Attraction Laws...

Someone once said that you should be careful for what you ask for, because you just might get it.  Josh and I talked a few weeks ago about moving in together in December. The only stress we both have in our relationship is the distance we live apart and the distance I live from his work. We haven't spent a night apart unless he is travelling so we may as well live together now.  But I know that the travel time he puts in to come see me is a gift and I can only expect him to be happy with it for so long. I travelled that distance back and forth every day when I lived with Mike and it wasn’t even rewarding when I got home and it was terrible! Since he's been sick he's been staying at my place until he gets better and we’ve discovered that we can actually live together in a 300 square foot apartment without any issues and still miss each other when we are apart.

We agreed that we would keep an eye out for the perfect place to live and wouldn't settle for anything less and knew it would take a long while to find the exact one.

Our perfect place is a tall order: a cheap (under $1,200) apartment or cottage on a horse farm within 40 miles of his work with plenty of safe parking because our cars are our priority. This past week we agreed that we loved living in a small space. It keeps things simple and it makes us happy, his only request is that we get a place with higher ceilings so he doesn't bump his head. My only request was to get a place with lots of windows.

I’ve had an idea in my head that we could find an apartment above a garage and I imaged that whenever I think about where we would live

Well... we found THAT place…. The exact place that both of us have described and talked about and envisioned. It's a studio apartment on a BEAUTIFUL horse farm above a 3 car garage with vaulted ceilings and LOTS of windows! It's exactly 40 miles to his work and 22 miles to mine. With LOTS of parking and since the home owner goes to Florida in the winter with all her cars and horses, we'll have garage space for his Cobra for the winter.

It's everything we asked for!!!

What's the problem you ask??? WE HAVE ONLY BEEN DATING FOR TWO MONTHS!!!

We tossed it around for a while, and slept on the idea of making the big move. But decided against it. He’ll be leaving for a few months in September and the timing just isn’t right. I told him my concerns about being so soon and my friends advising against such a quick move. They reminded me of all my quick moves/decisions in the past. His response…. "I think we should do what we think is best.  Yes it is a perfect place and yes I feel the same way about you as you do with me.  I don't think it would be good to move right away the more I think about it just because I want you to be comfortable living there and get us settled in for a while.  My gut feeling is to just wait till we are truly ready to move and get settled.  I think we are just really excited about the idea right now and I have no doubts it would work out but, I think we can do it in a less stressful way and take our time looking for the perfect place at the perfect time"

The way he said that makes me feel so good! And it makes passing up that “perfect place” not a big issue. We’ll find a perfect place with perfect timing. Again, I need to turn my focus on developing me and not thinking of moving.

A reply to the question "What is Happiness"

Happiness is a good feeling in your heart, tummy and mind. It doesn't matter if you're volunteering in Burma or a CEO of the Playboy Mansion.. so long as you wake up every day with that warm fuzzy feeling.. that is happy!! I drew myself a picture and put it by my refrigerator so I could see it every morning when I first moved into the barn. It says "choose to be happy" It all starts with a choice and I lost that simple idea when I lived with Mike because I was so angry and discusted with him and myself. I had to re-learn that simple thing...that simple CHOICE. And you know, I was thinking about what you said about I have only been doing this for 6 months. It's easy to see the great progress I've made in the past six months but it's taken two years since I first decided that I was tired of being miserable and I wanted to be happy! I remember I had to google "how to be happy" because I had no idea where to begin. NONE. I read all about "loving myself" and "finding myself" and all that crap and had no idea what it meant. I was frustrated with this nonsense so of course I tried to find a more "logical" solution. My first insite was when I read about "The Law of Attraction" and I learned to put into my mind that I wanted happiness. I didn't know what it was but I knew I had to find it. And it lead me to take each piece of my life and study it and if it didn't make me happy I left it behind. It took a lot of trial and error, mistakes, steps backward, burned bridges, giant leaps of faith and just stepping off cliffs but in the end... it was totally worth it. I am a creature of habit... and I don't like to let go of what "I know" because it's secure and I learn to work with it. These past two years have been hard because I've had to let go of EVERYTHING I've known in order to find my Happy. The past six months have been the last stretch of the marathon where I could actually see the light and everything clicked and I finally found the key. If I had changed one thing about the path I've been on, I bet I wouldn't be where I am today.

