Intrasepection

Today is great, I am working on a new way of thinking and it seems to be helping. It's just an evolution of what I have already been practicing and I can't believe I didn't see it before.  I find it funny how so many things came together at once as you'll see below.
I have always struggled with letting things go. Resentment from the past has always blocked me from fully being present and happy in the moment. Sure I've had those great highs of clarity, but only to come back to reality wondering if the people or circumstances were going to change and hurt me again. It's become a problem since about a week before Josh was to leave. Because the high of our whirlwind summer romance was coming to an end I started to come back to reality. The darkness was overtaking my brain and I was feeling like something bad was going to happen at any second. I think I wrote about struggling and trying to stay focused. Seriously, even on my way back from Dallas I had dreadful feelings.  I landed at Memphis for a layover and there was a voicemail on my phone. I seriously thought it was going to be Josh breaking up with me. I can't trust my gut feelings because it's ALWAYS telling me something is wrong. So I turned to my the Bob Grant book "Women Men Adore" not because I wanted to attract my Josh, but because it is a great guide to being a healthy minded happy female which I wasn't ever taught to be. I read something that I've read at least 4 times and it finally clicked and I decided to give it a try. He explains that you have to let go of resentment from the past. Whether it is from the person you're with or from childhood, past relationships or circumstances. I didn't know how to let go so I just blocked the rest of what he said from my brain. He says letting go of resentment is the willingness to forgive. And part of forgiveness is greiving among 4 other parts that he listed. Grieving is the ADMISSION that you'll never get that moment back that someone took from us. Once I figured out that I just needed to identify each memory that causes me pain, and give it away (mentally see it go away) to the Universe or God or Jesus.
http://www.relationshipheadquarters.com/


Now if you're still with me I need to share what made this finally make sense. I started a book on Mindful Meditation. It's a kind of meditation that allows you to meditate on one certain thought or feeling withoug allowing the feeling to erupt. Versus the kind of meditation that forces your mind to stay silent and peiceful, which I still find useful. Anyway, Say you always feel anxiety when you take your child to the bus stop. You capture that feeling of anxiety and take a good hard clinical look at it... why do you feel anxiety? You could possibly trace that feeling back to a childhood experience at a bus stop that you've always tried to surpress and never actually addressed. So now that I've exercised this form of Meditation and noticed that it actually works. (I did it with my hotel room anxiety, but not my airport anxiety) Grab that bad feeling memory, look at it, say it hurt me because... and then give it away to the Universe, God or Jesus. If it comes back again (which I haven't had that happen yet) then do it again, till it's all gone. Kinda like sweeping crumbs into a dust pan.... it takes more than one sweep but evenutally each crumb as a part of the whole experience or memory gets swept away.

Why do I keep mentioning Jesus, since I've always questioned his existence before? Because I was praying the other night while I couldn't sleep. I was feeling terrible anxiety and I was scared that my bad feelings were my intuition telling me my whole world was going to crumble. And I remembered Josh's Mom saying you just have to let Jesus into your life. Ok, what the heck.... So I just imagine Jesus hanging with me all day and if I get a bad memory or feeling I just hand it over to him. Easy and Done!

So now that I'm not internalizing all my feelings like I have been by meditating and trying to quiet my mind. If a feeling comes up while I try to quiet my mind I address it, analyze it and move on.

I'm trying to keep my "inner child" or soul from trying to escape my body when it feels a bad feeling by taking that memory or feeling and letting it go.

I think that's part of my anxiety.. our soul or inner child trying to escape our bodies, bad feelings and memories. It causes so much stress and confusion on our mind. If we sit quietly and make it calm, then take whatever bad feeling and give it away... maybe it'll work?

check, check

Oh I have only minor things to write about but not today. Just wanted to check in and say things are going wonderfully and I'm feeling great so long as I remember to take my vitamin. If not, the mono gets to me a bit. But I've managed to keep my mind on focus and the bliss at hand! More later.. but here's a teaser....!

Attraction Laws...

