Intrasepection

Today is great, I am working on a new way of thinking and it seems to be helping. It's just an evolution of what I have already been practicing and I can't believe I didn't see it before.  I find it funny how so many things came together at once as you'll see below.
I have always struggled with letting things go. Resentment from the past has always blocked me from fully being present and happy in the moment. Sure I've had those great highs of clarity, but only to come back to reality wondering if the people or circumstances were going to change and hurt me again. It's become a problem since about a week before Josh was to leave. Because the high of our whirlwind summer romance was coming to an end I started to come back to reality. The darkness was overtaking my brain and I was feeling like something bad was going to happen at any second. I think I wrote about struggling and trying to stay focused. Seriously, even on my way back from Dallas I had dreadful feelings.  I landed at Memphis for a layover and there was a voicemail on my phone. I seriously thought it was going to be Josh breaking up with me. I can't trust my gut feelings because it's ALWAYS telling me something is wrong. So I turned to my the Bob Grant book "Women Men Adore" not because I wanted to attract my Josh, but because it is a great guide to being a healthy minded happy female which I wasn't ever taught to be. I read something that I've read at least 4 times and it finally clicked and I decided to give it a try. He explains that you have to let go of resentment from the past. Whether it is from the person you're with or from childhood, past relationships or circumstances. I didn't know how to let go so I just blocked the rest of what he said from my brain. He says letting go of resentment is the willingness to forgive. And part of forgiveness is greiving among 4 other parts that he listed. Grieving is the ADMISSION that you'll never get that moment back that someone took from us. Once I figured out that I just needed to identify each memory that causes me pain, and give it away (mentally see it go away) to the Universe or God or Jesus.
http://www.relationshipheadquarters.com/


Now if you're still with me I need to share what made this finally make sense. I started a book on Mindful Meditation. It's a kind of meditation that allows you to meditate on one certain thought or feeling withoug allowing the feeling to erupt. Versus the kind of meditation that forces your mind to stay silent and peiceful, which I still find useful. Anyway, Say you always feel anxiety when you take your child to the bus stop. You capture that feeling of anxiety and take a good hard clinical look at it... why do you feel anxiety? You could possibly trace that feeling back to a childhood experience at a bus stop that you've always tried to surpress and never actually addressed. So now that I've exercised this form of Meditation and noticed that it actually works. (I did it with my hotel room anxiety, but not my airport anxiety) Grab that bad feeling memory, look at it, say it hurt me because... and then give it away to the Universe, God or Jesus. If it comes back again (which I haven't had that happen yet) then do it again, till it's all gone. Kinda like sweeping crumbs into a dust pan.... it takes more than one sweep but evenutally each crumb as a part of the whole experience or memory gets swept away.

Why do I keep mentioning Jesus, since I've always questioned his existence before? Because I was praying the other night while I couldn't sleep. I was feeling terrible anxiety and I was scared that my bad feelings were my intuition telling me my whole world was going to crumble. And I remembered Josh's Mom saying you just have to let Jesus into your life. Ok, what the heck.... So I just imagine Jesus hanging with me all day and if I get a bad memory or feeling I just hand it over to him. Easy and Done!

So now that I'm not internalizing all my feelings like I have been by meditating and trying to quiet my mind. If a feeling comes up while I try to quiet my mind I address it, analyze it and move on.

I'm trying to keep my "inner child" or soul from trying to escape my body when it feels a bad feeling by taking that memory or feeling and letting it go.

I think that's part of my anxiety.. our soul or inner child trying to escape our bodies, bad feelings and memories. It causes so much stress and confusion on our mind. If we sit quietly and make it calm, then take whatever bad feeling and give it away... maybe it'll work?

It's a hootinany!

I just returned from a whirlwind vacation to Dallas Texas! Compliments of my sweety! He has been working at the State Fair since September 23 and we missed each other so much, he surprised me with tickets to visit him for a few days!
It was such a fantastic trip! He bought tickets on Priceline last Wednesday, I flew out on Thursday and returned Monday! I actually got to witness his work from the inside out and got a really good appreciation of what goes on, how things are done and what he's actually talking about! I can't say enough what a great time I had even though he did have to work!
Additionally, I just finished my first week of classes! Only two classes, one on Tuesday and the other on Thursday each 4 hours a night. I am confident I'll do awesome in both cause I am determined to do so. Even though one of my classes is Fundementals of Mathmatics, I'm glad I'm taking it so I can get a good grasp on how to do things correctly instead of being pushed through it as I've always done in the past. Now, I give myself the tools to do better in any other math class I'll need to take from now on! I'm so good to me!
Josh comes back on October 12 and so begins our planning on moving from the farm to his place.
The farm has become a source of stress for me. It's now cold and dark and full of bugs, leaky windows, cold & muddy showers. I still find a good feeling while I'm there, but I feel like it's time to move on. I feel the urge to go to Josh's place even though he's not there. It has a good feeling of joy and happiness. The Farm, even though it is beautiful scenery couldn't ever really be enjoyed when staying there because there were always so many bugs. I always found myself leaving the little apartment in search of trails, water or other things. I can do that from his place in the burbs also! AND I can enjoy hot, clean water, no bugs, consistent internet access and a warm family to enjoy it with if I wish. Josh lives in a huge walk out basement with an Italian Family. They are great people and even took some time to take care of me while I was sick with Strep and Mono this summer. I have a really good feeling about moving and I can't wait to get started!

