Astronomical reflection

Today, I’m not sure if you would recognize me.

Physically I’m the same (less bruises and calluses). But I’ve shed the stripper completely. Candy is dead. Buried on June 14 in the bottom of a carry-on suitcase in the dressing room of a strip club.. of course.. drunk on Patron. That marked her last night and good bye celebration.

The only thing I've missed is the feeling of being on stage. Not the attention, because I don't need that now, but the physical exersion. And I can supplement that by going to the gym. Everything else from that stinking hole makes me feel sick when I think about it. I don't want to go back, not even to visit.

I was ready to be rid of her. My evil alter ego that should never have been set loose. Or.. maybe she set me free. Because now, I feel more in charge of my life than I ever have. Sure, I wobble sometimes like a newborn foal but it’s empowering none the less. Because now I know, that no matter what.. the next day the sun will rise and I have the ability to overcome... ANYTHING. I am no longer writhing in depression. Each day I can smile and make it a better one no matter what. Doesn’t mean I don’t battle depression everyday, however.. It is nowhere near as bad as it was 11 months ago.

I’m still transitioning. Still shedding what’s left of the ashes and dirty putrid feathers but most of that has been cast aside. Just a few more dirty bags of clothes and boxes of stuff to be retrieved and unpacked from the X-Husbands house and I believe the physical transition will be complete.

The Divorce was finalized on August 14. No contest, no fights, no resistance. He didn’t even show up like he said he would. But that’s just lighting the candle on the cake. Typical and expected. But now, I don’t have to worry about that anymore!

I’m learning how to live. I’ve learned a lot about people and the world in the last 10 months than I have in the last 10 years. It’s not all good, nooo not at all. I’ve learned that whenever the benefit of the doubt is given.. it’ll most likely be abused. But in those instances that it is given and returned with good things, it’s totally worth all the previous ruthlessness.

I’ve learned that in order to make anything work it’s going to take time and communication and understanding. Things aren’t like they were when I was a teenager, life isn’t set out to give me roses all the time. At this age, people are hardened and cynical and I need to put my best foot forward and make myself a better person all the time. Every day, I want to try my best to be that person worth trying for. I have to say that again. I WANT TO BE THE PERSON WORTH TRYING FOR. I'm discovering something about myself that I don't like. I have noooo relationship skills. I have been a self centered egotistical bitch for years and that isn't who I want to be. I am used to having to make things my way or they don't get done. I’ve realized that if I want the man of my dreams.. (Driven, focused, strong, successful, fun loving, great with family and friends. Makes me laugh, sexy, imaginative, artistic, doesn’t take no for an answer and isn’t afraid to try. Above all things; capable of loving and being loved and completely faithful) I need to let the egotistical bitch go or I won’t be able to keep the man I want. The egotistical bitch was good for the doormat.. not for the leader I crave. So letting this part go is actually bringing more peace into my life. It was hard, and is still hard to do, but with the man I’m with now (the man described above), the results are fantastic!! I’ve discovered this all through a book that I love and hate all at the same time. www.loveisinthestars.com I don’t want to believe the astrological part, it’s depressing. However, the author's little bit of relationship advice brought on a whole new perspective in my relationship and now I feel we are actually going somewhere! I just had to let my bitch go!! … Because no man worth working for will put up with a bitch like that.

I’ve learned that if I set something to my mind to make a change for the better to follow it whole heartedly and with blind fate. Because when I do.. the door will open and the life I want is there waiting for you. Just do it. Set the date. Set what you want in fine detail in your mind or on paper. Dammit.. it works. I’ve witnessed it first hand and it’s scary. I’ve made up my mind, taken the leap and landed.. like I told Mikey. Maybe not gracefully, but landed none-the less.

I’ve learned to listen to my intuition and I’m trying to figure the difference between that and another daemon inside. Not sure what that is yet. But when she told me to run from Mikey cause it was so hard and another voice said stay and work at it, I chose to work at it.. not because it was easier either.

Mikey is my Angel. He was sent to me at the right place and the right time. The timing could NOT have been any better. I know as long as I’m good to him, love him with my whole heart and give him my absolute best he’ll be good to me. Because he is very intuitive and can see inside me. Now, what he was talking about a few weeks ago.. I have not a clue. He said that something did happen or will happen but he had a really bad feeling. Maybe it’s already happened and we’ve gone through it. We have been getting to know each other through a brick wall we’ve both set up. We have just recently talked about bringing it down and communicating more. I think it’s just natural for people like us to have that wall. I didn’t say it was good for us, but it’s what happens when we’ve been used and abused in past relationships. It’s not as easy as it was when we were teenagers with the ability to rush into each other with wild eyed naïve wonder. But it’s earned and more meaningful now.

That's all the gushing I'm going to do today. =)