Someone once said that you should be careful for what you ask for, because you just might get it.  Josh and I talked a few weeks ago about moving in together in December. The only stress we both have in our relationship is the distance we live apart and the distance I live from his work. We haven't spent a night apart unless he is travelling so we may as well live together now.  But I know that the travel time he puts in to come see me is a gift and I can only expect him to be happy with it for so long. I travelled that distance back and forth every day when I lived with Mike and it wasn’t even rewarding when I got home and it was terrible! Since he's been sick he's been staying at my place until he gets better and we’ve discovered that we can actually live together in a 300 square foot apartment without any issues and still miss each other when we are apart.

We agreed that we would keep an eye out for the perfect place to live and wouldn't settle for anything less and knew it would take a long while to find the exact one.

Our perfect place is a tall order: a cheap (under $1,200) apartment or cottage on a horse farm within 40 miles of his work with plenty of safe parking because our cars are our priority. This past week we agreed that we loved living in a small space. It keeps things simple and it makes us happy, his only request is that we get a place with higher ceilings so he doesn't bump his head. My only request was to get a place with lots of windows.

I’ve had an idea in my head that we could find an apartment above a garage and I imaged that whenever I think about where we would live

Well... we found THAT place…. The exact place that both of us have described and talked about and envisioned. It's a studio apartment on a BEAUTIFUL horse farm above a 3 car garage with vaulted ceilings and LOTS of windows! It's exactly 40 miles to his work and 22 miles to mine. With LOTS of parking and since the home owner goes to Florida in the winter with all her cars and horses, we'll have garage space for his Cobra for the winter.

It's everything we asked for!!!

What's the problem you ask??? WE HAVE ONLY BEEN DATING FOR TWO MONTHS!!!

We tossed it around for a while, and slept on the idea of making the big move. But decided against it. He’ll be leaving for a few months in September and the timing just isn’t right. I told him my concerns about being so soon and my friends advising against such a quick move. They reminded me of all my quick moves/decisions in the past. His response…. "I think we should do what we think is best.  Yes it is a perfect place and yes I feel the same way about you as you do with me.  I don't think it would be good to move right away the more I think about it just because I want you to be comfortable living there and get us settled in for a while.  My gut feeling is to just wait till we are truly ready to move and get settled.  I think we are just really excited about the idea right now and I have no doubts it would work out but, I think we can do it in a less stressful way and take our time looking for the perfect place at the perfect time"

The way he said that makes me feel so good! And it makes passing up that “perfect place” not a big issue. We’ll find a perfect place with perfect timing. Again, I need to turn my focus on developing me and not thinking of moving.

A reply to the question "What is Happiness"

Happiness is a good feeling in your heart, tummy and mind. It doesn't matter if you're volunteering in Burma or a CEO of the Playboy Mansion.. so long as you wake up every day with that warm fuzzy feeling.. that is happy!! I drew myself a picture and put it by my refrigerator so I could see it every morning when I first moved into the barn. It says "choose to be happy" It all starts with a choice and I lost that simple idea when I lived with Mike because I was so angry and discusted with him and myself. I had to re-learn that simple thing...that simple CHOICE. And you know, I was thinking about what you said about I have only been doing this for 6 months. It's easy to see the great progress I've made in the past six months but it's taken two years since I first decided that I was tired of being miserable and I wanted to be happy! I remember I had to google "how to be happy" because I had no idea where to begin. NONE. I read all about "loving myself" and "finding myself" and all that crap and had no idea what it meant. I was frustrated with this nonsense so of course I tried to find a more "logical" solution. My first insite was when I read about "The Law of Attraction" and I learned to put into my mind that I wanted happiness. I didn't know what it was but I knew I had to find it. And it lead me to take each piece of my life and study it and if it didn't make me happy I left it behind. It took a lot of trial and error, mistakes, steps backward, burned bridges, giant leaps of faith and just stepping off cliffs but in the end... it was totally worth it. I am a creature of habit... and I don't like to let go of what "I know" because it's secure and I learn to work with it. These past two years have been hard because I've had to let go of EVERYTHING I've known in order to find my Happy. The past six months have been the last stretch of the marathon where I could actually see the light and everything clicked and I finally found the key. If I had changed one thing about the path I've been on, I bet I wouldn't be where I am today.

3/23/10 on board 737 en route to Nassau

I laughed out loud at the suggestion of handwriting my thoughts.

Now I find the need to purge them. They flow so quickly and freely and repetitive. So I spent $20 on a set of 2 ruled notebooks at the airport and I’m using a pen I took from the Hilton this morning. Amazing writing on paper, must remember to thank Marci for this one.

