wholeHEART<3dly and you spat on it because you were too afraid to loose the love that was offered to you. These excuses I don't understand..

I'm so happy for you that you get to enjoy your freedom out in the sun. Please.. go without me. I'd rather enjoy my shade while my heart<3 mends than to leave it behind and live without it forever.

If you must... wait for me.. but don't do it to be a martyr. I need not your sorrow. I need not your patience nor your new-found virtue. Leave me in peace.

I'll catch up.. in a lifetime or two. I think I'll enjoy the meandering stroll I'll take when I'm ready.

Leave me in peace..

movin on

Well I've moved in to a rental house with a friend and her daughter. The house is old and drafty but it feels wonderful. We're working on making it a comfy home and it's making us both happy to do so.
I feel very lonely. I miss the way he paid attention to me. I can't seem to find anyone like that. I know they are out there, it's just going to take time.
I just have to fight the loneliness I feel at night when I'm sitting still. I hate that. I must keep myself busy and focused.
The opportunity for Hubby and I to get back together is there. We have a year to figure it out before my lease is up. Who knows.. either way.. we'll be happy.

One step at a time

Well we're living as roommates right now. Things seem to be going smoothly.
I'll leave a lot of feelings and facts unpublished. But I feel like I'm doing the right thing.

2 Little 2 Late

The title sums it up.
I've whined and complained and bitched and tried my hardest to make things work for a very long time. He is a great friend. Not so great husband. I don't know what lies out there for me but I'm tired of relying on the Prozac to get me through each day. I don't want to bury my head any more. I won't write it all here, it's personal dirty laundry. However, it's about time I call it quits and move on.

Filth Infatuated

Took a trip to Richmond last week to try for a position with the NHRA. Probably not such a good idea. I don't feel I did a good job with that.
Last night I told hubby that I wasn't happy. And I feel like an asshole because he's trying so hard to make me happy. I'm not happy about anything honestly. Not just him but everything in general. He asked if I had found someone who I am interested in more than him. And the answer is no. I haven't found anyone like that, if I had it would make things less complicated in a sense. I would have a reason why I'm not happy. I'm just seriously not happy and it really is scary. I am scared to delve deeper in my unhappiness and find the reasons why. Because if I find the reasons and I start eliminating them, then I'll end up with nothing. And that won't make me happy either. Damn this chemically imbalanced brain. Damn the prozac that glosses over the problems to where they compound to skyscraper problems. Damn the need for something more.

compelling

yes, compelling. I logged in today longing to write something compelling. It's a word in my head that makes me think of something that I'm drawn to do. But it actually means forced. Is the Universe forcing me to write? Maybe. Yesterday I read a few articles on suicide. I was compelled to do that. My search lead me to a website by a man called the jellyfish man. He claims to have died and gone to heaven and hell and come back to tell us about it. I read his story hoping to find some hope.... some life changing message. I didn't find it.
I read about how some people tried to commit suicide and as they committed the act they snapped out of their dark way of thinking and emerged (upon survival) as a new person. I'd rather not have to take that "leap" to emerge as a new person.
I know the only reason why I don't do it now is because I don't want my husband to find me. He's such a fragile person. He wouldn't be able to ever recover. If I were to die I would want him to recover and move on. Yes, he's lazy but he's a good person. I do know that is true.
Yesterday I remembered a few years ago I resolved to live my life like there is no tomorrow. To enjoy every moment. And it allowed me to think outside the norm and take steps to do things I wouldn't have normally done because I was so afraid of failing. Now, I find my exotic life a normal routine. I sometimes wish I could return back to the little box I lived in. In some ways I find it suffocating and some ways I find it safe. But in all ways I find myself in the same state of mind... life is still not good enough. When will it ever be? I will continually have to fight for my sanity. Continually have to fight depression and anxiety. It exhausts me.
I'm still running from those things. I hide from them by emerging myself in work. I am just now getting over a sinus infection I had for two weeks. It overtook me while I was taking a vacation from my Admin job. I was taking time off so I could get other stuff done. But I ended up so sick I could barely walk without exhausting myself. After two weeks I went to the Dr. and they gave me 10 days worth of anti-biotics and they told me I had a heart murmur because I had the infection for so long. I've been on the anti-biotics for a week and I am still not completely better. I hate that my body failed me. It should be able to keep up with my mind. I wish it would.
I'm still in search of my happiness. I lost my touch with the Universe. I had it for a little while and it was good too me. My chaotic brain doesn't help me stay focused. It's a battle every day to keep above the dark murk that I tread.