sweet summer sweat

WOW, this summer has been the kind fairy tales have been written about!
So long as you use your writer's license to leave out Strep and Mono! Yes!! My dearest Josh has both! And I'm not feeling too well myself. I have taken him in while he is off from work and making sure he is well taken care of. I couldn't think of anyone better to be cooped up inside my little barn apartment with. We hope to be able to crawl outside and sit in the sun for a bit this weekend. That's about all we'll be able to do. It isn't hiking in the woods, but at least it'll be enjoyable. We'll lay a blanket down and nap and play cards while the puffy clouds float by and the horses gallop and winny in the background... yep... still a fairy tale....

On the Farm

See those two windows on the top left hand side of that barn? That is my home!!

Sweet Summer Breaths

I’ve been so busy living, loving and laughing that I haven’t had time to post!

Life is great! It’s been filled with warm summer days at the river and exploring the countryside. Great music filled nights in Washington DC, cooking spectacular meals together in my little place, dining out, great wine, long nights in each others arms and fantastic and frequent sex.

I am really enjoying every second of life. I never thought it was possible. I would look at people like they were crazy when they would say life is good. But now I see and it’s a beautiful thing!

goings on...

I've come to a realization that I NEVER have felt before in my life. I think it's because I've lost so much and I'm still breathing and my body is still functioning and doing it well. I finally feel that life can't be that bad if I still have my health and shelter and I can provide for myself. I've spent years so depressed and lost and always taken my good health and the simple things for granted. I've truly been stripped bare and living without all the weight on my shoulders gives me such a different perspective.

I've spent a lot of time with friends in the past 2 weeks! IKEA and Costco with Marci and Family to return my overpriced, very uncomfortable futon and get a cheaper, more comfy one! I spent a little time getting to know the people on my farm at a little cookout they had. I went to the track and hung out with my friend Jens, who always has the best advice! I went on a day long hike with my good friend Geneva and showed her a part of West Virginia she never knew existed on Memorial Day. I worked on Tuesday and then took the rest of the week off. I started off my vacation at the DMV to get my drivers license for the new state I live in and then decided to go hiking by myself. It finally hit me that I live in such a unique place, I live by the Appalachian Trail, C&O Canal and quite a lot of historical places within a short drive. So I hopped on Google and chose a place to explore. While walking by myself, a man approached me and said that I should be careful in the direction I was going because there were shady characters ahead. That made me sad a little because I am starting to embrace being by myself and hate to live in fear of walking anywhere. But that's life, so I turned around and found a different place to walk. I felt sooo good getting out! I can't wait to do it again so I made a goal to climb to the top of a cliff and posted a picture of it Facebook to see who wanted to go with me.  That evening I had dinner with my neice. We caught up on life and I feel so good that we reconnected and she took some time to actually get to know me. I think I surprised her a little =)  The next day me and Josh (more about him below) hiked to the top of that cliff! Friday, we went to the exhibit on The Buddha and the Natural History Museum in Washington, DC. Saturday I went to visit Josh in Virginia and returned home in the afternoon and started another painting and enjoyed being by myself as well. I'm on a mission to do what I want to, not what others want me to. I think I've really conquered my fear and any depressed feelings I have can be wiped clean in a healthy way!

I also did a few things that I maybe should not have.
I contacted Mike to meet. I wanted to find out what I did to deserve to be treated like he did. But I couldn't go through with the meeting. I found myself feeling very angry, agitated and anxious the day before we were supposed to meet. So I canceled. I emailed him instead and asked him why. He said it was because he was afraid of being hurt and he didn't trust me (because of his addiction) and then realized he'd lost the only person that really loved him. He said he still loves me and hoped we would work things out one day. I told him that we wouldn't get back together but hoped, once I can stop being angry, we can be friends.
I want to live life with out feeling angry, agitated and anxious. I want to also be able to forgive and live in peace. One of these days I'll be able to do that. I need to grow beyond that and I think contacting him to gain a better understanding and perspective will help in that process. Specially now that we are away from the whole situation and he's had therapy. I was also hoping it would help me better understand what happened with Bryan. But it didn't and that's ok.

