Last entry....

Never-Never Land is described as Nirvana or Paradise. I've fought through depression, addiction and suppression to get me to this point. You are reading my trials, struggles, errors and successes to find my Never-Never Land. I have many labels: Administrative Assistant, X-Stripper, Model, Entrepreneur, X-Modeling Agent, Motorsports Fanatic and Pet Lover but the one that sticks most is the one that the men in my life have always called me…... Babe.



I wanted to update this blog one last time about me.
I've married the most incredible man in the world. The musician I ended with last year.
I found Jesus waiting for me and I continue to take my life in a new positive direction.
I'm happy! But I still struggle with depression and anxiety... I work through it every day and am determined to beat it.

You can find stories of my new life here... http://surrenderingtothejoy.blogspot.com/

Intrasepection

Today is great, I am working on a new way of thinking and it seems to be helping. It's just an evolution of what I have already been practicing and I can't believe I didn't see it before.  I find it funny how so many things came together at once as you'll see below.
I have always struggled with letting things go. Resentment from the past has always blocked me from fully being present and happy in the moment. Sure I've had those great highs of clarity, but only to come back to reality wondering if the people or circumstances were going to change and hurt me again. It's become a problem since about a week before Josh was to leave. Because the high of our whirlwind summer romance was coming to an end I started to come back to reality. The darkness was overtaking my brain and I was feeling like something bad was going to happen at any second. I think I wrote about struggling and trying to stay focused. Seriously, even on my way back from Dallas I had dreadful feelings.  I landed at Memphis for a layover and there was a voicemail on my phone. I seriously thought it was going to be Josh breaking up with me. I can't trust my gut feelings because it's ALWAYS telling me something is wrong. So I turned to my the Bob Grant book "Women Men Adore" not because I wanted to attract my Josh, but because it is a great guide to being a healthy minded happy female which I wasn't ever taught to be. I read something that I've read at least 4 times and it finally clicked and I decided to give it a try. He explains that you have to let go of resentment from the past. Whether it is from the person you're with or from childhood, past relationships or circumstances. I didn't know how to let go so I just blocked the rest of what he said from my brain. He says letting go of resentment is the willingness to forgive. And part of forgiveness is greiving among 4 other parts that he listed. Grieving is the ADMISSION that you'll never get that moment back that someone took from us. Once I figured out that I just needed to identify each memory that causes me pain, and give it away (mentally see it go away) to the Universe or God or Jesus.
http://www.relationshipheadquarters.com/


Now if you're still with me I need to share what made this finally make sense. I started a book on Mindful Meditation. It's a kind of meditation that allows you to meditate on one certain thought or feeling withoug allowing the feeling to erupt. Versus the kind of meditation that forces your mind to stay silent and peiceful, which I still find useful. Anyway, Say you always feel anxiety when you take your child to the bus stop. You capture that feeling of anxiety and take a good hard clinical look at it... why do you feel anxiety? You could possibly trace that feeling back to a childhood experience at a bus stop that you've always tried to surpress and never actually addressed. So now that I've exercised this form of Meditation and noticed that it actually works. (I did it with my hotel room anxiety, but not my airport anxiety) Grab that bad feeling memory, look at it, say it hurt me because... and then give it away to the Universe, God or Jesus. If it comes back again (which I haven't had that happen yet) then do it again, till it's all gone. Kinda like sweeping crumbs into a dust pan.... it takes more than one sweep but evenutally each crumb as a part of the whole experience or memory gets swept away.

Why do I keep mentioning Jesus, since I've always questioned his existence before? Because I was praying the other night while I couldn't sleep. I was feeling terrible anxiety and I was scared that my bad feelings were my intuition telling me my whole world was going to crumble. And I remembered Josh's Mom saying you just have to let Jesus into your life. Ok, what the heck.... So I just imagine Jesus hanging with me all day and if I get a bad memory or feeling I just hand it over to him. Easy and Done!

So now that I'm not internalizing all my feelings like I have been by meditating and trying to quiet my mind. If a feeling comes up while I try to quiet my mind I address it, analyze it and move on.

I'm trying to keep my "inner child" or soul from trying to escape my body when it feels a bad feeling by taking that memory or feeling and letting it go.

I think that's part of my anxiety.. our soul or inner child trying to escape our bodies, bad feelings and memories. It causes so much stress and confusion on our mind. If we sit quietly and make it calm, then take whatever bad feeling and give it away... maybe it'll work?

Little Reminders

These days I'm marveling at my outlook on life. Even though the shiny new-ness of my new-found self sometimes gets tarnished and I have to remember how to shine it back up again.. I am still happy. It's amazing how old habits can overtake my brain and I find myself thinking negatively or being unkind. But with only slight effort I can bring myself back to my platform of loving kindness. It's baffling that when I find myself removed from the platform... I have forgetten how to get back to it. I have to start all over from the beginning to remember how to get back there. There are no shortcuts. The beginning.. is BREATHE.. then find the quietness inside. Sometimes, it's hard to find the platform and it takes me a few days of effort. But I'm on it now, and that is what is important. I've been logging all of my summer activities and I can't wait to write them here. Work and Play have kept me busy so actually sitting down and writing it all out will have to wait. I'll have plenty of time once Josh goes to Dallas. I find it amazing that I am comfortable with him going, because I will get to spend quiet time with myself. Amazing, how that thought even crosses my mind as a good thing. It just amazes me. 
Here's a great article I found on Yahoo... I am glad to have read it, because it reinforces the focus I need to keep. In other words... It's Dog Time = now.