Little Reminders

These days I'm marveling at my outlook on life. Even though the shiny new-ness of my new-found self sometimes gets tarnished and I have to remember how to shine it back up again.. I am still happy. It's amazing how old habits can overtake my brain and I find myself thinking negatively or being unkind. But with only slight effort I can bring myself back to my platform of loving kindness. It's baffling that when I find myself removed from the platform... I have forgetten how to get back to it. I have to start all over from the beginning to remember how to get back there. There are no shortcuts. The beginning.. is BREATHE.. then find the quietness inside. Sometimes, it's hard to find the platform and it takes me a few days of effort. But I'm on it now, and that is what is important. I've been logging all of my summer activities and I can't wait to write them here. Work and Play have kept me busy so actually sitting down and writing it all out will have to wait. I'll have plenty of time once Josh goes to Dallas. I find it amazing that I am comfortable with him going, because I will get to spend quiet time with myself. Amazing, how that thought even crosses my mind as a good thing. It just amazes me. 
Here's a great article I found on Yahoo... I am glad to have read it, because it reinforces the focus I need to keep. In other words... It's Dog Time = now.

Life's little secrets from the young and the old.

by Sarah Beston, Shine Staff, on Mon Aug 16, 2010 8:39am PDT15

Life's simple pleasures are best learned through the young and the old. Those effortless joys that we experience as children at the beginning of life are rediscovered in the end, and they teach us all the secrets we need to live a happy life.


I learned these secrets on my visits to my grandmother's nursing home after she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. Old men and women in wheelchairs lined the hallway. Occasionally one of the patients would look up and smile, but most just concentrated on the person next to them...conversing about something they probably wouldn't remember thirty-seconds later. Who they "were", where they came from, and what they owned didn't matter anymore and you realized it never really did. In the nursing home, as with young children, It was all about the moment-- similar to a dog walking into a room, tail wagging, only to forget a few seconds later why he came into the room to begin with. For a moment I would reflect on how life is cyclical. It starts and ends in diapers. It starts and ends with no teeth. It was interesting to see what put a smile on one's face at a time in life when nothing superficial mattered.


Here are the secrets shared by children and old people that we should always remember:


Secret 1: Ice cream and cookies are always good (even if you don't have teeth)


My grandmother was known as the cookie monster. She was always armed with the Royal Dansk Butter Cookies (those cookies in the blue tin that come in five varieties...pretzel ones, round ones, square ones, swirly ones, and other round ones that aren't as good as the first round ones) and she was not afraid to use them. Ever.


Secret 2: Companionship means everything


Just sitting with someone, even if you can't communicate with words, creates a feeling of love, comfort, and support.


Secret 3: Live for the moment and in the moment


Our minds are what take us out of the present moment. When you quiet your mind and put aside the stress of the past and the anxiety of the future, you can allow yourself to just be. Old people and babies are naturals at this.


Secret 4: Love even if you don't know why


Babies and old people don't judge love, they just love because it feels better than the alternative.

Secret 5: Nap-time is the best

Taking a daily nap can do wonders for your mood and help you feel refreshed at any age.

Secret 6: Take daily strolls

Whether in a stroller or a wheelchair, the fresh air and the feeling of sunshine on your face always generates a sense of calm.


Secret 7: Hum, sing, and dance as much as you possibly can


My grandmother loved "The Twist." If it isn't Chubby Checker and the Fat Boys that get you, so be it, but we all have that one tune that when you hear it you can't help but be in a good mood. That was ours. We would bust it out and when my grandmother could dance she would, and when she couldn't, she would just squeeze my hand as we hummed.


It is the living in between these opposite ends of the spectrum of life where we have to reflect on these times and remind ourselves what truly matters.


What simple pleasures do you enjoy?

check, check

Oh I have only minor things to write about but not today. Just wanted to check in and say things are going wonderfully and I'm feeling great so long as I remember to take my vitamin. If not, the mono gets to me a bit. But I've managed to keep my mind on focus and the bliss at hand! More later.. but here's a teaser....!

Auto-pilot strikes.. and is defeated!

I’ve been slowly straying from the path and I have finally caught myself. It’s so easy to do. I forget that what I have right now is great and I start wanting more and next thing I know I’m obsessing and focusing so intently on something else that I forget to live for now. Specially right now that I’m not feeling my best. I’ve been blessed with the mono, my mind is wearing down.