I wonder how much I'm going to fuck up my life living on the edge like this? And I wonder when the turning point will be that gives me the courage to end it all.

waking up

crying from a dream Saturday morning was madness. Hubby was just staring at me in horror when I woke up sobbing.
I dreamed that I needed a mans jacket to fit someone who was cold... I can't remember who the guy was. So I found myself in my Dad's basement where the coat rack would be at the bottom of the stairs. For some reason I always think of him when I need a warm coat. But none were in the normal spot, in fact the basement was empty of the old familiar things that would have normally been there. I looked up the stairs and hanging on the back of the door was one of my dad's old flannel insulated coats. I was glad to have found something of his and ran up and slipped it on immediately. I searched through the pockets hoping to find something that would give me a clue as to what he would have told me before he died. I pulled out a mesh hooded shirt and mesh pants... they reminded me of something a bee keeper would wear. I wondered what the heck my Dad was into that he needed these things. Since I was standing at the top of the stairs I opened the door to the first floor of his house. Everything was just as it was the last time I visited the house before my dad died. The TV was on and the old familiar smell of instant coffee touched my nose. I peaked around the corner to see a small bearded man sitting on the sofa just like my dad would have been. My heart jumped right before I realized it wasn't my father sitting there. I spooked him a bit and I quickly explained why I was there. He understood and we talked a while about my father. We took a walk and I asked the old man if he knew what my father was like and he said that he imaged my dad as an old redneck. I laughed and told him that my father was far from that.. he was a sophisticated man who happened to live out here in redneck country. I informed this old man that coincidentally, he looked a lot like my father. He had a slight build, large forehead and white beard. I was about to leave my fathers house when I met the lady of the house. She was short and round and slightly reminded me of my step mother. I quickly hugged her and told her I wish things had ended differently and that I loved her and missed her. I then hugged the strange old man and told him I loved him and left. Shutting the basement door and walking down the walkway my father paved with his own hands sobbing uncontrollably. My father doesn't live there anymore, not even in my dreams.
I remember while my father was in the hospital my step mother stating that they were worried about me. They were worried I wouldn't be able to handle life without him... I'm beginning to think they were right.

Shut the fuck up and die

I feel like I’m hanging on by a thread. I had a great weekend, the road trip, the friends, the track…everything was great. I started to feel down as we returned. The closer I got to home the worse I felt and I don’t know why. There’s nothing I’d rather be doing so it’s not like I’m miserable at home. I’m not longing for anything else, it’s just I’m so unhappy. Last night I was thinking of writing out a will and whom I would give my stuff to. I’d give all my business over to Ashley, including my new computer. She hasn’t worked for me for long but she really gets it. And that’s as far as I got before I fell asleep. What the hell is wrong with me and why can’t I find the happiness that should be right in front of me? I want to be happy, there’s nothing more that I want in the world. I’d like to say that maybe I’m exhausted from the weekend so that’s the reason. But I don’t even care about sleeping. Is this normal?
---------------------------
I’ll just recap the weekend and my current situation before I forget.
I spent Friday morning moving all my stuff from one cubicle to another because they are rebuilding the offices to accommodate more people. I can tell you that this move isn’t going to go well. They’re planning on putting me in with the two other Administrative Assistants. There’s nothing worse than that thought at this point.
I finally got to work on my new computer some on Friday night and I’m having problems installing software. I had to quit after awhile because I realized I was spending the whole evening on the computer instead of spending time w/ hubby. I wanted to spend some time with him before I went away for the weekend. Woke up really early on Saturday morning and Scott, Ashley and I all piled in Scott’s STI for the 5 hour trip south. Scott had worked the before so he slept in the back, I drove and Ashley talked the whole way down. Everyone was happy to see us and the weather was really nice. The trophy ceremony went well and afterwards we went back to the hotel and chilled, went to dinner and then went to bed. Me and Ashley in one bed and Scott in the other. We all woke up around 3:30 a.m. when Scott had to call his boss to report the nightly numbers and we stayed up for a little while before we all dropped off to sleep again. Woke up around 9:30 and after getting ready, headed back to the track to say goodbye. We arrived just in time for touring laps so I had Scott take his car out on the track. He was bored silly and only went around 3 times before he gave in. After our goodbyes we drove home, this time Scott driving. I didn’t like sitting in the back. I’d much rather be driving than doing anything else. But at least I got to drive the last two hours because Scott’s back had started hurting. That was fun.Today is a total nightmare. Not only am I severely depressed and having anxiety issues, I’m having to deal with this relocation. The people behind my new area are so loud I can’t think. I hate that my back is to everyone and that anyone can look over my shoulder to see what I’m doing. Because of that my nerves are strung out because people are passing behind me constantly. This isn’t going to get any better. This is a two-phase move. My next move will be in with the other Admins. They both get on my nerves. Can’t these people behind me SHUT THE FUCK UP!