Life's little secrets from the young and the old.

by Sarah Beston, Shine Staff, on Mon Aug 16, 2010 8:39am PDT15

Life's simple pleasures are best learned through the young and the old. Those effortless joys that we experience as children at the beginning of life are rediscovered in the end, and they teach us all the secrets we need to live a happy life.


I learned these secrets on my visits to my grandmother's nursing home after she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. Old men and women in wheelchairs lined the hallway. Occasionally one of the patients would look up and smile, but most just concentrated on the person next to them...conversing about something they probably wouldn't remember thirty-seconds later. Who they "were", where they came from, and what they owned didn't matter anymore and you realized it never really did. In the nursing home, as with young children, It was all about the moment-- similar to a dog walking into a room, tail wagging, only to forget a few seconds later why he came into the room to begin with. For a moment I would reflect on how life is cyclical. It starts and ends in diapers. It starts and ends with no teeth. It was interesting to see what put a smile on one's face at a time in life when nothing superficial mattered.


Here are the secrets shared by children and old people that we should always remember:


Secret 1: Ice cream and cookies are always good (even if you don't have teeth)


My grandmother was known as the cookie monster. She was always armed with the Royal Dansk Butter Cookies (those cookies in the blue tin that come in five varieties...pretzel ones, round ones, square ones, swirly ones, and other round ones that aren't as good as the first round ones) and she was not afraid to use them. Ever.


Secret 2: Companionship means everything


Just sitting with someone, even if you can't communicate with words, creates a feeling of love, comfort, and support.


Secret 3: Live for the moment and in the moment


Our minds are what take us out of the present moment. When you quiet your mind and put aside the stress of the past and the anxiety of the future, you can allow yourself to just be. Old people and babies are naturals at this.


Secret 4: Love even if you don't know why


Babies and old people don't judge love, they just love because it feels better than the alternative.

Secret 5: Nap-time is the best

Taking a daily nap can do wonders for your mood and help you feel refreshed at any age.

Secret 6: Take daily strolls

Whether in a stroller or a wheelchair, the fresh air and the feeling of sunshine on your face always generates a sense of calm.


Secret 7: Hum, sing, and dance as much as you possibly can


My grandmother loved "The Twist." If it isn't Chubby Checker and the Fat Boys that get you, so be it, but we all have that one tune that when you hear it you can't help but be in a good mood. That was ours. We would bust it out and when my grandmother could dance she would, and when she couldn't, she would just squeeze my hand as we hummed.


It is the living in between these opposite ends of the spectrum of life where we have to reflect on these times and remind ourselves what truly matters.


What simple pleasures do you enjoy?

How to cure Desire, doubt, restlessness, anger, fear

This is a note to myself for when I feel any of the above for an uncomfortable amount of time. In order to stop the above from spiraling out of control I must practice mindfulness immediately and then meditate and yoga when I get a chance.

1. Recognize that you are suffering from the above and try to identify the problem.

2. If there is a problem and it cannot be immediately solved, recognize that it cannot be immediately solved and the nagging in your brain isn’t going to help.

3. Begin by taking in breathes and letting out breathes and thinking of nothing else. Start with at least ten.

4 Focus intensely on what you are doing right now. Driving, reading, walking. The restlessness will bludgeon your mind unless you learn to focus on the here and now. Focus on what is happening right now in front of you. Sit still and take in what is around you and push out the restlessness in the mind.

5. If you can, read excerpts on Buddhism on how to end suffering, practicing mindfulness and positive thinking or read your Journey! These always bring your thoughts back to the present and help you relax and regain focus.

6. Take the time re-awaken, feel your golden heart and feel the breath escape your diaphragm.

7. Try to remember to meditate regularly. Nothing is permanent so you have to keep returning to center.


Reference: The Eightfold Path for Householders http://www.buddhanet.net/pdf_file/ritepath.pdf
         “It’s really not all that complicated. Sometimes it’s difficult to do, but it’s not all that complicated. Someone once asked Aldous Huxley as he was dying if he could say what he had learned in all of his experience with many spiritual teachers and gurus and much of his own spiritual life, and he said, “It’s embarrassing to tell you this, but it seems to come down mostly to learning to be kinder.” To be kind, though, means that you have to be here, you have to be present for what’s actually in your experience.

Final Journey Entry

I didn't write down my final day of my journey. I was so interested in leaving that day and I wanted to leave my journal with the great message I had received on my final night there. What a great conclusion to actually have received a definition of myself. I think about it a lot now, when I feel alone and down. It gives me strength and helps me focus. And yes, I put my fist where my heart is and it really helps.

On our final day Tamara had an earlier flight than I did. It was overcast when I saw her off at the dock at 7 a.m. We hugged goodbye and she left in a flurry... So happy to be leaving and looking forward to seeing her boyfriend and getting back to life. The last few days were hard for her. She wasn't ever able to fully recover from the Whirling Workshop.