I feel unfocused, my brain is rattling around and chattering all the time with the things I want and how to get them. Constantly trying to figure out a better way. Banging on the bars hoping to find an easier way.

What do I want that is bothering me so much? I want to lower my car payment so I can save money and I wand to find a place to live with Josh. Both of these things aren’t urgent. Additionally, my mind is on returning to school. I’m worried I won’t be able to afford it. Oh sure… college loans.. what happens when I graduate in FOUR years and I’m over $50k in debt and I still don’t have a better paying job? Heck, I’m worried I won’t be able to afford the added expenses of just “going” now.. books, supplies… I’m on a very strict budget.

But my question to my new found lifestyle is this… how do you get anything done without forethought and planning? We are supposed to always live in this moment. Right here, right now.

And here is my answer…. I wrote the post on how to cure my restless mind. Those worries will be placed in their rightful slot, not running around my head like a two year old on Red Bull. I will learn to meditate on them and then let them go until the next time I meditate. I need to train my brain not to obsess. But I also need to figure out how to be pro-active instead of re-active in my new lifestyle. I need to learn to trust in God. I also need to learn to ask for help. I also need to remember that what it all boils down to is kindness… seriously… what else do you want… in the end?

Attraction Laws...

Someone once said that you should be careful for what you ask for, because you just might get it.  Josh and I talked a few weeks ago about moving in together in December. The only stress we both have in our relationship is the distance we live apart and the distance I live from his work. We haven't spent a night apart unless he is travelling so we may as well live together now.  But I know that the travel time he puts in to come see me is a gift and I can only expect him to be happy with it for so long. I travelled that distance back and forth every day when I lived with Mike and it wasn’t even rewarding when I got home and it was terrible! Since he's been sick he's been staying at my place until he gets better and we’ve discovered that we can actually live together in a 300 square foot apartment without any issues and still miss each other when we are apart.

We agreed that we would keep an eye out for the perfect place to live and wouldn't settle for anything less and knew it would take a long while to find the exact one.

Our perfect place is a tall order: a cheap (under $1,200) apartment or cottage on a horse farm within 40 miles of his work with plenty of safe parking because our cars are our priority. This past week we agreed that we loved living in a small space. It keeps things simple and it makes us happy, his only request is that we get a place with higher ceilings so he doesn't bump his head. My only request was to get a place with lots of windows.

I’ve had an idea in my head that we could find an apartment above a garage and I imaged that whenever I think about where we would live

Well... we found THAT place…. The exact place that both of us have described and talked about and envisioned. It's a studio apartment on a BEAUTIFUL horse farm above a 3 car garage with vaulted ceilings and LOTS of windows! It's exactly 40 miles to his work and 22 miles to mine. With LOTS of parking and since the home owner goes to Florida in the winter with all her cars and horses, we'll have garage space for his Cobra for the winter.

It's everything we asked for!!!

What's the problem you ask??? WE HAVE ONLY BEEN DATING FOR TWO MONTHS!!!

We tossed it around for a while, and slept on the idea of making the big move. But decided against it. He’ll be leaving for a few months in September and the timing just isn’t right. I told him my concerns about being so soon and my friends advising against such a quick move. They reminded me of all my quick moves/decisions in the past. His response…. "I think we should do what we think is best.  Yes it is a perfect place and yes I feel the same way about you as you do with me.  I don't think it would be good to move right away the more I think about it just because I want you to be comfortable living there and get us settled in for a while.  My gut feeling is to just wait till we are truly ready to move and get settled.  I think we are just really excited about the idea right now and I have no doubts it would work out but, I think we can do it in a less stressful way and take our time looking for the perfect place at the perfect time"

The way he said that makes me feel so good! And it makes passing up that “perfect place” not a big issue. We’ll find a perfect place with perfect timing. Again, I need to turn my focus on developing me and not thinking of moving.

A reply to the question "What is Happiness"

Happiness is a good feeling in your heart, tummy and mind. It doesn't matter if you're volunteering in Burma or a CEO of the Playboy Mansion.. so long as you wake up every day with that warm fuzzy feeling.. that is happy!! I drew myself a picture and put it by my refrigerator so I could see it every morning when I first moved into the barn. It says "choose to be happy" It all starts with a choice and I lost that simple idea when I lived with Mike because I was so angry and discusted with him and myself. I had to re-learn that simple thing...that simple CHOICE. And you know, I was thinking about what you said about I have only been doing this for 6 months. It's easy to see the great progress I've made in the past six months but it's taken two years since I first decided that I was tired of being miserable and I wanted to be happy! I remember I had to google "how to be happy" because I had no idea where to begin. NONE. I read all about "loving myself" and "finding myself" and all that crap and had no idea what it meant. I was frustrated with this nonsense so of course I tried to find a more "logical" solution. My first insite was when I read about "The Law of Attraction" and I learned to put into my mind that I wanted happiness. I didn't know what it was but I knew I had to find it. And it lead me to take each piece of my life and study it and if it didn't make me happy I left it behind. It took a lot of trial and error, mistakes, steps backward, burned bridges, giant leaps of faith and just stepping off cliffs but in the end... it was totally worth it. I am a creature of habit... and I don't like to let go of what "I know" because it's secure and I learn to work with it. These past two years have been hard because I've had to let go of EVERYTHING I've known in order to find my Happy. The past six months have been the last stretch of the marathon where I could actually see the light and everything clicked and I finally found the key. If I had changed one thing about the path I've been on, I bet I wouldn't be where I am today.