gutter key

Today I am tired and sore and surprisingly happy. Yes, it’s me. But I feel better. It’s amazing how words and emotional contact can make me feel better. I’ve always said it’s actions not words that make the difference, but maybe I’m changing. It’s funny how I hear compliments a lot from random people but the compliments I get from the person that matters the most is the most important. God, I can’t express the difference it has made in the last few days.

In a way I feel like it’s premature to say these things but he really did try to make me feel good about myself this weekend and it made a big difference. I know he can’t change his opinion of me so fast that he suddenly likes the things he’s been trying to get me to change for years. But at least I feel like it’s not that bad. Like when he looks at my body and tells me the things he would like to see instead of the things he already likes. Or when I wear something I think he would like only to find out it’s not even close. That has always given me such a complex and I think that hearing all those compliments from random strangers and none from the one I love finally broke me down.

Is this they key to my happiness? No. But my god, it reminds me of how much I love him when we talk. And it gives me new hope that things will work out. I just hope this feeling isn’t premature. Because if the things he said and did this weekend were just a random act and he goes back to the same old thing, I’m sure I’ll drop down into madness again. Well… If I feel this positive on a Monday after I worked three nights at the club then maybe things will be ok after-all.

As for this weekend at the club… it was very good and very lucrative. Maybe it’s tax return time, maybe it’s my new hair color or maybe it’s my new confidence in myself but I’m making money again and I like that! I made enough money this weekend that I now can pay off my car. That is a sweet feeling! That is one step closer to my goal. I’m so excited about that!
V-day is this week. I’m riding high on the past few days. I don’t even want to think about this disgusting bullshit holiday that means so much to me.

stacks of ashes

unbelievably, the Prozac isn't helping. I am still unhappy.

My first weekend back was good. I was happy to see all my friends.... ok at least I was happy to see Poison.

Jynx, who's hair is now the color of mine, has decided to desert her normal stage partners and dance with her old friends from back home.

Although Friday night was slow I was able to actually talk to people again. At least the time off was beneficial for social reasons.

Saturday night was much busier, but starting the night crying because I'm so miserable really doesn't help. I had started the day off with my husband telling me a I need to wear darker makeup doesn't make for a good day. I sent him a picture of myself because he wanted to see what I looked like with all of my makeup on in my new hair color. And I wanted to send him a picture of myself. Instead of telling me I looked good, He started with the critisism....before I event got out of bed.... and then back-peddled once he realized he'd hurt my feelings. After I let that go the day went on fine. As I laid down for a nap, Husband told me he was going to wake me up for a little fun time in the sack before I had to leave. Unfortunately he forgot. Luckily I set my alarm and woke up, took a shower and about 10 minutes before I had to leave he came in from the garage filthy and red eyed. He told me he was very sorry and that we're both guilty of messing up every once in a while. Honestly, I can't remember the last time I disappointed him by not doing something I told him I was going to do because I was preoccupied and FORGOT.