I was supposed to leave at noon, but I couldn't stand the feeling in my room after she left. I had bad dreams before I woke and the feeling just stayed with me. So I decided to act on my instinct and try to catch an earlier flight home. I did manage to catch an earlier flight home, only to sit on the tarmac for an hour because the server went down in Miami and the US wouldn't clear our flight plan into the country. I just took this as it was meant to be and didn't worry. I arrived at my destination a little later than originally scheduled because my connecting flight was delayed because of weather.

After landing and retrieving my car, I went straight to see Bryan. And it was the best "welcome home" I've ever received and I'll never forget it. Sweet, gentle and loving kisses and hugs.

Now ~
It's been almost a month since my trip and I try to retain the peace and fulfilment I found while there. I try to bring back that feeling all the time. Writing my journal entries has solidified and helped me refocus what I found and learned. I'm reading and studying Buddhism as much as time allows. I'm trying to speak peacefully and surround myself with good people so I don't feel like I have to defend myself and become hardened. I'm trying to eat healthy, because I really noticed a difference when I started eating regular processed foods again. I feel so sluggish and gross when I do. It actually makes me feel depressed. One meal at McDonalds had me down for 24 hours. I have further to go on my life skills but I'm getting there. It's like retraining myself.

I've given a lot of thought to my April/September message. Searched through different skills or trades that I can learn that will benefit me and others as well. Nothing really seemed to catch on. So I decided I would go back to school in the fall for my Bachelors in Business. Whatever comes my way through that will just be what is supposed to be.

3/28/10 On the beach 1:30 p.m.

Last night Tamara and I talked and laughed. We have a way of opening up and talking about our lives on a psycho/ therapeutic level. Every piece of advice Tamara has is very wise and insightful. I asked her why it was that my family is practically non-existent in my life. When I see families with very bad, troublesome members that still love each other, I don't think I'm that bad of a person. She said it was because I'm not a significant part of any of the families involved. All my siblings had a life before I was born and I was only partially integrated and no bonding ever took place. And that made sense and made me feel very alone. But not uncomfortable. I feel pretty steady with myself at this point.

As we talked I was going through my writing and numbering and dating pages. I couldn't believe the transformation from total bliss to total anger in such a short span of time. The turning point, according to my notes, was whirling and this I told to Tamara. I reminded her of Davod's statement about the soul writhing to get out. And that brought chills to both of us. I told her what I wrote about the sadness and sorrow I felt. She said she could visibly see the change in me after the workshop. After I came to terms with this, I concluded that the "dance" released a lot of my soul's pent up sadness and anger and without the proper knowledge to get rid of it fully it soaked in instead of expelled completely. I don't think this man knew the extent of what he did. And it is very unlike me to play into this voodoo hokey nonsense.

Today, Tamara and I went to Nassau to look around. We wanted to spend our last day at the Bahamas enjoying the tourist aspect. We took the little boat across the bay and walked to the tourist area where the cruise ships dock. We saw the "Oasis of the Seas" the largest cruise ship in the world. (pictured in previous post next to a Carnival ship) We walked through the small crowds. I was approached by a 10 year old Bahamian girl who put a "free sample" bracelet on my wrist that matched my purple tank top. She mumbled something and asked me for my name and shook my hand then mumbled some more before mentioning a donation. "Traditionally five bucks" she said clearly. Of course I gave. I admire such bravery to approach strangers for money. I used to do it after-all.
We walked some more and we came across some craft and t-shirt bazaars and some beautiful wood crafts. I loved that the merchants would sit outside and work on their crafts as we pass by. I bought a sea turtle and a monkey set. Turtle for my bathroom & monkey (see, hear, speak no evil) for Linda. We made our way back after I had enough of people and spent all my money.

We may attend yoga or we may go for a swim or walk on the beach. We'll decide later.

- ---In My Room After meditation and chanting/prayer - ---


We walked down the beach to Starbucks and a little further down to a cove that has a surfaced reef that jets out into the ocean. We talk so much about life and we dig deep inside for true feelings and introspection. We say what we really feel, which sometimes are predictions or insights. An outsider would find us very spiritual.. or crazy.

We think a lot alike and we have talked about how it was meant to be that we found each other here in the Bahamas. We were exactly what each other needed to continue on our journey.

Our last evening meditation was profound for me. I finally found myself a comfortable position and realized that even though I have talked about God and thought about God all week I haven't once stopped to talk to God. To say please or thank you. So I send up a little thank you for sending me here and all the experiences I've had. Good or bad and in between. And I get this message after I start thinking that I shouldn't dwell on the soured people here and their judgemental attitudes. But to remember all the growth I've accomplished. I was trying to ensure I keep that with me and not loose myself again. ~I can't remember ever doing anything like this for myself - EVER ~

I asked God to help me never forget. And I get an image of a fist in my head. The fist is a representation of my heart. And then this message flowed through....
~You are Heart Centered~
You begin with your heart
You come back to your heart
Your heart will always be constant and strong
You will always have someone to help you
You will soon be giving away lots of energy
Someone special will be there to give you energy and support you and protect you

April you begin preparation. September you begin your journey.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What a very powerful message I received right before meditation ended. What a profound statement for my head to come up with. I hadn't been able to put a good thought down on who I was until now.
I AM very heart centered. I protect it and bury it a lot. I push people away. I am or have been unfriendly or almost unkind to try to keep those unkind souls from hurting my heart. It's fragile and soft, so I thought. But when I am lost or down I am supposed to look at my fist and realize my heart is just as solid and strong and will not diminish. It is mine and It can't be taken away. I can speak through it, from it and with it and it won't empty ~ever~. It may grow tired and I must learn to rest it and care for it, but it won't disappear. Thinking of myself this way makes me smile and it feels like sunshine on my skin.