Sweet Summer Breaths

I’ve been so busy living, loving and laughing that I haven’t had time to post!

Life is great! It’s been filled with warm summer days at the river and exploring the countryside. Great music filled nights in Washington DC, cooking spectacular meals together in my little place, dining out, great wine, long nights in each others arms and fantastic and frequent sex.

I am really enjoying every second of life. I never thought it was possible. I would look at people like they were crazy when they would say life is good. But now I see and it’s a beautiful thing!

Pin Ball Wizard

I’m so glad that I decided to wait till fall to start taking classes. I’m having way too much fun and I would probably be very distracted if I were trying to study right now. Granted it has been a very busy few weeks for me, but I think that won’t die down any time soon.

Our trip to Atlantic City for the Marine Corp Law Enforcement Foundation Gala was just amazing! I really don’t think it could have been more perfect.... even the hangover.

I decided to have him plan all the details and I would just ride along. I would naturally have taken over, planned every detail from sleep schedule to route taken. But I wanted him to get in the leadership role right away. So he’s not afraid to try. I’m determined not to emasculate this man because I have always had to control things. So I just let go! And it was great!

I spent most of the evening with Josh’s friend’s wife, Casey. The band did not attend the Gala itself but made two appearances throughout the evening. I’m glad that I met Casey, we hit it off right away and she helped me through the routine. I got to meet all the wives of the band and was introduced as Josh’s wife. Everyone calls each other by their last name so that was a little adjustment that I had to make. And apparently it’s not cool to have a girlfriend but a wife instead.

No wonder Marine’s are so determined to get married as soon as possible! Don’t worry! I won’t be marrying any time soon!

After the Gala we wanted to go out and drink, watch the UFC fight and have fun. It was really cool for me that Josh wanted to get dressed up to go out instead of just jeans and a t-shirt. It just makes everything a little more special. And I can’t remember the last time someone took me out looking just as good as me! I really enjoyed the people watching.. NJ people are just out of control since they made it on tv. They all think they’re rock stars… Hahaa!

I woke up with a killer hangover and don’t remember the great sex we apparently had! Thank God Josh had to get up early for 8 a.m. chow and make sure all of his men were present… because he brought back food! I ate a little breakfast and we laid back down and slept off the rest of the alcohol. We took our time leaving and found a great Italian restaurant out in Brigantine. I got to show him the bridge that my dad designed linking Atlantic City to Brigantine. We then took the long way home, via the Cape May Ferry. The whole trip from NJ to MD took us 8 and a half hours and we enjoyed every minute of it! Listening to a station that played only 80’s music, singing along and commenting on the weird topics that they sang about… Pin Ball Wizard.. really??

A few things he said that I will never forget… I asked him to never stop holding me or touching me the way he does and he said “Deal, so long as you never cut your hair, always keep that beautiful smile and don’t get any taller”. The other thing he said was while we were at this dive diner for dinner…. Hungover, 6 hours into a long drive and exhausted… he looked me straight in the eyes and said “Tell me something random that I don’t know about you”. I find that to be quite amazing given that we had spent the whole weekend together and he’s still not tired of me.

So much for keeping my distance and not getting attached…

*note.. I think I have a picture of me and my dad on this ferry along this railing.. I need to find it!

Monday evening I decided to pack a bag just in case….

Yesterday I spent the greater part of my workday planning out a covert operation. I wanted to see Josh play without him knowing that I was there. So I collected all the information I needed and set out for a killer commute into Washington, DC. It took me an hour and a half to go 20 miles to the Arlington National Cemetery Marine Corps War Memorial (aka Iwo Jima Memorial) from my workplace.

What a spectacular show! I was very impressed and moved by this performance. I really didn’t take his career choice very seriously until I see what he and his fellow musicians do for people. They are the motivators, comforters and inspiration that keep our patriotism in place. These men and women are the pall-bearers of our fallen soldiers. Traveling the world to keep Americans strong and together. Who the hell knew? He must feel some giant sense of pride and weight all at once. I think I want to dig into his head and figure out more.

Anyway I sent him a picture during the show and waited for him to return to his barracks to retrieve his phone. He called me ecstatic after he received it! He was so excited that I came to watch. He told me that he had a feeling I was out there but couldn’t spot me. He even told his friend he was disappointed that I was not there.. and then found my message.

Seeing him was just one reason why I went there. I went there to observe and I saw a lot.

