paragraphical behavior

There was a time when the majority of my day was taken up by writing in my blog. I would take about an hour to write a few paragraphs or pages about happenings, thoughts and random things going through my head.

But recently my day has been bombarded not with Administrative Duties but with my modeling business. It has really taken off. I’ve formed an LLC through an online business helping firm where I paid too much and got little information out of it. Yes, I have all my documentation… but now what??? So, I’ve got an appointment with a lawyer to discuss the specific business structure, taxes, insurance and all the fun stuff that I don’t know about. (wish I’d taken those business classes now)

Hubby and I are doing fine. We’ve been going strong for the past few months and only recently has he been slacking off.

My depression has been under control for a long time now. Taking the time off from writing may have actually helped me get passed it by not reveling in it every day. Writing turned into more of a bitch blog than a documentation of my life.

We recently took a little vacation to the beach with a good friend Scott. We partied far too much and had such a great time my cheeks and stomach hurt from laughing so hard.

I’m making plans to quit the club. I’m just about ready… just need to make my modeling business hold it’s own. So close!

Well… I’m back and writing is fun again.

Which came first

Was she suspected of doing heroin when she was fired but was clean and that drove her back to the drug or was it the other way around? Was she actually using? Remember this? http://thedualexistence.blogspot.com/2007/11/fabulous-life-of-stripper.html
Well Jim found out in the news paper that she was indicted for selling Heroin in January. What a mess. I feel bad for her. I know I can't save her. She's a victim of herself.
I had to suspend her from the team. It's a shame. She's so great when she's not using.
*****************
I'm doing good, today is my birthday. Yay me.
Life and love is good. I can't complain about much.
My Kitty surprised me at work two Friday's ago! She got her job back! I feel so much better with her there. We're keeping each other motivated!
The weather is getting warmer, the trees are budding and the rain is falling. I love this time of year. It's cleansing.
My job at the club is secure for now. It will be until all the girls get back from their surgeries. I think about 5 girls are taking time off for boob jobs. There is a lot of boob envy going on right now.
I have been taking Jynx home for the past few weeks after work. Her boyfriend works later than she does so she doesn't want to wait for him. It's fun.

Well back to work... I'm happy today

Prozac is god.

Last week was a blur so that's good. Means I'm getting back to normal. I think I only had one off day. I'm sure my dearest hubby loves that! He's being absolutely wonderful... even going to the track with me. So cool. We've shared a lot of laughs the last few weeks, it feels so good.

Things to remember:

I broke a record on the last Friday in February.... I came home with $2,000. Yay, Hundred Dollar Bill guy and guilt trips!

My friend Scott is dealing with relationship issues...meaning he manages to cling to the wrong girls. Why the hell do guys make up their minds to settle and cling to the first thing they find? God that's irritating to me. Anyway, hubby and I both have been giving him relationship advice. I'm sure he's sick of it. I'm kinda sick of it too. He needs to get out of the circle of friends he has so I want to give him opportunities to get out of his normal element. Hopefully lots of time at the track will open up new friendships and relationship opportunities. And it's cool to have a friend who likes to go to the track as much as I do. The last two times I've taken him he just gets lost and meets new people and I find him later talking to random folks. It's good stuff. He's kinda like my lost little brother. Hubby and I both think he's cool and I really like that hubby likes him.

My god I hate it when I don't write for awhile, I know there are things I'm missing.

Oh yeah! I had jury duty last Monday! They made 28 of us sit in this room for a few hours. No one told us anything, so we just sat there. Then the judge called us all out and told us that they wouldn't need us because the defendant plead guilty. So I was released at 10:30 and still had to go to work! SUCKED!!

My modeling business is making great progress. I keep adding dates to my calendar and girls to my roster.

I paid off my car last week!! I'm so excited! But Scott's STI has been haunting me ever since. It's the devil car.

That's it for now. I'm pooped cause of the time change and not being able to rest yesterday. I just want to go home and sleep.
xoxo

over and over

Well, I’m feeling better and better each day. He’s really stepping up and making an effort to make me feel good about myself. I really like that. And I’m happy to say he put a lot of effort into V-day. What a relief! It was so nice; it makes me want to cry.