I don't know what I'm supposed to be preparing for in September. Just like how in the last six months I've always looked towards this April to be a transition period. I always set it as a date to leave Mike if he didn't change, but now it's a beginning of a new me.

I was so astonished at this very loud and vibrant message to come to me during mediation that I grabbed my bag with pen and paper and wrote it down immediately. I was so shocked I told Tamara I was a little un-nerved and she said "There is no reason at this moment to be absorbed by this message. It won't drop all at once, it will happen over time when you are ready"

3/27/10 After dinner and yoga - 7:34 p.m.

My mood worsened during yoga. I thought it was getting better during breathing exercises but by the time I was finished with the yoga and the poor instruction, I was finished with this place. Funny thing is Tamara was feeling the same way. We both talked about being angry and hopping the first plane out of here. Then we decided it's probably part of the process (process = break down to basics) while here along with PMS.

-PMS - is the reason why women can't lead in the government or business -

So we revelled in the anger, laughing at ourselves during dinner. We are now trying to decide if we want to go to meditation tonight. We decided to make a shirt that says: "Shut up and Meditate" and send it to the Swami here. Who - by the way - is unapproachable in my view.
I text messaged Bryan and said "OMG if i have to meditate or pray one more time, I'm going to burst into flame! ;)" I'm tired of eating rice and vegetables and my ass can't handle much more fibre. I want beef..mmmm cow.

----9:07
Meditation and chanting were livable. We decided not to stay for the music tonight. Tamara is upset because her on/off boyfriend isn't taking her calls through Skype. I have told her a few times what I have been told in the last 9 months. "It shouldn't be this hard". Life is hard enough - a relationship should be easy. I learned this lesson with Mike and it reflects in my relationship with Bryan who is so receptive and easy to get along with. I hope she works this out.
Tomorrow is my day.. beach, sun, explore Nassau, enjoy my last day in the Bahamas.
I can't believe I want to go home. But then again life is sweet at home..

After-note - We were in a bad way by the end of the day.. it felt like a nightmare or a beginning of a scary movie. We felt so weird that we were scared to leave the room.

Saturday 3/27/10 After Whirling Workshop

Whirling - I hoped to make a whirly craft that whirls itself in the breeze like a windsock. Maybe learn how to whirl a rope around like the hippies do at music festivals with glowsticks on the end.
Whirling is a Persian form of becoming centered in the universe by letting go.
The musician used his drum like instrument called a Daf and informed us how to hurl our bodies around in circles. Left arm up, palm facing the sky, right arm down, palm facing the earth. We turned counter clockwise (towards the heart). The music was joyous and even though it is not supposed to be dancing it makes my hips swirl and my body move to the beat. He explained in the beginning of the workshop that the soul wants to escape back to God so the movement we experience while dancing to music is the soul writhing to be released from the body.
I can't explain why I feel so sad and heart hurt. I know I felt a lot of the hurt of stripping being released while we stood in the circle letting each person take their turn to whirl to the beautiful Persian music. I have hurt inside and I'm not sure why. And now I must attend the Addiction Workshop. It will be hard for me. I want to run to the ocean and enjoy my solitude that I've cherished so much while I'm here.

----------After Workshop #2 ----------- 3:42 p.m.
I'm feeling unbalanced and I want to go home, my energy is perturbed. I hope the yoga at 4 p.m. helps. I just ate some tuna and chocolate covered coffee beans. Hope that helps too. Trying to keep myself balanced is a challenge. The meat and caffeine are like the life I didn't want to give up. It's what I know and I turn to it for comfort. I wonder if life would be that much different without them.

I feel in that workshop that the message was good. I finally get that this is not Buddhism, it's yoga - a religion/ lifestyle almost same principle. In fact Buddha studied yoga before he went his own way to sit under a tree by himself to achieve enlightenment. I have no push or draw to achieve enlightenment in this lifetime. If it comes to me, I probably won't recognise it. Because it seems I'm learning things I already knew but forgot a lot lately.

*A note about the state of mind I've been living in while here. Every step I take is taken for a reason. My actions are for a reason but not for self control but to draw me to the place, time or being at that certain moment. I wonder if this will continue when I go back to the real world.
I am teaching myself to slow down and make my steps precise and light and it feels good.

----Notes from the workshop - Working through Addiction through Yoga---
www.yogaofrecovery.com

- yoga ayuvada 12 steps -
Addiction is a spiritual Malady - yoga lifestyle can offer a spiritual fix

The first step is to admit we are powerless

Ayurvada - Is the knowledge of life system of healing.

Dis-ease is forgetting our true nature as spirit.

We all have a spiritual body that is grounded by human conditions.