1. He was where he said he would be.

2. There was no scrambling to cover tracks or hide something even when I came to his house afterward.

3. He was very happy to see me and thanked me many times!

I can tell you this.... the outcome of my surprise visits…. have never turned out this positive. Why did I do it if I plan on keeping my distance? Well firstly, I don’t want a liar around me. Secondly, I may not want to keep my distance. This little trip gave me lots of hope. I can tell you these things.. he loves to touch me, my face, my hair, my hands. His voice changes when he’s talking to me about us. He has a genuine smile and kind words.. always.

So far.. so good.

And I needed that bag I packed. =)

Heart Health

Yesterday was great for a Monday. I came back from my vacation bright and refreshed. One of my favorite things about coming back from vacation is cleaning up the mess my Counterpart makes. Her lack of competency shines through while I'm gone. I guess it's an ego boost when I come back and everyone is happy to see me and then presents me with their problem to be fixed. I don't make a big deal of it but inside I just feel good.

Yesterday after work was spent shopping for a "prom dress". What started out as a free trip to Atlantic City with Josh turned into me attending a Black Tie Gala where he'll be playing. He plays in the Marine Corp Drum and Bugle Corp.  I'm pretty excited to see him play and for the whole trip in general. I love to go to Atlantic City, only because it reminds me of where I came from.  I lived 2 miles from there between the ages of 6 to 11. Ahh the memories flood back! I had such freedom! I would hop on my bike and just take off and ride and not return till dark every night! I have no idea how my parents would just let me go for hours like that. We lived near some pretty shady neighborhoods. But I had so much time to myself I would just fly!

Anyway, I was going to write about dress shopping.. with the aide of a camera phone and a few good friends.. including Josh. I picked out a perfect black number with a pair of killer and I mean KiLLER stilletos.

Don't worry, I can walk in them... I'm a professional!



The real reason why I logged on to write today... I feel good. I've had a lot of positive reinforcement lately. People telling me I'm good hearted and kind, loving and beautiful. It gave me something to meditate on last night. Feels so good to meditate and have all the negativity empty from my body.

 Life is good!

goings on...

I've come to a realization that I NEVER have felt before in my life. I think it's because I've lost so much and I'm still breathing and my body is still functioning and doing it well. I finally feel that life can't be that bad if I still have my health and shelter and I can provide for myself. I've spent years so depressed and lost and always taken my good health and the simple things for granted. I've truly been stripped bare and living without all the weight on my shoulders gives me such a different perspective.

I've spent a lot of time with friends in the past 2 weeks! IKEA and Costco with Marci and Family to return my overpriced, very uncomfortable futon and get a cheaper, more comfy one! I spent a little time getting to know the people on my farm at a little cookout they had. I went to the track and hung out with my friend Jens, who always has the best advice! I went on a day long hike with my good friend Geneva and showed her a part of West Virginia she never knew existed on Memorial Day. I worked on Tuesday and then took the rest of the week off. I started off my vacation at the DMV to get my drivers license for the new state I live in and then decided to go hiking by myself. It finally hit me that I live in such a unique place, I live by the Appalachian Trail, C&O Canal and quite a lot of historical places within a short drive. So I hopped on Google and chose a place to explore. While walking by myself, a man approached me and said that I should be careful in the direction I was going because there were shady characters ahead. That made me sad a little because I am starting to embrace being by myself and hate to live in fear of walking anywhere. But that's life, so I turned around and found a different place to walk. I felt sooo good getting out! I can't wait to do it again so I made a goal to climb to the top of a cliff and posted a picture of it Facebook to see who wanted to go with me.  That evening I had dinner with my neice. We caught up on life and I feel so good that we reconnected and she took some time to actually get to know me. I think I surprised her a little =)  The next day me and Josh (more about him below) hiked to the top of that cliff! Friday, we went to the exhibit on The Buddha and the Natural History Museum in Washington, DC. Saturday I went to visit Josh in Virginia and returned home in the afternoon and started another painting and enjoyed being by myself as well. I'm on a mission to do what I want to, not what others want me to. I think I've really conquered my fear and any depressed feelings I have can be wiped clean in a healthy way!

I also did a few things that I maybe should not have.
I contacted Mike to meet. I wanted to find out what I did to deserve to be treated like he did. But I couldn't go through with the meeting. I found myself feeling very angry, agitated and anxious the day before we were supposed to meet. So I canceled. I emailed him instead and asked him why. He said it was because he was afraid of being hurt and he didn't trust me (because of his addiction) and then realized he'd lost the only person that really loved him. He said he still loves me and hoped we would work things out one day. I told him that we wouldn't get back together but hoped, once I can stop being angry, we can be friends.
I want to live life with out feeling angry, agitated and anxious. I want to also be able to forgive and live in peace. One of these days I'll be able to do that. I need to grow beyond that and I think contacting him to gain a better understanding and perspective will help in that process. Specially now that we are away from the whole situation and he's had therapy. I was also hoping it would help me better understand what happened with Bryan. But it didn't and that's ok.