I love looking into those bright blue eyes and seeing life. What a big difference. I love him so much. I hope this was just a bad spot and not a cycle.

Events that have happened in the last week.

Hubby went out with a friend who just got back from Iraq on Wednesday night. He took Thursday off so he could make sure our Valentine’s day was perfect.

I had a model quit on me this week. Apparently for personal reasons, but I kinda think it was because of my drug policy in my handbook.

One of my guy friends is really having girl trouble. Of course if he wouldn’t fall for the most unavailable girl it would be helpful! But it’s fun talking to him anyway. And it’s cool that my hubby likes him.

As usual I’m looking forward to this weekend, I hope it’s lucrative!

Can’t think of much else to say but things feel better today.

stacks of ashes

unbelievably, the Prozac isn't helping. I am still unhappy.

My first weekend back was good. I was happy to see all my friends.... ok at least I was happy to see Poison.

Jynx, who's hair is now the color of mine, has decided to desert her normal stage partners and dance with her old friends from back home.

Although Friday night was slow I was able to actually talk to people again. At least the time off was beneficial for social reasons.

Saturday night was much busier, but starting the night crying because I'm so miserable really doesn't help. I had started the day off with my husband telling me a I need to wear darker makeup doesn't make for a good day. I sent him a picture of myself because he wanted to see what I looked like with all of my makeup on in my new hair color. And I wanted to send him a picture of myself. Instead of telling me I looked good, He started with the critisism....before I event got out of bed.... and then back-peddled once he realized he'd hurt my feelings. After I let that go the day went on fine. As I laid down for a nap, Husband told me he was going to wake me up for a little fun time in the sack before I had to leave. Unfortunately he forgot. Luckily I set my alarm and woke up, took a shower and about 10 minutes before I had to leave he came in from the garage filthy and red eyed. He told me he was very sorry and that we're both guilty of messing up every once in a while. Honestly, I can't remember the last time I disappointed him by not doing something I told him I was going to do because I was preoccupied and FORGOT.

Anyway, about Saturday night. I've never had so many people scatter from the stage when I walked on! It was like cocroaches in flood lights. God damn I must be fucking hideous.

Poison's boyfriend built a new computer for me. I hope it's really fast. I can't wait to use it. But tonight I have an interview with another potential model and then I have to go home and clean. So I won't be able to get to it until Tuesday. I bought a router and KVM switch so I don't have to buy duplicate hardware. I hope it all works out. I really don't want to spend a lot of frustrating time fidgiting with this nonsense.

Another thing... Valentine's Day is coming up. Let's just hope against hope the same thing doesn't happen like last year.

In his eyes

Everything I want to be I'm not.
In his eyes
I want to be beautiful.
I want to be fabulous.
I want to be sexy!
I want to be taken care of.
I want to be supported.
I want to be successful.
I want him to be proud of me.
I want him to tell me all of these things.
--------------------------------------
If he is, he doesn't tell me. I'm nothing. I'm humbled.
--------------------------------------
My vacation from my real job is winding down and I feel like I've worked the whole time. Computers crash, time slips by, I've had anxiety attacks and models quit and models be let go. I've also had great things happen. I've hired new models and had more apply. I'm having a new computer built and a job opportunity open up at the raceway close to my house. I think this could be the opportunity I need that will open up a lot of doors. My life is like a rubix cube. I have to figure out what to move first in order to get the colored blocks all on the same side.
Things will work out. They always do.
xoxxo

Triple Dipped

This past weekend was a very good one. I enjoyed myself immensely and that is NICE. I actually got a little work done and even started a little on my business plan.

Sunday, I went to a Model Search hosted by a nationaly known company to see if I could scope out a few girls that would be good for my business. There was not one girl that looked remotely promising. That is so sad!!