Just before I started writing I found myself becoming emotional at the thought of letting go of all that I was running from for years. Now I don’t even know why or what I was cleaving to. I don’t know why or how I was never taught to be alone. I was taught to take care of myself and be self sufficient. But living and traveling alone were not something brought up in my up-bringing.

Sitting on this airplane alone traveling to a destination that I booked alone – on – my – own is something so fulfilling and easy and simplistic. I have all the tools and know-how and forethought and didn’t even know it.

God I hope this pen doesn’t bust

Letting go of all that was dragging me down. What a privilege that I can actually do so. Most women have children and find it nearly impossible to up and walk away from a person or situation or job that is making their lives miserable. I guess that would be the only reason why she would stay.. other than a disability in the spouse or self.

Letting go of all that has made me ill. I’m sure once there is a space that can be filled by more problems, people, drama. But I know how or I’m learning how to block that out. Living by myself takes care of the majority of the outside drama. No one to rely on = no one to let you down.

I’m reading a book written my a struggling English journalist living in NYC who took a job as a stripper to survive. I wade through her ridiculous overly dramatic prose to find similarity in my life as a stripper. Good God why did I even go into those places? Oh-yeah to please my X. It was a bonding process that spiraled out of control. OR – maybe- it led me to my inevitable happiness here on this airplane.
FIRST RULE OF THE LAW OF ATTRACTION – YOU GET WHAT YOU ASK FOR

Good God – I am going to have to go without coffee for a week. – I might just die! =)

The Universe answered my calling..

It's finally happend. I've finally reached a point to where I can stop searching for happiness and enjoy it. Most people wait their whole lifetime for the perfect moment to stop and enjoy life. I choose to do it NOW. I look back on my postings a year and a half ago even two years ago and I'm surprised I didn't kill myself. I was so miserable and depressed and I can't believe that was me!

The week of the blizzard, and before I found out he was cheating on me all I wanted was peace in my life and in my soul. I didn't know how I would get it and I was completely lost. I knew I needed to change and I had no idea how I could find what I was looking for. During that same week I heard the Dali Llama speaking about Tiger Woods when he was visiting Obama. He said.... I don't know who Tiger Woods is but it seems to me he has strayed from the Buddha's teachings. It prompted me to do a little search on Buddhism and the first thing I found was something like this....

"Taking refuge is the first step on the Buddhist path to inner freedom, but it is not something new. We have been taking refuge all our lives, though mainly in external things, hoping to find security and happiness. Some of us take refuge in money, some in drugs. Some take refuge in food, in mountain climbing or in sunny beaches. Most of us seek security and satisfaction in a relationship with a man or a woman. Throughout our lives we have drifted from one situation to the next, always in the expectation of final satisfaction. Our successive involvements may sometimes offer temporary relief but, in sober truth, seeking refuge in physical possessions and transient pleasures merely deepens our confusion rather than ending it."

It's what made me turn to Buddhism and I knew it was the answer I needed to climb what felt like a cliff face at the time. I knew I needed to learn how to find the peace that the Dali Llama was talking about. You can read the rest of the excerpt from above here... http://www.buddhasvillage.com/teachings/ly_refuge.htm

The teachings and the words have enveloped me, how can something so simplistic and easy and natural be so hard to find? I haven't even begun to study Buddhism, I've only broken the surface. I know a lot of what I am feeling now is the freedom from any attachments that will hurt me, the freedom of being on my own and relying on myself... the very thing that I feared the most has turned out to be the best thing I could have done!

Astronomical reflection

Today, I’m not sure if you would recognize me.

Physically I’m the same (less bruises and calluses). But I’ve shed the stripper completely. Candy is dead. Buried on June 14 in the bottom of a carry-on suitcase in the dressing room of a strip club.. of course.. drunk on Patron. That marked her last night and good bye celebration.

The only thing I've missed is the feeling of being on stage. Not the attention, because I don't need that now, but the physical exersion. And I can supplement that by going to the gym. Everything else from that stinking hole makes me feel sick when I think about it. I don't want to go back, not even to visit.