I also spent a lot of time with Josh while on vacation. The Marine from over a year ago.. ok one of the Marines from a year ago. We started out as just hanging out and cuddling and ended up having sex... a few times. I laugh because I should have known that my delusion of a guy (or girl) friend spending the night in my bed wouldn't lead to sex. derrrrr. I know this is the kiss of death for any friendship and/or relationship. And he, like others, has waited for me to be single. (TAKE A NUMBER). Supported me through my break-ups. Had kind supportive words with me when I was down. I can tell you all the great things about him like he's kind, considerate, the only man that actually remembers multiple things about me...  or even cared to ask.. like what's my favorite flower? He has good friends, good family and a great job. He's divorced now and now he's 25! Still 10 years behind me but at least a little wiser.  He's not the cocky meat-head that I've been attracted to ..... and I like it! It's what attracted me to him before and it still does. He's got some very endearing quailities once he stops feeling awkward. All my friends say that he sounds like great boyfriend material. I was just looking to hang out with a friend and he's the one that responded to my invitations. I wasn't looking for a relationship and he knows that. So, we are just going to enjoy time together whenever we feel like it. I'm not commiting, it makes me sick to think about that. I'm keeping my heart in check and continuing on my road... I sound like a broken record ...... But I'm happy!

Worth Trying For

My post today was going to be about how I'm learning to live with myself and enjoy it. I do really like my precious alone time. I find myself craving it throughout the day at work. I like coming home and cleaning and doing chores. Always soooo much to do. The hardest part is sitting down to eat. I've never liked eating alone. But this place is the least lonely place on earth. Not because there are always people around. But because it feels good here.
But my post has turned to this...
After a lazy wake up time and a great day with Christian visiting from Arizona, I watched "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" and fell asleep late. Mike knocked on my door around 3 or 4 a.m. I was stunned but not surprised if that makes sense. I had a feeling in my tummy later in the evening that he was obsessing again. I made him come in out of the rain and sit down. I didn't want to wake my neighbors. I let him talk for 20 minutes while I sat in silence and listened. Then I took his dog-tags from my purse without a word and opened the door and told him to leave. Of course he didn't.. so I had to curse him out in harsh whispers and told him I never wanted to see him again and then he left saying he loved me as he walked out. Such a dramatic man. I feel better for it today.
I missed going to the Meditation Center this morning. I should have gone, and I shouldn't have used lack of sleep as an excuse. But I did. I'll find another way to find my balance for the week.

They run in formation!

Like a flock of birds, horses run in groups and twist and turn and frolic! That was my welcome home yesterday. I walked up to my apartment, that is built out of a barn, overlooking a hill were 5 or 6 horses running around playing. If I could have had a chance to stop and take a video I would have, but by the time I thought of it, they had settled.

I slept with the window open last night and woke up to the sound of pouring rain. It made me snuggle in bed so much closer and it felt wonderful!

I love my new little place. I just hope we can keep the bugs at bay! I'm battling stink bugs!

I feel really good today. There was a time I would blame my up and down moods on my Prozac intake. I can't do that anymore because I'm not on it anymore. I've been clean and sober since December. I feel that the Prozac did nothing for my depression and anxiety and suicidal thoughts and everything to my conscience and feelings. Meaning, it dimmed them and I was unable to make good decisions because of that.

I'm pushing Mike further and further away while he's trying so hard to get me back. I don't want him, I am so much happier without him! I'm certain he'll give up any time now. He must realize it's not going to work. After all that has happened I feel bad that he is hurting. It makes me realize that is something I need to fix about myself. I hurt the people that don't deserve it and care for the people that don't deserve it.

I will nurture my friendships and turn away from those that are toxic.