My moods are up and down and swinging dramatically. I'm restless and unhappy. I don't know what to do about it at this point. I'm weighing my options and none of them look promising. Turns out the Universe has thrown at me the key to make all my dreams come true but that would require me to uproot. Is this some kind of joke? I don't find it funny! A test? I fail tests.

Anyway, I got a flat tire on my way to work yesterday and had to ask my boss to turn around and help me. Hubby also left work to help me. I was only like 3 miles from work so that wasn't too bad. I'm glad I did ask for help because the lug wrench I had didn't fit my lug nuts! My tire is irreparable so I had to order a new one. And of course, I require special tires. And now those tires are discontinued. Long story short, one was found on the East Coast and it is being sent overnight to me. Hope it arrives today. Meanwhile, I have my little spare on my car. I don't want to drive it home and back so I left it at work overnight. I don't think driving 80 miles on a spare is a good idea. Aside from the fact that is really hard to get up to 50mph.

Dear Universe:
Thank you for all you're giving me. Now, how about a way to make it work? It's like giving me my dream car without the keys!
Candy

Dear Universe

Dear Universe:
Please provide me with more beautiful and personable models to work all these new assignments that you are sending my way. Please include lots of money too. Please also with that money, include time to spend working on my Modeling business that is taking flight.
Also, Universe, if you could make this weekend beautiful, indistinct and carefree that would be excellent!

Thank you so much!

Candy

FUCK IT>

I spent last night balled up on the couch crying. I had a sudden wave of dismal depression. I realized I didn’t give a crap about anything. All that I have been fighting for…. I don’t care about. I couldn’t care less if I just stopped trying. The only reason why I don’t just kill myself is because I know that I would leave my husband who loves me so dearly and it would kill him.

I’m frustrated with the Modeling company. It’s a far reaching dream that I’m not even sure is going to come to fruition. I’ve only got that far flung hope that resembles a star in the sky. I don’t even know if I’m really going to like it once I’m there! The goal of a hundred thousand dollar per year income with a modeling business that I just have to oversee and runs itself seems like it’s not even possible. Tired of working. Tired of breathing. Tired of living.

I couldn’t care less about this job. No really. Great changes are happening. They shifted my manager to one that makes sense so the bitch that I once reported to is no longer my manager. This should open up lots of potential. Meaning that the stuff I do every day may actually count for something. And the reviews I get every year will actually be legitimate. And do I dare to care? Should I dust off that old (Care) button that I once used? No. I’ll keep that (Fuck it) button near by. Why should I put forth effort? So they can give me more work, more responsibility, more hours. Hell no.

I still like dancing on the weekends. I’m just too tired to actually give it all my effort anymore. If it wasn’t for my friends it wouldn’t be enjoyable at all. That’s why I’m taking time off. I’m loosing focus and it’s making me exhausted.

Hubby is in need of more attention and is getting perturbed if I text message my friends too much. But I’ll be damned if I am sitting next to him on the couch he’s not paying attention to me anyway. May as well talk to my friends while I’m sitting there with him.

This will be the third week I have cancelled on Kitty. I’m just so damn tired and depressed I’m having a hard time leaving the house. I hope she doesn’t get mad at me. Specially since I can’t just quit life, I need her.

Tired of working. Tired of breathing. Tired of living. I’m sure this is temporary. My Prozac can only do so much when I’m working on this schedule.

Flirting with Disaster

a million thoughts run through my mind.. fleeting.. dragging.. fragmented.

~Scheduling girls for photo shoots and drift events.... At least trying to. One thing about working with these girls... THEY AREN'T SO BRIGHT! Please excuse me if I compare them to bricks. Good lord... Hi! Hello there! free money! Hey over here! There has to be an easier way.

~ Spending quality time with hubby instead of sleeping. He's going through hell right now at work. Christmas isn't a joyus time for him at all. He's in charge of Christmas hams and he's working really hard to get them to the stores on time. He's very stressed and about to loose his mind.

~ Trying to stay focused at the club so I can make the most of my time before I take January off.