I was ready to be rid of her. My evil alter ego that should never have been set loose. Or.. maybe she set me free. Because now, I feel more in charge of my life than I ever have. Sure, I wobble sometimes like a newborn foal but it’s empowering none the less. Because now I know, that no matter what.. the next day the sun will rise and I have the ability to overcome... ANYTHING. I am no longer writhing in depression. Each day I can smile and make it a better one no matter what. Doesn’t mean I don’t battle depression everyday, however.. It is nowhere near as bad as it was 11 months ago.

I’m still transitioning. Still shedding what’s left of the ashes and dirty putrid feathers but most of that has been cast aside. Just a few more dirty bags of clothes and boxes of stuff to be retrieved and unpacked from the X-Husbands house and I believe the physical transition will be complete.

The Divorce was finalized on August 14. No contest, no fights, no resistance. He didn’t even show up like he said he would. But that’s just lighting the candle on the cake. Typical and expected. But now, I don’t have to worry about that anymore!

I’m learning how to live. I’ve learned a lot about people and the world in the last 10 months than I have in the last 10 years. It’s not all good, nooo not at all. I’ve learned that whenever the benefit of the doubt is given.. it’ll most likely be abused. But in those instances that it is given and returned with good things, it’s totally worth all the previous ruthlessness.

I’ve learned that in order to make anything work it’s going to take time and communication and understanding. Things aren’t like they were when I was a teenager, life isn’t set out to give me roses all the time. At this age, people are hardened and cynical and I need to put my best foot forward and make myself a better person all the time. Every day, I want to try my best to be that person worth trying for. I have to say that again. I WANT TO BE THE PERSON WORTH TRYING FOR. I'm discovering something about myself that I don't like. I have noooo relationship skills. I have been a self centered egotistical bitch for years and that isn't who I want to be. I am used to having to make things my way or they don't get done. I’ve realized that if I want the man of my dreams.. (Driven, focused, strong, successful, fun loving, great with family and friends. Makes me laugh, sexy, imaginative, artistic, doesn’t take no for an answer and isn’t afraid to try. Above all things; capable of loving and being loved and completely faithful) I need to let the egotistical bitch go or I won’t be able to keep the man I want. The egotistical bitch was good for the doormat.. not for the leader I crave. So letting this part go is actually bringing more peace into my life. It was hard, and is still hard to do, but with the man I’m with now (the man described above), the results are fantastic!! I’ve discovered this all through a book that I love and hate all at the same time. www.loveisinthestars.com I don’t want to believe the astrological part, it’s depressing. However, the author's little bit of relationship advice brought on a whole new perspective in my relationship and now I feel we are actually going somewhere! I just had to let my bitch go!! … Because no man worth working for will put up with a bitch like that.

I’ve learned that if I set something to my mind to make a change for the better to follow it whole heartedly and with blind fate. Because when I do.. the door will open and the life I want is there waiting for you. Just do it. Set the date. Set what you want in fine detail in your mind or on paper. Dammit.. it works. I’ve witnessed it first hand and it’s scary. I’ve made up my mind, taken the leap and landed.. like I told Mikey. Maybe not gracefully, but landed none-the less.

I’ve learned to listen to my intuition and I’m trying to figure the difference between that and another daemon inside. Not sure what that is yet. But when she told me to run from Mikey cause it was so hard and another voice said stay and work at it, I chose to work at it.. not because it was easier either.

Mikey is my Angel. He was sent to me at the right place and the right time. The timing could NOT have been any better. I know as long as I’m good to him, love him with my whole heart and give him my absolute best he’ll be good to me. Because he is very intuitive and can see inside me. Now, what he was talking about a few weeks ago.. I have not a clue. He said that something did happen or will happen but he had a really bad feeling. Maybe it’s already happened and we’ve gone through it. We have been getting to know each other through a brick wall we’ve both set up. We have just recently talked about bringing it down and communicating more. I think it’s just natural for people like us to have that wall. I didn’t say it was good for us, but it’s what happens when we’ve been used and abused in past relationships. It’s not as easy as it was when we were teenagers with the ability to rush into each other with wild eyed naïve wonder. But it’s earned and more meaningful now.

That's all the gushing I'm going to do today. =)

Shooting at Stars

emotions whirl and my brain wheezes for sanity. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why do I feel the urge to run? To be free. I don't see happiness out there either. Nothing on the other side of the fence. The grass isn't greener, it's just a bigger place to play where I know the world is far more harsh than it is in here. So what is the answer? How do I satiate my contempt?