I also spent a lot of time with Josh while on vacation. The Marine from over a year ago.. ok one of the Marines from a year ago. We started out as just hanging out and cuddling and ended up having sex... a few times. I laugh because I should have known that my delusion of a guy (or girl) friend spending the night in my bed wouldn't lead to sex. derrrrr. I know this is the kiss of death for any friendship and/or relationship. And he, like others, has waited for me to be single. (TAKE A NUMBER). Supported me through my break-ups. Had kind supportive words with me when I was down. I can tell you all the great things about him like he's kind, considerate, the only man that actually remembers multiple things about me...  or even cared to ask.. like what's my favorite flower? He has good friends, good family and a great job. He's divorced now and now he's 25! Still 10 years behind me but at least a little wiser.  He's not the cocky meat-head that I've been attracted to ..... and I like it! It's what attracted me to him before and it still does. He's got some very endearing quailities once he stops feeling awkward. All my friends say that he sounds like great boyfriend material. I was just looking to hang out with a friend and he's the one that responded to my invitations. I wasn't looking for a relationship and he knows that. So, we are just going to enjoy time together whenever we feel like it. I'm not commiting, it makes me sick to think about that. I'm keeping my heart in check and continuing on my road... I sound like a broken record ...... But I'm happy!

back pedal!

I sent this to his work email last night guessing he wouldn't be in today:

I know it's over. So what if you don't love me as much as you thought you did, I get that, I'm a big girl. I saw it coming. It's a risk I was willing to take to be with the love of my life.


Why delete me from Facebook and not talk to me anymore? No need to just turn your back on me completely like I did something wrong. I think the hardest part of this is now I don't have you to talk to about my feelings, hopes, fears and nonsense like I have for the last 2 years. Just because you aren't passionate for me doesn't mean I don't want you in my life as a friend.

I just had to get that out there, hopefully one day you'll let me back in. I fear I really must've done something wrong to warrant the hasty retreat.

Sorry to bother you otherwise.
_______-----______-----______

Then I regretted it. Thinking maybe I really didn't want to know what is going on in his life. If he pushed me away this far so fast.. it has to be for a reason. I know I didn't do anything wrong. Although sometimes I do wonder why people push me out of their lives like that. I wonder if I have a split personality I don't know about. I know I'm not the most stable person but my mood changes are pretty normal. I think the problems that I talk about are normal and that we are supposed to tell our friends & loved ones what goes in our heads and lives. Maybe I'm wrong? Am I supposed to be happy and un-emotional all the time?

So I sent him an email this morning apologizing for bothering him and to just delete it and I'll leave him alone.

I've got to keep my head together. This is tough. My feelings are split. My mind says I'll be fine. I'm going through withdrawals and disbelief right now. But my body won't let me sleep or eat. There is another realization that I am coming to terms with. This is something I've never felt before... I can't even put it into words even though it's been said thousands of times before and deserves to be announced on a different post. So I shall save it for a different post.

nebbamine...

He broke up with me.. said he wasn't in love with me and wanted to make it clear that he didn't have anyone else.
ermmm.. I didn't think he did till then!
Oh well. Now I don't have to worry about all THAT!

Now I shall begin with my real life mission... Crazy Cat Lady!!!

The Game

I didn't want to play it. In fact I didn't want to get to the point were shit got complicated and I had to think about not calling my boyfriend because he doesn't respect my time.

He apologized on the phone last night saying he was really sick and couldn't talk. I'm not really getting that vibe since he had the energy to play on Facebook yesterday. I'm angry and he has been told I'm angry. If he doesn't 'get it' then he's not in tune with me. The reality is this (thanks Buddha) I'm happy where I am. I'm happy to go to work every day. I'm looking forward to MY future and I have a plan. I'm not including anyone in particular in it. If he so happens to still be in my life as my plan unfolds then he must've done something right cause I'm not wondering around like a lost puppy waiting for him to get his priorities straight. Been there, done that.
Humphh.. can you tell the courting has curtailed? We get a long so well. He's the only man that I actually open up and talk to without feeling a knot in my stomach. He's successful at work. Enjoys nature and cars and road trips like I do. Loves to drive barefoot even! We have a lot of stuff in common. But the deal breaker still stands and I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

This is my time dear boyfriend and you will NOT take it for granted. I'm angry at myself for even bringing someone this close to me and allowing them to do this. I know I can't push everyone out, but I also know I am vulnerable to go back to my old ways of being passive. And so now, it's GAME ON. Hard to Get has Officially begun.... grumble.

For Real?

what's it mean when your man "forgets to" or just doesn't call you back, gets off the phone within 2 minutes and is irritating to be around?

yep. That's what I thought too. Dammit.. now I'm going to have to sleep with someone else!