Yoga Recovery has 6 truths for the Root addiction:

1 Life is longing - Senses pull out like wild horses pulling
The fix is:
Karma - Service
Bhakti - A relationship with God
Raja - Path to preparation for meditation
Jnana - Path to wisdom ie.. teachers, mentors....

2. Life is prana (energy) - food, water, air...
Prana derangement - too low - needs stimulation
too high - needs sedation
blocked - needs pain
stress - can lead to self gratification
Retrieve energy from good things instead of bad things balancing breathing (pranayama), yoga (asanas), diet, nature, sights (beautiful flowers make you smile), feeling (soft sand, blankets, warmth) , sounds (music, waves..).

3. Life is a relationship - Mother or other figure
All is one
Ego is Alone
Remedy - Satsang company of wise, 12 step fellowship. Groups help with recovery!

4. Life is sweet. We are supported by mother nature.
Sense Therapy - Find another way to sweeten the life. Check the energy, pray and help others.

5. Life is love - flow with life
Anger is the expectation/desire unfulfilled

6. Life is progress - We are born with Karmic debt we are all born with purpose.

The message from this workshop is that people with addictions have a Malady in their spiritual make-up. We would turn to addictive behaviour to try to bandage the problem (Buddha would say drinking salt water to quench the thirst) . And that makes things worse. We are too recognize our Malady and try to find healthy ways of dealing with it. Like practicing yoga, breathing and balancing our prana (energy) through natural and healthy ways and through groups for support.
And I think that this is a good way to address the addiction. However, I think it takes a lot of this practice to fill the need (void) that the addict has. I know I have a sex and love addiction, I'm also co-dependant. So how does seeking groups help me? I'm more likely to act out or get attached to these like minded individuals like I have in the past.

Saturday, March 27 9:48 a.m. - Waiting for breakfast after a walk to Starbucks and the cove with Tamara.

Tamara came in quietly, bursting with soft warm energy after her group sunrise meditation at the cove. I have skipped every morning meditation and yoga so far. Maybe I will go tomorrow or Monday depending on where they hold it. Temple or cove.Tamara quickly began writing in her laptop after she declared she was skipping yoga for a walk on the beach with me. I got up and left the room to brush my teeth and when I got back she said the leader of the meditation said this and she wanted to share with me.

“Spiritual evolution is achieved through helping others, those who are poor and in need. Daily discipline of regular meditations, deep studies, pranayama (breathing exercises), light eating, and helping others will lead to spiritual growth, peace and content. Through helping others you learn compassion and sympathy. Spend more time in solitude and avoid futile talk with others, learn from self analysis and introspection.”
This morning I had a dream that Jim Sinegal came to see me and after I told him I had lost my modeling business due to lack of funds he told me to go part time and go back to school. I told Tamara this on our walk. And explained that I didn’t know what I would study. After writing her note down here; I am getting a gentle push (not so gentle) to take on and learn something so I can teach others. Therapist maybe?




----After Breakfast on my porch---



There are a few workshops I look forward to attending. One is held by a musician. I have no idea what I will be learning but I think I should go. The man has been here for most of the week and we keep bumping into one another. Both Tamara and I say we are drawn to him. I am drawn to him and repelled by him all at once. He is over 6 feet tall with a long beard and hair gray and black streaked. He says he’s from Iran. When he speaks to you it is gentle and piercing. I can’t explain the attraction/ aversion. I’ll probably be able to identify after this class. It might just be that he has something to teach me. The repel is probably that he is a man. And I have a profound distrust for them.

I bought myself a beautiful turquoise blue sun hat while at the resort today! I love it! I find myself surrounded by blue.
I feel very bad that while I was trying to take a picture of Tamara sitting on a rock by the ocean a wave came up and drowned her cell phone! She's forgiven me but it's still upsetting. I'm glad she still has her laptop to communicate with her fam-i-ly (as she pronounces it). I hear her voice in my head.
Oh the second workshop is "recovering from addiction" I've been looking forward to this all week.

I used my whole memory card for my camera and now I'm resorting to my phone to take pictures and video.
Another beautiful day on Paradise Island. The warm moist air sticks to my skin, the waves never stop crashing and the breeze ceases to blow. It sprinkled a little rain already. I was expecting a mostly rainy day. There is still time.

3/26/10 continued

(Beach-side Yoga Platform that had recently sunk into the beach)







I've accomplished what I came to do. I'm happy and excited for the future. Now maybe I can start working on my yoga and meditation.
(giant cruise ships docked next to our Ashram. You can see the yoga deck across the water from the people in the foreground)

---------- After meditation and prayers

I still find it hard to meditate sitting up.... in groups. There's always a distraction. I think I have a good idea of meditation and I think I could do it on my own pretty easily. I came here looking for fundamentals and I am finding them aplenty.

This book is bothering me. The author is trying to explain Buddhism in such complicated terms. It makes no sense and my mind wonders until I read an excerpt he quotes from another book and the quotes make sense... like this -
"What we are today comes from our thoughts of yesterday, our present thoughts build our life of tomorrow: our life is the creation of our mind. If a man speaks or acts with an impure mind, suffering follows him as the wheel of the cart follows the beast that draws the cart. ... if a man speaks or acts with a pure mind, joy follows him as his own shadow." Dammapada
simple words.. simple sense -
(picture of the basketball court, the painting is of a deity with a mandolin like instrument)

I left the temple a little after the music started, it was beautiful but it wasn't holding my attention.