God and the Universe: I’m screaming at you to help me through this.

Why is it so hard to breathe? Is there something wrong that I’m not seeing? That would be an easy answer huh?

I’m going to open my eyes and look hard at my situation. Maybe my instincts are screaming at me to see but I refuse to look…. What if I find something? Oh god, the other side of the fence suddenly looks like an abyss.

compelling

yes, compelling. I logged in today longing to write something compelling. It's a word in my head that makes me think of something that I'm drawn to do. But it actually means forced. Is the Universe forcing me to write? Maybe. Yesterday I read a few articles on suicide. I was compelled to do that. My search lead me to a website by a man called the jellyfish man. He claims to have died and gone to heaven and hell and come back to tell us about it. I read his story hoping to find some hope.... some life changing message. I didn't find it.
I read about how some people tried to commit suicide and as they committed the act they snapped out of their dark way of thinking and emerged (upon survival) as a new person. I'd rather not have to take that "leap" to emerge as a new person.
I know the only reason why I don't do it now is because I don't want my husband to find me. He's such a fragile person. He wouldn't be able to ever recover. If I were to die I would want him to recover and move on. Yes, he's lazy but he's a good person. I do know that is true.
Yesterday I remembered a few years ago I resolved to live my life like there is no tomorrow. To enjoy every moment. And it allowed me to think outside the norm and take steps to do things I wouldn't have normally done because I was so afraid of failing. Now, I find my exotic life a normal routine. I sometimes wish I could return back to the little box I lived in. In some ways I find it suffocating and some ways I find it safe. But in all ways I find myself in the same state of mind... life is still not good enough. When will it ever be? I will continually have to fight for my sanity. Continually have to fight depression and anxiety. It exhausts me.
I'm still running from those things. I hide from them by emerging myself in work. I am just now getting over a sinus infection I had for two weeks. It overtook me while I was taking a vacation from my Admin job. I was taking time off so I could get other stuff done. But I ended up so sick I could barely walk without exhausting myself. After two weeks I went to the Dr. and they gave me 10 days worth of anti-biotics and they told me I had a heart murmur because I had the infection for so long. I've been on the anti-biotics for a week and I am still not completely better. I hate that my body failed me. It should be able to keep up with my mind. I wish it would.
I'm still in search of my happiness. I lost my touch with the Universe. I had it for a little while and it was good too me. My chaotic brain doesn't help me stay focused. It's a battle every day to keep above the dark murk that I tread.

I wonder how much I'm going to fuck up my life living on the edge like this? And I wonder when the turning point will be that gives me the courage to end it all.

breathing

One breath at a time today.
When I finally hugged her I cried. (I well up remembering the relief I felt as I type) I didn't realize I'd been holding my breath since the last time I saw her. I felt a tremendous pressure roll off my shoulders when we sat down for lunch and she carried on in her usual way of telling me everything that's been going on in her life. I love to hear her talk about her life. She could talk about anything and it would take me away. She takes me away from my inner turmoil and let's me float in her words for awhile. I can't place what it is about my airy Sagittarius that makes me feel so good when I listen to her carry on about what's been going on in her world. It could be her beautiful accent or her extraordinary outlook on life and love. Combine that with her beautiful smile and her hand movements and the way she bounces her body when she's telling me her stories with her extraordinary passion that just takes me away.

At one time I knew that I needed her but I buried that feeling. It scares me to need people. I knew she had to go away for awhile and I didn't want to burden her with my neediness. So I suppressed and with time, I forgot. I forgot, like I always do.

And as I sit to write this down I recall a conversation with Scott yesterday that opened my eyes. He was telling me he won't be happy until he finds someone to love. I told him my theory of it being unfair to the other person to base your happiness solely on them. What if they fail? I have been trying to find my own happiness and not rely on others to give it to me. (you see how happy I am now, right?)
Scott replied saying that he needs support in his life and he can't do it alone. And that made me think that maybe I do too. I need a lot of support, but I'm so scared of being hurt I try to be strong and stand on my own and here I am lonely and unhappy even though I have lots of wonderful people around me.
Funny how the Universe opens my eyes so kindly when I need it. I have to learn how to balance my inner strength and letting others in so they can bring me joy.
**
Thank you so much my Kitty for driving all the way to see me that day. I truly, truly needed that and you are my angel.