Anyway, about Saturday night. I've never had so many people scatter from the stage when I walked on! It was like cocroaches in flood lights. God damn I must be fucking hideous.

Poison's boyfriend built a new computer for me. I hope it's really fast. I can't wait to use it. But tonight I have an interview with another potential model and then I have to go home and clean. So I won't be able to get to it until Tuesday. I bought a router and KVM switch so I don't have to buy duplicate hardware. I hope it all works out. I really don't want to spend a lot of frustrating time fidgiting with this nonsense.

Another thing... Valentine's Day is coming up. Let's just hope against hope the same thing doesn't happen like last year.

happy abyss

I’m thinking about my last entry and comparing it to entries past. I wonder if this all really the result of the Prozac. Is it better for me to be off it and not be happy with a caring husband that I promised my life to? He really is trying to make sure I’m comfortable while dealing with his own seasonal depression. I remember a few months back, we were so happy. Happier than ever in fact.
I wonder if I should I suck it up and take the pills and slide back into my happy abyss. I miss being happy.

Prozac Coma

Am I waking up from the Prozac coma that I’ve been in for so long? Have I finally opened my eyes and realized that the Prozac has kept me numb to the surroundings I’m not happy with?

Or have I taken a large leap down a hole only to realize I will never be happy without the aide of medication.

If I change everything that I am not happy with, will that bring me inner peace?

Will leaving this job make me happy? Or will every job be just as disappointing

Will fixing and remodeling my house make me happy? Or will I always find something unsavory about it?

If I require my husband to get a better paying job, quit becoming so obliterated he can’t focus on anything, stop playing video games and apply himself to maintaining the house and cars. If he would open up to me about his life. If he thought I was beautiful, sexy and irresistible and showed me he thought those things would I be happy? If he told me I’m doing a great job and believed in me would I be happy? Yeah, as I type this about my husband I do believe that would make me happy but only if I knew he meant them.

This brings me back to the reason why I cut my dosage of Prozac. I cut it back because I thought I was too numb to see that he really is and does all those things. Why can’t I see it? Why can’t I feel it? He tells me he loves me, he calls me his beautiful baby, but that is the extent of his passion. He doesn’t tell me I look good or smell good or that he wants me or needs me. He doesn't get excited for me. When I do special things for him I get no reaction so I stopped.
He cooks meals and does the laundry. He cleans if I tell him to. He touches me if I tell him to. We go out if I want to. He takes care of me when I’m sick and holds me when I cry (which has been a lot lately). He fixes my car in emergencies. He greets me at the door with a hug and a kiss sometimes. Other times he doesn’t get off the couch. All of this is so very depressing. I'm trying so hard not to take him for granted. I guess over-all I feel like there's something missing. We're too young to be this complacent. I want passion and love and most of all I want to be taken care of and supported - financially, physically and emotionally.

In his eyes

Everything I want to be I'm not.
In his eyes
I want to be beautiful.
I want to be fabulous.
I want to be sexy!
I want to be taken care of.
I want to be supported.
I want to be successful.
I want him to be proud of me.
I want him to tell me all of these things.
--------------------------------------
If he is, he doesn't tell me. I'm nothing. I'm humbled.
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My vacation from my real job is winding down and I feel like I've worked the whole time. Computers crash, time slips by, I've had anxiety attacks and models quit and models be let go. I've also had great things happen. I've hired new models and had more apply. I'm having a new computer built and a job opportunity open up at the raceway close to my house. I think this could be the opportunity I need that will open up a lot of doors. My life is like a rubix cube. I have to figure out what to move first in order to get the colored blocks all on the same side.
Things will work out. They always do.
xoxxo

Triple Dipped

This past weekend was a very good one. I enjoyed myself immensely and that is NICE. I actually got a little work done and even started a little on my business plan.