I think this place is great. Tamara and I both wonder what it is like when the musicians aren't visiting or they aren't hosting a yoga instructors 3 week seminar. There is supposed to be teachings and talks every night. I know that would answer a lot of my questions about these Gods & Goddesses all around. I think, perhaps it was meant for me not to study these deities but to stay on my path to study Buddha's teachings. (picture of an elephant head diety at the top of the steps by the dining area)

This is the first time I've been so focused on any religion of sorts. I know Buddhism isn't a religion but I know if I can simplify my thoughts, words and actions, I will become closer to God and enjoy a happy, easy, healthy life.

By the way, I'm convinced this is where the crazy cat ladies go on vacation

3/26/10 Dear Marci

Marci

You have the most beautiful and golden heart.

You are kind and loving and brilliant beyond your years.

Thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers.

Thank you for being there for me. To catch me, set me on my feet and push me off to fly again.

You and David are Yin & Yan Heart and Mind
a perfect balance. That is what I mean by dynamic when I describe you two.

Always make decisions with your heart and I believe you will always find yourself in the right place and right time.

I love you!
T

Dear Mikey

Mikey;
This place in the Bahamas has enabled me to bring closure to many places and circumstances in my life. It has helped me heal and find what I have always searched for.. Happiness within myself.

I write this letter to you to tell you 3 things.

While you may not know what you did for me. There are things I need to thank you for. You rehabbed me from the strip club. You took me from the place that I began to loathe so much. Provided a safe haven for me to heal and take refuge. Protected me from the outside world. Forced me to get up every day and do something - which helped me detox and climb out of my depression after all these years. You forced me to be strong and support myself. You taught me how to love unconditionally. To not give in to my addiction. You made me see that strength I had inside. You set the stage for me to begin to love myself. To be on my own and not be scared. For that, I thank you.

The peace and happiness I find. The place I am at right now is partly because of you. If it had not been for your actions and transgressions, I would not be lying on the most beautiful beach in the world overlooking turquoise water feeling at peace and in love with myself. For this I am able to forgive you.

The third thing I have to tell you is good-bye.

My love for you was fleeting and not absolute. I loved the idea of you. I loved the way I loved you. But I don't think I as absolutely in love with you. I tried and probably could have if you would have let me in. But the time and place has passed. And I am on a different path than you.

I hope that you are able to learn and live a better more fulfilling life. I hope that you were able to see what love looks like. I hope that you learn about yourself through therapy. That you learn to love yourself, your daughter and your family. I hope that you don't take them for granted anymore. Your family is a GIFT! Not a right.

Thank you, I forgive you, Good-Bye
T

3/26/10 On the beach under the piney shade

My mind is on the wrestler as I struggle through reading about the Buddha's teachings. I believe we attract those most like ourselves. In some shape or form, the wrestler was pure evil. Nothing but lies and deceit. I could have come across worse men, yes. But this man... this man was a methodical liar. I often wonder how many women he used in the same way. How long and how many times it took him to get his art down to such a science. He was only able to keep up with his lies so long. But he had a grip on me that was well practiced. I really don't think I was that bad of a person that I attracted the devil himself. But he was sent to me for a reason. The reason is this: He built up my confidence and while his reasons for building me up and forcing me out were for his own use - he made me realized that I could have so much more out of life. I could have a chance to be happy. I could look outside my distorted box and see there was happiness to be had. He forced me to look around and not accept my existence as it was. He made me feel worthy of more. He gave me confidence to stand up and say - "I will not live this way any longer!" -

In my typical and supportive way I tried to show him I cared by providing for him as much as I could. He - in turn - would make me feel special and "loved". What I thought was love - His lies eventually caught up with him and his Shit Palace crumbled beneath him and left me alone. Husband-less, family-less, friend-less (except for my next parasite) alone.

---After Dinner---
I'm stuffed and exhausted from walking for two hours up the beach and back with Tamara. I needed it after writing those letters. I felt a big empty spot like a cyst removed.

I wanted to mention the way we have to dress here. Shoulders and knees covered. It's not strict and doesn't apply to the beach but it's just the way things are here. I finally have a place where my long skirts and shawls actually have a reason to be worn. Quite a difference from six inch platform heels and glitter!

I feel like I've leveled off on my progress. It may be because I skipped yoga this evening or just maybe it doesn't get any better than this!

3/25/10 on a picnic table 50 feet from the ocean, Listening to acoustic drum & guitar players sing

“Truth is found in silence and stillness rather than activity.” TYS Buddhism page 26

“From a Buddhist point of view, this does not mean that we are changed into other beings, gods or angels; rather, we have realized our true nature, our complete potential. In this respect, the Buddha becomes a unique historical figure, because his achievement is to present a spiritual goal achievable without the aide of a God. This is not to say that Buddha or Buddhists are necessarily antagonistic towards theistic belief, but that is not seen as either skillful or helpful to look at a God to solve the riddle of human existence” TYS Buddhism page 27

Reference page 25 –

The musicians are packing up from practice. They are putting on a show for us tonight. Like they have for the last few nights. Although I decided to retire early and not listen.