The needle tears a hole

I've called in sick two days in a row and done nothing but sleep. I feel like I could sleep right now. I'm so fucking depressed it's all I can do.

Casey sent me a text last night explaining that he can't find any girls and asked me to come in today. I thought.. fuck it. why not? I can stand to make a few extra bucks.

I had to tell husband again last night that nothing has changed. In fact I feel worse than before. Because now that I'm back to my previous schedule I'm resentful for having to work so damn much. Can't stop now, can't give up on the goal. It's my life. Can I get a little financial support? Can I get a pat on the back? "Hey baby, you're doing great!"
Really, how much is too much to ask?

I'm going to sit down and figure out my finances again and see if I can project when I can quit one job. I also have to do a lot of thinking of where I will be within the next six months. It may not be in this house.

I'm wondering if The Law of Attraction has brought me to this. I've been projecting and thinking and setting my goals towards my perfect world and now I realize it may not be acheived in my current situation. So changes are coming. Maybe I can ask the Universe for a less painful change process?

In his eyes

Everything I want to be I'm not.
In his eyes
I want to be beautiful.
I want to be fabulous.
I want to be sexy!
I want to be taken care of.
I want to be supported.
I want to be successful.
I want him to be proud of me.
I want him to tell me all of these things.
--------------------------------------
If he is, he doesn't tell me. I'm nothing. I'm humbled.
--------------------------------------
My vacation from my real job is winding down and I feel like I've worked the whole time. Computers crash, time slips by, I've had anxiety attacks and models quit and models be let go. I've also had great things happen. I've hired new models and had more apply. I'm having a new computer built and a job opportunity open up at the raceway close to my house. I think this could be the opportunity I need that will open up a lot of doors. My life is like a rubix cube. I have to figure out what to move first in order to get the colored blocks all on the same side.
Things will work out. They always do.
xoxxo

Triple Dipped

This past weekend was a very good one. I enjoyed myself immensely and that is NICE. I actually got a little work done and even started a little on my business plan.

Sunday, I went to a Model Search hosted by a nationaly known company to see if I could scope out a few girls that would be good for my business. There was not one girl that looked remotely promising. That is so sad!!

My moods are up and down and swinging dramatically. I'm restless and unhappy. I don't know what to do about it at this point. I'm weighing my options and none of them look promising. Turns out the Universe has thrown at me the key to make all my dreams come true but that would require me to uproot. Is this some kind of joke? I don't find it funny! A test? I fail tests.

Anyway, I got a flat tire on my way to work yesterday and had to ask my boss to turn around and help me. Hubby also left work to help me. I was only like 3 miles from work so that wasn't too bad. I'm glad I did ask for help because the lug wrench I had didn't fit my lug nuts! My tire is irreparable so I had to order a new one. And of course, I require special tires. And now those tires are discontinued. Long story short, one was found on the East Coast and it is being sent overnight to me. Hope it arrives today. Meanwhile, I have my little spare on my car. I don't want to drive it home and back so I left it at work overnight. I don't think driving 80 miles on a spare is a good idea. Aside from the fact that is really hard to get up to 50mph.

Dear Universe:
Thank you for all you're giving me. Now, how about a way to make it work? It's like giving me my dream car without the keys!
Candy

Dear Universe

Dear Universe:
Please provide me with more beautiful and personable models to work all these new assignments that you are sending my way. Please include lots of money too. Please also with that money, include time to spend working on my Modeling business that is taking flight.
Also, Universe, if you could make this weekend beautiful, indistinct and carefree that would be excellent!

Thank you so much!

Candy

Flirting with Disaster

a million thoughts run through my mind.. fleeting.. dragging.. fragmented.

~Scheduling girls for photo shoots and drift events.... At least trying to. One thing about working with these girls... THEY AREN'T SO BRIGHT! Please excuse me if I compare them to bricks. Good lord... Hi! Hello there! free money! Hey over here! There has to be an easier way.

~ Spending quality time with hubby instead of sleeping. He's going through hell right now at work. Christmas isn't a joyus time for him at all. He's in charge of Christmas hams and he's working really hard to get them to the stores on time. He's very stressed and about to loose his mind.