Sunday, I went to a Model Search hosted by a nationaly known company to see if I could scope out a few girls that would be good for my business. There was not one girl that looked remotely promising. That is so sad!!

My moods are up and down and swinging dramatically. I'm restless and unhappy. I don't know what to do about it at this point. I'm weighing my options and none of them look promising. Turns out the Universe has thrown at me the key to make all my dreams come true but that would require me to uproot. Is this some kind of joke? I don't find it funny! A test? I fail tests.

Anyway, I got a flat tire on my way to work yesterday and had to ask my boss to turn around and help me. Hubby also left work to help me. I was only like 3 miles from work so that wasn't too bad. I'm glad I did ask for help because the lug wrench I had didn't fit my lug nuts! My tire is irreparable so I had to order a new one. And of course, I require special tires. And now those tires are discontinued. Long story short, one was found on the East Coast and it is being sent overnight to me. Hope it arrives today. Meanwhile, I have my little spare on my car. I don't want to drive it home and back so I left it at work overnight. I don't think driving 80 miles on a spare is a good idea. Aside from the fact that is really hard to get up to 50mph.

Dear Universe:
Thank you for all you're giving me. Now, how about a way to make it work? It's like giving me my dream car without the keys!
Candy

The Nice

Ok time for another entry.
I took my Prozac on Monday and I’m feebly getting back on my feet. If I could have one wish granted right now it would to be manic all the time. What a great high that is. Ehhh or not.

I’m torn and scattered right now. I hope this time off from the club will help with that. But I don’t see how. I feel anxious about the time off. Hopefully that will change. I’ve got lots to do at home. Cleaning and cleaning and more cleaning. It’s so cluttered and dirty, I just want to throw everything out…. And I just may. Or I could just sell it all on Ebay. If there are buyers who want used stripper shoes.

New Year’s Eve was un-eventful. Hubby was aloud to come into the club just like last year. But this year he and Jim came in around 10 and hung out all night long. I was able to drink a bit more than usual since I had a ride home so the night is kinda blurry. I hope that in one of those blank spots he told me that I looked incredible because I really needed to hear that from him… But somehow I doubt he said it. Because of all the people that see me it is his opinion that matters most… and he is the most critical. Pointing out the flaws without telling me the good things.
Christmas was uneventful too. We decided to stay home except going out and finding a restaurant for dinner. We ended up eating at a Chinese restaurant. Jim went to his family’s house in West Virginia. Hubby and I exchanged gifts on Christmas Eve. He gave me a diamond and emerald necklace and I gave him an Ipod. His gift to me would have been really cool if he hadn’t called me the day before asking if I got him anything, cause he didn’t want to get a gift without having one to give back. So the meaning just wasn’t there and he knows I don’t like lab created emeralds. Anyhow, I had told him a few times that I wanted a vacation for Christmas. Didn’t care where, just a little him and me time away for a weekend would be really nice. After Christmas he started asking me where to go and then worrying about the cost and the distance and the time. I told him to just forget it. It seemed like such a big hassle for him, I just didn’t want to hear it anymore.
I hope my disappointment in him is just a side effect of the depression. I just feel his efforts are half assed and I wonder if he’s just going through the motions because he has to. Having these thoughts hurts like hell. Reminds me of the past few years. Fuck.

Mister Perfect

I'm eyeball deep in depression. I know a lot of it has to do with my great idea to get off Prozac. I've been on anti-depressants for 10 years. I was thinking that it is part of the reason why I don't care about anything anymore. I've been emotionless and seeking self gratification without remorse for a long time. I know it's bad but I just don't care. I wanted to get off the Prozac so I can retrieve my conscience. Hell, maybe that's exactly what I've got going on here. I've been off Prozac for a week and a half and I've got all kinds of feelings going on. Fuck, I'm so confused. I should just dive head first into a sidewalk.
Hubby is on vacation this week. I woke up this morning and found him on the couch sleeping. After my normal bathroom routine I walked into the bedroom to find him in bed. Great. Sleep on the couch until I leave and then go to bed. What does that say to you? It says to me that I cried all the way to work. Jerk.