Last night’s Satsang meditation went a lot easier. I took some Advil before I went so it wasn’t so painful to sit so long. We sit cross legged on flat square pillows facing the deities in the corner of the room. A woman’s voice comes over the speaker and gently instructs us how to push the thoughts from our minds and concentrate on our mantras if we have one. I have chosen one that was given to me by Bryan –Om Mani Padme Hum – It is a prayer for protection and peace. Although it is supposed to be the most important prayer uttered by sentient beings, they do not say it here. The mantra is inscribed on a bracelet he gave to me among other fabulous Buddhism items before I left. We looked up the meaning together in a book about Buddhist icon meanings.

I was able to settle and meditate for a short while last evening. I stayed through the sing-song prayers and then rolled out after the musicians began. They provided sheets of words to the songs they were to sing. I left as the first one concluded. Four Sanskrit words repeated in a country song tune for ten minutes was a enough to handle.

Tamara and I stayed up and talked and she gave me advice that lots of others have said to me before. Let someone work and give to you for once. Seems one sided to me, but I suppose human has it’s nature and I will enjoy what is given to me instead of pushing for someone to like me. –Be U- Marci would say. I don’t know who me is. I will find out before I leave this place.


AFTER Temple
I read a few lines and I’m inclined to write – so I do. The book says that when Buddha first taught his disciples after he was enlightened they were in awe of his demeanor and presentation. That is one thing that I have taken for granted here. Something you rarely find in the “real world”. The look, presentation, presence of those who are on the path to inner peace. It’s so rare but it’s everywhere here. It is that peace I seek in every day life. In my lover, in my friends. If it is not there, I’ll hold onto mine I suppose.

With the help of my kind hearted room-mate, I work through each stage of heartache and find that I have come to terms with many things in these few days I am here. I want to write my x-husband a letter and thank him for letting me go. I want to write Mikey a letter and tell him I forgive him and let him know he helped me on my way to find my happiness. The Universe put him there at the right place and time. It is very obvious why he was placed in my life. I needed to detox from the club. To learn how to give up my “inner bitch” and give my all. I learned a lot about myself in those 8 months. He taught me how to stand on my own even when I didn’t think it was possible. He gave me a lot even though we didn’t know it at the time. I have a feeling I gave him a few things too.

Temple was fun tonight. We only meditated for 15 minutes, said prayers and then had a great sing along with a Gospel singer – Ken Whitely. I’m glad I stayed around for this entertainment.

I’ve come back to our room to a text message from Bryan. “Not a minute goes by that I don’t think of you, Missing you, I Love you”

I never would have or even could have imagined life could be this sweet.

Thank you Universe!

3/24/10 In my hut 12:57 p.m.

I'm eating chocolate covered coffee beans as quietly as possible. I find it hard to be quiet. My beautiful, six foot tall, blond, Russian American room mate naps on her bed on the other side of the room.
(my cabin on the beach)



I feel the need to be quiet through-out my day. I see the other people like me here, mostly women, mostly older - at least look older. They all have their own story. There are also those that are vibrantly loud. Those that are coarsely loud and then those who exude a hierarchy that I don't understand.
(women doing yoga on the beach is common)

I avoid all of the above.

I feel very sensitive to all the people listed above, even my room mate.

I feel she is a very peaceful loving creature with a broken heart. don't want to intrude on her peace with my baggage. We get along very well. We respect each others views which are mostly the same. I feel she is very much in tune with herself and is beyond my progress by far at 32 years old.

*Beautiful Girl*

(Tamara, my room-mate)

I feel the smuggled tuna salad and crackers and coffee beans kick in as I finish that last paragraph. I have settled on a routine that feels good in theory. I will skip the 6 a.m. *mandatory satsang (meditation & prayers) and the 8 a.m. yoga. I'll walk down the beach to the resort for coffee at 8:45 and enjoy the beach and the waves till they serve brunch at 10 a.m. I'll read, eat, sun, nap in no particular order till 4 p.m. yoga.



(These steps are very tricky, when I first came I was tripping up them because the rise was so small, they forced me to slow down and think about every step I took.)


I woke at 5:45 a.m. this morning to the bells and Tamara leaving. Got up, trekked to the bathroom to brush my teeth and pee and headed to the Temple for Satsang. I sat cross legged in silence with 40 to 50 other people trying to quiet my mind, trying to find a comfortable position for my back and neck. That was when I decided I didn't want or feel the need to meditate with a group. Constant shifting and noises broke my concentration and sent my mind darting to my lost first aide kit. "Where is it?" "What if something happens? "Who took it? TSA?" "I have a headache..." "I need to get my antihistamine" "Where will I go?" "Will I have time?" " I need a razor too... don't forget that." ....


So I left at 6:25 a.m. back to bed. Back to my waves crashing at my head.. and slept.. dreaming of missing yoga and praying to elephant head gods.







(The temple, you'll see Jesus Christ's Picture among the Hindu dieties and Swami Sivananda.. note No Buddha)















I woke again to see Tamara arrive and leave for 8 a.m. yoga. And again at 8:45 when I decided to hike down the beach for coffee, meds and a razor. I found all at the resort.






The resort is palatial! I can't decide if I love it, or hate it!