~ Trying to stay focused at the club so I can make the most of my time before I take January off.

~ Looking forward to the few days I'm taking off next week from my real job. Trying to juggle what days I'll devote to the club and what days I'll take to myself and making sure I pay enough attention to hubby too. It's so hard when I've been so exhausted. I'm barely able to keep myself healthy and running and now he needs me too. I'm really looking forward to the days off ahead. I hope to catch up on some rest and catch up on some house work.

~ One for the Universe.... I am a successful happy woman with all the time I need to enjoy the things I love. I'm happy for a great running car, wonderful cuddly animals and great friends who are willing to help me along the way. thanks so much!

What UP?

I think I need to get back on that quantum physics kick. Focus... Focus.... FOCUS!!!
I am currently regretting working that Thursday at the club. I know you're asking why... and it's a good thing... cause I'm gonna tell ya. Casey would like me to work this Thursday too. There's another feature... As in porn star. yay. I'm excited to watch this one crawl around on the stage cause she's so wasted she can't walk. Imagine my delight.
Having been forewarned enough I told the boss here that i have a Dr. Appointment in the morning so at least I'll be sleeping till 9 a.m. on Friday.
I won't be taking that weekend off that I planned. Just decided it wasn't a good idea. Sometimes you just have to go with your instincts.

I am unhappy to report that I am currently late on my period. I took a prego test and it was negative. I'll take another on Friday if I have not started the blood cycle yet. Gah, can being a woman be any easier???

Great news on my modeling business!! I have convinced one of my clients to go to the DC Auto Show and they're bringing us along!!! I'm excited to actually have sold them on doing this event and that we are going to get some great exposure while we're there!

This past weekend went well. Friday night I drank two glasses of wine. I wanted to be able to focus on making more money. I was able to focus, unfortunately there were hardly any customers to focus upon! I kinda regretted choosing that evening to drink lightly. But just maybe if I had drank heavier I wouldn't have made as much money as I did. Saturday night I switched to Patron but only a little! It was a profitable night and I think I will continue that trend. I was so worried about getting fired this past Saturday though. Rumors were going around that me and one of the other dancers were going to get fired if we couldn't pick up another day at the club. It didn't come to fruition, Casey never talked to us about it. Maybe the harbinger was lying or maybe Casey is waiting to pounce.

Faulty Memories

While pouring my coffee this morning I was transported back in time to morning coffee with my Dad. I had reheated yesterdays coffee since I didn't have time to make fresh and the smell of left-over coffee reminded me of the instant stuff my Dad would make. He insisted it tasted the same as ground coffee. But instead of coffee with my Dad the presence of my Step-Mother was very strong. A cold chill ran up my spine as I remembered all the harsh words she spoke at the hospital and the frigid realization that she was jealous of me all this time. My breath is short as I type it. I can't help but wonder if my Dad could have lived longer.
A few minutes into my commute more memories flooded back. To thirteen years old when I lived with my real mom. My parents had separated a year before and we were living in our third or fourth domicile by then. My mother had just received her Real Estate Agent license and we were actually living in a house that she was supposed to sell. I don't think she even had the owners permission because we didn't have electricity. My memory was of hiking a mile up the mountain to a little cottage that was owned by a summer vacationer my mother knew. I would hike in the dark to this house to take a shower every evening. Then walk back down to be with my mother and her boyfriend. I remember feeling so scared, empty and alone and desolate! A few weeks later on Christmas Day, my mother packed all of our belongings into a little Chevy LeMans rental car and whisked me away to Kentucky without telling a soul. There, we lived in a roach infested motel for weeks. But that is a whole other story. My heart is heavy remembering this. I know I was helpless in this situation, maybe that's what makes me so strong today. I never want to feel that way again.
What made these memories come back so suddenly? I can't be sure. I know that I have been trying to focus very hard on staying on the right track. Sometimes I stray, like last weekend with my alcohol consumption. I'm convinced I'm not going to have another weekend like that for a while. I need to keep my eye on the prize and make as much money as I can.
I'm also concerned because Casey the club manager sent me a text message on Wednesday evening asking me to come in. I think he's out of his fucking bloody mind, so I ignored it. If he asks me about it tonight I'm going to tell him I lost my phone. This isn't great timing since I want to take next weekend off and I have to ask him for permission. It is firing season and I don't want to enrage him. I'm wondering how much he's going to try to push me into working a weekday. I'm also wondering if I can handle it.... and if it's worth it. Is it? This is where I need to find that post with my priorities listed huh?