I've been doing really good for the most part. Until the weekends when I go to his house and my whole mood goes down-hill. I feel nauseous and depressed while I'm there. It's just the weirdest thing! I have to wonder if I will feel that way with anyone I date. Bah, while I'm not looking forward to being alone... I'm looking forward to having my time to myself.

It hasn't happened yet, he hasn't outright said.. hey.. I don't think this is working out. But I know it's coming. And I'll be OK with that. He has a lot of great qualities! But he's a slob.. and that's a deal breaker..cause I don't want to spend the rest of my life picking up after a slob. Additionally, his daughter who is adorable in a lot of ways.. Is a total spoiled brat! She will cry to get anything she wants and he thinks she's so cute he complies. I can't compete with that!

This past weekend was a total mental disaster. I felt so depressed and down that I was angry about it! When I get that way I don't even feel like doing anything about making myself feel better. I just get in my own way. So by Monday, I was still feeling bad all day and still fighting back thoughts of suicide and I knew I needed to do something or I'd just rot. I was feeling the urge to exhaust myself and escape my constant worried thoughts. Normally  I would turn to dancing to solve that problem. But this time I actually had an urge to run when I got home, so I did. I haven't ran since high school and didn't like it then. But I put some headphones on and just went with it. And I really liked it. I want to run more!  I came home and did a half hour yoga session and sat down to write an essay for a college scholarship. I felt sooo much better! Even though Mr. Bryan told me on the phone before I ran that everything was ok with us and quickly had to get off the phone again. He text messaged me later saying he was tired and going to bed. Great.. no call like he normally does and no "I love you". Good job big guy.
Anyway, I went to visit my landlords and we talked for hours about the leaky windows, cars, Christ, church, men and so on. It was good stuff. I didn't get to bed till after 11 and woke up at 3:30 a.m. worrying again.

I think I'll survive this one ok. This past weekend really hit me hard that I'll never be able to deal with his messiness and his little girls' spoiled ways. It's a sad thing really, cause we got along so many other ways.  I just have to wonder what brought him to the conclusion that he doesn't want me? Probably my moodiness. Oh Joy.

In the meantime, I've enrolled in a University. I'll start in the fall for a BA in Business Management.  YAAAY ME!

What is the meaning of life?

Well.. simply put.. to procreate and die. But it looks like I’ll be missing out on that calling since I don’t plan on making any babies. The following is a comment I left on Ur-Spo’s blog since he was also questioning the “Ordinariness of Life”.

“Wow, seems a lot of bloggers out here are thinking the same thing I have been. Several years ago, I couldn’t stand the thought of my very existence being defined by a long commute, working for the man, cleaning the litter box and picking up my husband’s dirty socks. No one told me that was what being grown up was all about! So I decided to jump outside the box and plowed into the dredges of living on the edge. That turned out to be a life changing half a decade that I’ll never get back.
Having recently returned to the 'normal' every day routine after that chaotic adventure... I'm back to the clock ticking on the wall and the daily palette of our so-called existence. I find that I love the normal hum-drum routine and I’m settling with the fact that I may just have to change the world one small good deed at a time. Besides... who else is going to dust that furniture that we so lovingly and thoughtfully bought and forgot about? “


His post and all of his commentators put into action the lingering question in my head. What are we doing here? Who put this big idea in our head that we…each one of us.. will make a difference. So we all set out running for that dream and most of us get stuck in the mire and then begin treading and become affixed with just that. Every once in a while we look to the shore and remember we were put here for a reason but don’t remember why. We struggle, but again settle back into treading to awaken again at a later time.


If Buddha were alive today, that’s what I would ask him. What are we doing here? What can I do to make myself feel, every day, that I’m accomplished and complete? Or is it.. is it normal to feel this way? I know his answers. He felt the same way. That’s why he left his perfect palace life to struggle, starve and suffer to find the happiness he was lacking inside. It’s all in there, we just need to nurture it every day. Our lot in life is to Act, think, breathe, eat and focus on good and nurturing things. That single minded focus along with everyone else’s single minded focus can change the energy of the world. But I think that we must begin with ourselves and our (your) children.

Someone asked me if I ever missed and ever thought about going back to dancing. I would never go back. I know what comes from that place. It makes it impossible to live a good life when you’re living a lie. I enjoy so much being a complete person not having to split my morals, my life and my focus in two. Life is hard enough let alone going down that dark and dreaded trail. Do I miss the money? Yes, undeniably yes! I miss my car, my fast baby that was always breaking parts because of the massive torque. I hate living on a budget. I didn’t spend all the money I made on myself so it’s not like I lived in luxury. The car was the only thing I splurged for myself. Shit, I mostly spent it on deadbeats that never paid me back or appreciated my efforts to help them out. It’s funny how many more friends I had when I had the dough to bail them out of their problems. I must’ve spent $30,000 on helping others in one year. Ex boyfriends, Ex-friends and Ex room-mates… So maybe I don’t miss the money either. And maybe… that’s karma. Look at how I got that money? Look at where it went to. That being said, I’m glad I am where I am right now. I’m clean, focused and can take care of myself. And I sure don’t miss those hangovers!