(Atlantis Resort - Reef and Cove) <-- click for reference


After lunch/breakfast at the Ashram (retreat property) and taking pictures I went to the little store on site and combed through various pictures of blue dieties, elephant head gods and multi-limbed Gods trying to find some post cards that embody this retreat. None to be had. Either generic Bahamas or laminated $6.00 pictures of the Swami founder Sivananda. The fat guy with the grey streaks who's picture is everywhere here.



I'm not so sure about the religion that is taught. It's still not the Buddhism that I am learning. (after-note... there ain't no Buddhism here).







The water is too cold to swim in. So I scrap the snorkeling plans for the week.






"And I just remembered where my first aid kit is! It's in my snorkel bag!"







I found a perfect place to read and nap today, provided that there aren't any loud souls nearby. It is in a hammock tucked under coconut trees outside my window. It reminds me of a picture I drew when I was in therapy about 12 years ago. She asked me to draw a picture of a safe place so I drew exactly that. A hammock tucked under coconut palm trees and behind a little foliage on a beach.

(see the hammock on the left)





I am reading a book about Buddhism. "Teach Yourself Buddhism". I decided to put down the book written by the dancer. It was bringing me back into a world that I wish to leave far behind. I still want to read it, but not here, not now.

The book on Buddhism is good feeling factual basics on Buddha and his teachings. I can dig it.

~~~7:30 p.m.~~~

"My religion is very simple - my religion is kindness." ~ Dalai Lama

My yoga session was great! I was apprehensive to go. The teacher/instructor made all the difference. In his care my whole day came together. I felt more focused and was able to cast out a lot of negativity and memories that continually replay in my mind when I have a quiet moment.

I was actually finally able to resolve why my x-husband was able to let go of me so easily. He knew he couldn't keep me happy. He knew he was holding me back. Or maybe, he didn't know, but felt ok to let go. I finally feel at peace with that.

I'm about to go to Satsang. I'm interested to see my own reception of it today. I feel so much better than I did yesterday. Maybe it was the drawing I did of the palm trees and the hammock. I sat in my window and drew because I couldn't find a post card that conveyed what I am getting from this place. I wrote a note on another piece of paper and mailed it to someone special.

3/23/10 In my room 9:12 p.m.

Wow what have I gotten myself into? I'm already counting down the days to go home.

(arriving to the ashram by boat)

I have a room 50 feet from the crashing teal waves, the head of my bed, positioned at the window, is pointed towards the surf. I love that! (the signs say Unity of Religion)

(my room I share, my bed at the window)

(view from my window)

The yoga class was hard today, they did some stuff that didn't seem very beginner-like to me. My back hurts already. I survived my first vegetarian meal just fine. I met a lady at the dock who showed me around the resort down the beach already.. including Starbucks! I forgot to pack a razor and I already lost my first aide kit with my allergy meds. I'll have to go find these things tomorrow.

After attending group prayer and meditation this evening I have made up my mind that I like the Tibetan Buddhism I have already begun studying. All the dieties with all the legs and arms and heads are just weird. I'm not sure what the name of the teachings are or if they are a form of Buddhism but it sure does send a complicated twist on to a simple way of life.

Yoga = hard
Dieties = complicated
hmmmmm

When I checked in today the form asked for my "spiritual name"

It has hit me hard since I have been here and explained to others why I am here that my life has been a wreck and I need to get my head on straight. Because of that - I'm glad I'm here.

3/23/10 on board 737 en route to Nassau

I laughed out loud at the suggestion of handwriting my thoughts.

Now I find the need to purge them. They flow so quickly and freely and repetitive. So I spent $20 on a set of 2 ruled notebooks at the airport and I’m using a pen I took from the Hilton this morning. Amazing writing on paper, must remember to thank Marci for this one.

Just before I started writing I found myself becoming emotional at the thought of letting go of all that I was running from for years. Now I don’t even know why or what I was cleaving to. I don’t know why or how I was never taught to be alone. I was taught to take care of myself and be self sufficient. But living and traveling alone were not something brought up in my up-bringing.

Sitting on this airplane alone traveling to a destination that I booked alone – on – my – own is something so fulfilling and easy and simplistic. I have all the tools and know-how and forethought and didn’t even know it.

God I hope this pen doesn’t bust

Letting go of all that was dragging me down. What a privilege that I can actually do so. Most women have children and find it nearly impossible to up and walk away from a person or situation or job that is making their lives miserable. I guess that would be the only reason why she would stay.. other than a disability in the spouse or self.

Letting go of all that has made me ill. I’m sure once there is a space that can be filled by more problems, people, drama. But I know how or I’m learning how to block that out. Living by myself takes care of the majority of the outside drama. No one to rely on = no one to let you down.

I’m reading a book written my a struggling English journalist living in NYC who took a job as a stripper to survive. I wade through her ridiculous overly dramatic prose to find similarity in my life as a stripper. Good God why did I even go into those places? Oh-yeah to please my X. It was a bonding process that spiraled out of control. OR – maybe- it led me to my inevitable happiness here on this airplane.
FIRST RULE OF THE LAW OF ATTRACTION – YOU GET WHAT YOU ASK FOR

Good God – I am going to have to go without coffee for a week. – I might just die! =)