Optimistic Dammit

Above ALL things are going great! All jobs are good. Home is good. Health is good. I wouldn't ask for more but... I want more. That's why I'm working so damn much! I want to have a job that allows me to enjoy life, home, family and my hobbies all at once. I picture sunny afternoons in the back yard working on my laptop organizing events for my models to attend and big fat checks coming in the mail for all of my hard work and expertise. How about cold snowy days snuggled on the couch editing my website or contacting exhibitions for my clients to attend so they get more clientele? Social activities with motoring enthusiasts, dinner with THE BMW race team or Motor Trend. Enjoying all these fun activities on my client's dime. Yeah, that's what I want. I want all the girls that work for me love their job and want to keep trying just as hard as they did when the first started. They are the catalyst to the business of course! This will work. All this hard work will pay off and I'll soon be able to quit my office job and my dancing job and be able to enjoy a long career and a fruitful life as a modeling agent.... for motor sports. How's that for a business plan?? Playing with life size Barbies can't be a bad thing huh?

unraveled

I'm fighting an unraveling feeling today. I refuse to let it over-come me. The feeling is unsettlement. I feel like there is something not right in my world and I can't quite place it. I refuse to accept that it is about Kitty leaving the club. The last time she left I got so depressed I was physically ill. I cannot depend upon someone like that. It's not fair to them or me.

This weekend was enjoyable and exhausting as usual. Most of the people I met this weekend were nice... except for the fat ass phone sex operator. Drunk ass bitch. She was sitting at the stage practically taking up two chairs. Who white cottage cheese boobs heaving out of her mumu. I began to dance for her and she says something so that I have to stop dancing, kneel down and ask her to repeat herself. In a drunken wavery fat voice she states that she is a phone sex operator and that I have to do something to impress her. ehh. yeah. I'm up here naked bitch. My presence should impress you. I told her that I'm happy that she is a phone sex operator but I do what I do and that is quite good enough. I danced my little dance and bent down and opened my garter and then she decided she didn't have any money. I told her to ask her fat friend. Her fat friend practically deep throats the dollar bill and wants me to take it out of her fat mouth. umm no. So I sat there through two songs waiting for the fat bitch to find money. Finally, a bouncer tells her to tip or leave. She heaves her fat ass away from the stage and takes her fat disgusting friend with her. Fuckin fat whore. She's so fat that the only way she'll get laid is by long distance. I wrote fat eleven times. heh.
Hope I don't attract that thought! oh hell.. just in case... skinny, thin, wafe, svelt, tiny, ehhh...thin, thin, thin, skinny ehhh, small... wafe like, svelt, small, stick with tits!! Ok that should take care of the universe sending me eh-hem not so thin like features.
I have a plan to go to the gym today... hope that works. Can't wait for tonight, I believe that I could sleep some more. For sure.

day off

I took a vacation day yesterday. I was so exhausted that I just could'nt go one more step. Spent half the day in bed and half the day on the couch. I watched the movie "The Secret". So you know that now I am even more empowered to get what I want.
I told hubby that it couldn't hurt anything, it's not like I'm going to fly to South America and live in a gated community called Jonestown. The worst thing that could happen is that I learn how to be a little more positive.
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Going backwards... Friday and Saturday at the club was fun. I remember that when I had more fun I made more money. So I didn't get all stressed out about how much money I wasn't making but just decided I would have fun with my girls. I still didn't reach my $500 goal on either night but I found that I wasn't so upset about it.
Sunday was supposed to be a laid back kind of day. But, I ended up working a bit more than planned. I had set up a photoshoot for a car club calendar for some of my girls and I wanted to pop in and make sure everything was going ok. I also wanted to make sure that the car club understood that these girls weren't some random models but were working through my organization. I'm glad I went because I was able to assist the photographer with the girls and help organize the shoot a little. Afterward we all went out for an early dinner. I then headed home and passed out on the couch. After only 5 hours of sleep on Sunday morning I could barely hold open my eyes. And of course that carried over into Monday.