On the Daily

I'm not on the sunshine high that I was a while ago. I'm not on that low road either. I'm kinda doing the daily living thing. I find that I really crave my alone time and enjoy coming home to my nightly routine of cleaning, eating, showering and art.

It seems menial but I could get used to it. Then I have to factor in my friends and my boyfriend. I know it's wrong and I should be reaching out to friends but sometimes it's just so hard to switch gears. It only makes me sad when it's time to leave them. Only after my visits do I feel lonely and insignificant sitting in my little apartment. I dread Sunday evenings. I have to work hard to make the sad feelings go away. I can barely bring myself to meditate to feel better. I always feel better by Monday morning and relish in my week of alone time once again. Is it weird to think that the weeks don't last long enough? I love the routine, only because I feel balanced and focused. Weekends come and I get off balance, feel lethargic and sick. I try to really focus on what the differences are other than ...well... everything. Sleep routine, alcohol, food and activities are all different and they all make a difference. So I guess I need to figure out how to maintain that routine without loosing my youth!


Another thing, I can't imagine getting into a living relationship with a man right now.. seriously.. who signs up to be a maid on purpose!!?? "Oh hunny, I love you so much that I want to wash your dirty boxers and pick up your socks for the rest of my life... "  I can't imagine what I was thinking when I invited a man to live with me in the first place.
And... on that note.. someone could have told me that you only get second chances on things that don't matter... woulda been helpful.. ya know..

Final Journey Entry

I didn't write down my final day of my journey. I was so interested in leaving that day and I wanted to leave my journal with the great message I had received on my final night there. What a great conclusion to actually have received a definition of myself. I think about it a lot now, when I feel alone and down. It gives me strength and helps me focus. And yes, I put my fist where my heart is and it really helps.

On our final day Tamara had an earlier flight than I did. It was overcast when I saw her off at the dock at 7 a.m. We hugged goodbye and she left in a flurry... So happy to be leaving and looking forward to seeing her boyfriend and getting back to life. The last few days were hard for her. She wasn't ever able to fully recover from the Whirling Workshop.

I was supposed to leave at noon, but I couldn't stand the feeling in my room after she left. I had bad dreams before I woke and the feeling just stayed with me. So I decided to act on my instinct and try to catch an earlier flight home. I did manage to catch an earlier flight home, only to sit on the tarmac for an hour because the server went down in Miami and the US wouldn't clear our flight plan into the country. I just took this as it was meant to be and didn't worry. I arrived at my destination a little later than originally scheduled because my connecting flight was delayed because of weather.

After landing and retrieving my car, I went straight to see Bryan. And it was the best "welcome home" I've ever received and I'll never forget it. Sweet, gentle and loving kisses and hugs.

Now ~
It's been almost a month since my trip and I try to retain the peace and fulfilment I found while there. I try to bring back that feeling all the time. Writing my journal entries has solidified and helped me refocus what I found and learned. I'm reading and studying Buddhism as much as time allows. I'm trying to speak peacefully and surround myself with good people so I don't feel like I have to defend myself and become hardened. I'm trying to eat healthy, because I really noticed a difference when I started eating regular processed foods again. I feel so sluggish and gross when I do. It actually makes me feel depressed. One meal at McDonalds had me down for 24 hours. I have further to go on my life skills but I'm getting there. It's like retraining myself.

I've given a lot of thought to my April/September message. Searched through different skills or trades that I can learn that will benefit me and others as well. Nothing really seemed to catch on. So I decided I would go back to school in the fall for my Bachelors in Business. Whatever comes my way through that will just be what is supposed to be.

Worth Trying For

My post today was going to be about how I'm learning to live with myself and enjoy it. I do really like my precious alone time. I find myself craving it throughout the day at work. I like coming home and cleaning and doing chores. Always soooo much to do. The hardest part is sitting down to eat. I've never liked eating alone. But this place is the least lonely place on earth. Not because there are always people around. But because it feels good here.
But my post has turned to this...
After a lazy wake up time and a great day with Christian visiting from Arizona, I watched "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" and fell asleep late. Mike knocked on my door around 3 or 4 a.m. I was stunned but not surprised if that makes sense. I had a feeling in my tummy later in the evening that he was obsessing again. I made him come in out of the rain and sit down. I didn't want to wake my neighbors. I let him talk for 20 minutes while I sat in silence and listened. Then I took his dog-tags from my purse without a word and opened the door and told him to leave. Of course he didn't.. so I had to curse him out in harsh whispers and told him I never wanted to see him again and then he left saying he loved me as he walked out. Such a dramatic man. I feel better for it today.
I missed going to the Meditation Center this morning. I should have gone, and I shouldn't have used lack of sleep as an excuse. But I did. I'll find another way to find my balance for the week.