~ Looking forward to the few days I'm taking off next week from my real job. Trying to juggle what days I'll devote to the club and what days I'll take to myself and making sure I pay enough attention to hubby too. It's so hard when I've been so exhausted. I'm barely able to keep myself healthy and running and now he needs me too. I'm really looking forward to the days off ahead. I hope to catch up on some rest and catch up on some house work.

~ One for the Universe.... I am a successful happy woman with all the time I need to enjoy the things I love. I'm happy for a great running car, wonderful cuddly animals and great friends who are willing to help me along the way. thanks so much!

Fabulous life of a stripper.....

I slept so good last night. I have noticed that I sleep better progressively throughout the week and by Thursday I’m chipper and awake. I think it may be that my body has finally stopped aching from dancing. That and I’m finally catching up on the sleep I’ve lost from working so much. Thank god hubby understands. He’s so incredible! I realized this week that if it wasn't for my real job, I wouldn't take the time to detox and get my life back on track. I would be in a never ending circle of drinking. Instead of sobering through the week and drinking on the weekends. I will really have to focus on this problem when the time comes to quit my real job.

I’m ready to take on another weekend at the club. This time I’m drinking responsibly. No really!

Casey tried to call me in on Tuesday. I replied and said that I was really sorry but I couldn’t. I didn’t get a reply saying I was fired so that’s a good thing. However, I have been thinking about taking some time off from the club. I’m running myself into the ground and I really need a break. I think a month off from the club and a week off from my real job will help me get myself a bit back to ‘normal’.

One of my models is rumored to be on heroin. I’m at a quandary as to what to do about it. She did a 2008 calendar and she will have lots of promotional opportunities if I keep her with the team. On the other hand if I keep her and my clients find out, it won’t do anything good for the company. I’ve been putting off the drug test but I know I shouldn’t do it for long.
That’s about all I have for now.

thoughts on pixels

Thinking about how I have so much to write but not the motivation to actually type it out and make it readable.

Friday night was very slow at the club. Girls were talking about quitting or moving to another club. I haven’t thought about quitting yet. In fact I’m still worried about getting fired!

A funny thing happened while I was in the Skycage. A tall skinny man with shaggy dark hair came up to the cage and was staring at my shoes in crazy eyed wonder. I could tell by the way he cocked his head sideways that there was something not right about this one. I quickly caught on and started flaunting my shoes on the bars of the cage and showing them to him. I stamped hard on the metal floor to make it ring out. His eyes opened very wide and his jaw dropped. He said just loud enough for me to hear that he had a shoe fetish. I thought to myself “O’boy! Play Toy!!” When my time was up I pointed at a chair and told him cruelly to sit and wait for me. He shook his head a few times and said “Yes Ma’am”. (Tehehee!)

I walked back to the customer I was sitting with before I got in the Skycage and carried on my conversation. Glancing out of my right eye to make sure shoe boy was still there. And he was!! After about 20 minutes it was time for me to go on stage so I dismissed myself from my customer and I walked up to shoe boy and told him that he was good for waiting for me and that he should stay there while I went on stage.

I walked out on stage and he looked up at me happily. I motioned to him that he shouldn’t look at me and he averted his gaze and looked at his lap! (This is going to my head at this point.) After a bit, I called him over and did a little dance for him while I still had on my panties, showing off my shoes, made him tip me and told him to go back to his seat. “Yes ma’am” he said. (Oh Fuck this is fun.) He sat back down and looked at his lap again. Before the last song ended I called to him and told him to look at my shoes. I waited for about 20 seconds and I told him “that’s enough” and he obeyed. (CaRaziness!!)

After I got off the stage I went to talk to shoe boy and found out that he’d been coming to strip clubs for a long time looking for a Mistress. He asked me for a private room and I told him NO! That he was pathetic and he didn’t deserve that. Umm he ate that shit up. I actually felt bad for degrading him but he loved it! Like a three year old with a cookie.

A number of the dancers know him. Poison told me he’s been coming in for a while. He loves to worship shoes. Poor guy, if he had more money it would be more fun. But I can tell he doesn’t. His hands are grease stained and his clothes are tattered. He said he works hard to support his daughter who’s going to college and his 80 year old mother.
Oh well. I just can’t bring myself to torture a poor man. I’d rather bring down a rich man who had a shoe fetish than tell a pathetic man that he is pathetic.

Saturday night was very busy and I was enjoying myself just hanging out with random customers. I was walking out of the dressing room when Casey approached me pointing out a few customers at the bar. He told me they are millionaire friends of his and asked me to go visit. I said “I am ON IT!” I was surprised because I thought the next conversation that Casey and I would have would involve firing me, not sending me after his best customers. I was very happy about that and I did a very good job of getting them drunk on the elixir of Patron and sending them on their happy way with a few extra hundred dollars in my garter.

Sunday was spent on the couch recovering. I was so sore and tired! I woke up AGAIN with a blood spot in my eye. The last one happened on the weekend of Halloween. It can be caused by a lot of reasons including any kind of strain caused by having my head below heart level. Um that cuts out half of my dance moves! It can be cause by excess alcohol… yep guilty. Back pain puts a strain on your eyes and I have lots of that, pregnancy can cause it and I took yet another test last night because I still haven’t started my period (I spotted tho). I found all this out by going to the Optometrist yesterday. He prescribed an eye drop steroid and some regular lubricating eye drops. He told me my eyes were under strain and I had to get the broken blood vessel to heal or it will keep bleeding out. AHHH! I have a modeling thing to do on Sunday! This thing had better clear up AND I better not get another this weekend while I’m working!

Picked up a TINS unit from my chiropractor yesterday. He managed to have my insurance cover the whole thing! Now I can use it at home. And YES… I’ve already used it on my abs.

Got a text from Casey at 3:30 a.m. asking me to work Thanksgiving. I had already planned on it. I had actually planned on asking him to work but I didn’t want to bother him until Friday. I wanted to stay under the radar until the weekend.

Anyway, can’t wait to go home. Hubby has a plan with some baby oil and me naked… oh boy!

What UP?

I think I need to get back on that quantum physics kick. Focus... Focus.... FOCUS!!!
I am currently regretting working that Thursday at the club. I know you're asking why... and it's a good thing... cause I'm gonna tell ya. Casey would like me to work this Thursday too. There's another feature... As in porn star. yay. I'm excited to watch this one crawl around on the stage cause she's so wasted she can't walk. Imagine my delight.
Having been forewarned enough I told the boss here that i have a Dr. Appointment in the morning so at least I'll be sleeping till 9 a.m. on Friday.
I won't be taking that weekend off that I planned. Just decided it wasn't a good idea. Sometimes you just have to go with your instincts.

I am unhappy to report that I am currently late on my period. I took a prego test and it was negative. I'll take another on Friday if I have not started the blood cycle yet. Gah, can being a woman be any easier???

Great news on my modeling business!! I have convinced one of my clients to go to the DC Auto Show and they're bringing us along!!! I'm excited to actually have sold them on doing this event and that we are going to get some great exposure while we're there!

This past weekend went well. Friday night I drank two glasses of wine. I wanted to be able to focus on making more money. I was able to focus, unfortunately there were hardly any customers to focus upon! I kinda regretted choosing that evening to drink lightly. But just maybe if I had drank heavier I wouldn't have made as much money as I did. Saturday night I switched to Patron but only a little! It was a profitable night and I think I will continue that trend. I was so worried about getting fired this past Saturday though. Rumors were going around that me and one of the other dancers were going to get fired if we couldn't pick up another day at the club. It didn't come to fruition, Casey never talked to us about it. Maybe the harbinger was lying or maybe Casey is waiting to pounce.

Optimistic Dammit

Above ALL things are going great! All jobs are good. Home is good. Health is good. I wouldn't ask for more but... I want more. That's why I'm working so damn much! I want to have a job that allows me to enjoy life, home, family and my hobbies all at once. I picture sunny afternoons in the back yard working on my laptop organizing events for my models to attend and big fat checks coming in the mail for all of my hard work and expertise. How about cold snowy days snuggled on the couch editing my website or contacting exhibitions for my clients to attend so they get more clientele? Social activities with motoring enthusiasts, dinner with THE BMW race team or Motor Trend. Enjoying all these fun activities on my client's dime. Yeah, that's what I want. I want all the girls that work for me love their job and want to keep trying just as hard as they did when the first started. They are the catalyst to the business of course! This will work. All this hard work will pay off and I'll soon be able to quit my office job and my dancing job and be able to enjoy a long career and a fruitful life as a modeling agent.... for motor sports. How's that for a business plan?? Playing with life size Barbies can't be a bad thing huh?

HOLY COWs

I'm NOT freaking out because I have to work Thursday night at the club!! I'm not, I'm not, I'm not!! ok I am, I really, really am. I can't imagine staying up for 45 hours with only 3 hours of sleep in between. FUCK! ok let me xplane.
Casey is having a feature come in (porn star) and he always likes for extra girls to work. For two and a half years I have managed to wiggle my way out of working these nights because of my job. I tell him I'm travelling or something. He usually demands us to come in the day before or a few days before. Well... he's figured out that I need some notice so he doesn't catch me mid "business trip". So he asked me last week. FUCK. I asked if I could leave early that night. NOPE. Something about pulling my weight and blah blah blah only working weekends blah blah. FUCK FUCK FUCK.
So now, I've got to work at the office then straight to the club then home for 3 hours of sleep then back to the office and then straight back to the club. I'm coming up with a plan... a get a little more sleep plan. It's going to include faking sick tomorrow afternoon so I have to go to the Doctor Friday morning.... heh. Oh and I have to bring in my "airline" ticket from the last time I missed a special feature Thursday. Sonofabitch. At least I can come up with an e-ticket.

On other matters. I spent my weekend at the track with my special friends from NASA. Love those guys. I took my car out on track on Saturday at full speed. SCAREd the poop out of me! Wow! I will do it again, but I'm not sure I want to take my car out again. My brakes are squeeking now cause I burnt them off. Crazyness.
I worked on Saturday night and I got to drunk to drive so I my friend take me home. I drank no more than usual, it was just that I was dehydrated I think. I had fun anyway. Then back to the track on Sunday. The instructor is now determined to get me hooked. He took me out in his car and showed me what he was trying to show me the day before. Still crazy. I thought I was a good driver, but I discovered my technique is way off. Not like I need all that much skill to navigate the streets but I have always loved to drive fast so now I'm just going to take it to a different level.
Ok, I'm done for now.
Catch you later!

Silver Torpedo

I'm not exactly sure if I've explained just how busy my modeling agency is keeping me. It's keeping me damn busy. I come to work here in the office and try to juggle both jobs at once. Writing list after list of things I have to do. I'm really excited that business is picking up and really hoping that it will continue through-out the year. I have always said that it can continue through the winter if I can find a few Rally's to frequent. And what do you know??? They built a rally course at the track closest to me!! My girls spent the whole weekend there marketing off road training courses. How great is that???
Anyhow, I'm tired. I pick up the cd's from the last photo shoot tomorrow and I'm really excited.
I'm taking the weekend off from the club because it's the last NASA event of the year and I want to hang out with my NASA family as much as I can before the season closes.
I go to see an accountant on Friday, I really need to get my finances in order for tax season.
That's about all.

I think it's cool that....

• Hubby and I both like mayo and texas pete mixed together. SPECIALLY on fries from chic-fil-a
• I have strict standards on the type of girl that works for my modeling company. Their sweet attitudes are commended by every client we have. They LOVE us!!
• I gave in and pull the plug on the birth control. I want to have wild passionate sex again!!
• My Kitty and my Poison will be at the club tomorrow!!
• my car is running perfect.
• ehhh... I'm running out of cool stuff.

Ok that's all I've got. A few more of my girls had a photoshoot last night and the client is estatic to have us. I think we'll be doing a lot of business with them next year.

That is all.

Out.

C.