What is the meaning of life?

Well.. simply put.. to procreate and die. But it looks like I’ll be missing out on that calling since I don’t plan on making any babies. The following is a comment I left on Ur-Spo’s blog since he was also questioning the “Ordinariness of Life”.

“Wow, seems a lot of bloggers out here are thinking the same thing I have been. Several years ago, I couldn’t stand the thought of my very existence being defined by a long commute, working for the man, cleaning the litter box and picking up my husband’s dirty socks. No one told me that was what being grown up was all about! So I decided to jump outside the box and plowed into the dredges of living on the edge. That turned out to be a life changing half a decade that I’ll never get back.
Having recently returned to the 'normal' every day routine after that chaotic adventure... I'm back to the clock ticking on the wall and the daily palette of our so-called existence. I find that I love the normal hum-drum routine and I’m settling with the fact that I may just have to change the world one small good deed at a time. Besides... who else is going to dust that furniture that we so lovingly and thoughtfully bought and forgot about? “


His post and all of his commentators put into action the lingering question in my head. What are we doing here? Who put this big idea in our head that we…each one of us.. will make a difference. So we all set out running for that dream and most of us get stuck in the mire and then begin treading and become affixed with just that. Every once in a while we look to the shore and remember we were put here for a reason but don’t remember why. We struggle, but again settle back into treading to awaken again at a later time.


If Buddha were alive today, that’s what I would ask him. What are we doing here? What can I do to make myself feel, every day, that I’m accomplished and complete? Or is it.. is it normal to feel this way? I know his answers. He felt the same way. That’s why he left his perfect palace life to struggle, starve and suffer to find the happiness he was lacking inside. It’s all in there, we just need to nurture it every day. Our lot in life is to Act, think, breathe, eat and focus on good and nurturing things. That single minded focus along with everyone else’s single minded focus can change the energy of the world. But I think that we must begin with ourselves and our (your) children.

Someone asked me if I ever missed and ever thought about going back to dancing. I would never go back. I know what comes from that place. It makes it impossible to live a good life when you’re living a lie. I enjoy so much being a complete person not having to split my morals, my life and my focus in two. Life is hard enough let alone going down that dark and dreaded trail. Do I miss the money? Yes, undeniably yes! I miss my car, my fast baby that was always breaking parts because of the massive torque. I hate living on a budget. I didn’t spend all the money I made on myself so it’s not like I lived in luxury. The car was the only thing I splurged for myself. Shit, I mostly spent it on deadbeats that never paid me back or appreciated my efforts to help them out. It’s funny how many more friends I had when I had the dough to bail them out of their problems. I must’ve spent $30,000 on helping others in one year. Ex boyfriends, Ex-friends and Ex room-mates… So maybe I don’t miss the money either. And maybe… that’s karma. Look at how I got that money? Look at where it went to. That being said, I’m glad I am where I am right now. I’m clean, focused and can take care of myself. And I sure don’t miss those hangovers!

Astronomical reflection

Today, I’m not sure if you would recognize me.

Physically I’m the same (less bruises and calluses). But I’ve shed the stripper completely. Candy is dead. Buried on June 14 in the bottom of a carry-on suitcase in the dressing room of a strip club.. of course.. drunk on Patron. That marked her last night and good bye celebration.

The only thing I've missed is the feeling of being on stage. Not the attention, because I don't need that now, but the physical exersion. And I can supplement that by going to the gym. Everything else from that stinking hole makes me feel sick when I think about it. I don't want to go back, not even to visit.

I was ready to be rid of her. My evil alter ego that should never have been set loose. Or.. maybe she set me free. Because now, I feel more in charge of my life than I ever have. Sure, I wobble sometimes like a newborn foal but it’s empowering none the less. Because now I know, that no matter what.. the next day the sun will rise and I have the ability to overcome... ANYTHING. I am no longer writhing in depression. Each day I can smile and make it a better one no matter what. Doesn’t mean I don’t battle depression everyday, however.. It is nowhere near as bad as it was 11 months ago.

I’m still transitioning. Still shedding what’s left of the ashes and dirty putrid feathers but most of that has been cast aside. Just a few more dirty bags of clothes and boxes of stuff to be retrieved and unpacked from the X-Husbands house and I believe the physical transition will be complete.

The Divorce was finalized on August 14. No contest, no fights, no resistance. He didn’t even show up like he said he would. But that’s just lighting the candle on the cake. Typical and expected. But now, I don’t have to worry about that anymore!

I’m learning how to live. I’ve learned a lot about people and the world in the last 10 months than I have in the last 10 years. It’s not all good, nooo not at all. I’ve learned that whenever the benefit of the doubt is given.. it’ll most likely be abused. But in those instances that it is given and returned with good things, it’s totally worth all the previous ruthlessness.

I’ve learned that in order to make anything work it’s going to take time and communication and understanding. Things aren’t like they were when I was a teenager, life isn’t set out to give me roses all the time. At this age, people are hardened and cynical and I need to put my best foot forward and make myself a better person all the time. Every day, I want to try my best to be that person worth trying for. I have to say that again. I WANT TO BE THE PERSON WORTH TRYING FOR. I'm discovering something about myself that I don't like. I have noooo relationship skills. I have been a self centered egotistical bitch for years and that isn't who I want to be. I am used to having to make things my way or they don't get done. I’ve realized that if I want the man of my dreams.. (Driven, focused, strong, successful, fun loving, great with family and friends. Makes me laugh, sexy, imaginative, artistic, doesn’t take no for an answer and isn’t afraid to try. Above all things; capable of loving and being loved and completely faithful) I need to let the egotistical bitch go or I won’t be able to keep the man I want. The egotistical bitch was good for the doormat.. not for the leader I crave. So letting this part go is actually bringing more peace into my life. It was hard, and is still hard to do, but with the man I’m with now (the man described above), the results are fantastic!! I’ve discovered this all through a book that I love and hate all at the same time. www.loveisinthestars.com I don’t want to believe the astrological part, it’s depressing. However, the author's little bit of relationship advice brought on a whole new perspective in my relationship and now I feel we are actually going somewhere! I just had to let my bitch go!! … Because no man worth working for will put up with a bitch like that.

I’ve learned that if I set something to my mind to make a change for the better to follow it whole heartedly and with blind fate. Because when I do.. the door will open and the life I want is there waiting for you. Just do it. Set the date. Set what you want in fine detail in your mind or on paper. Dammit.. it works. I’ve witnessed it first hand and it’s scary. I’ve made up my mind, taken the leap and landed.. like I told Mikey. Maybe not gracefully, but landed none-the less.

I’ve learned to listen to my intuition and I’m trying to figure the difference between that and another daemon inside. Not sure what that is yet. But when she told me to run from Mikey cause it was so hard and another voice said stay and work at it, I chose to work at it.. not because it was easier either.

Mikey is my Angel. He was sent to me at the right place and the right time. The timing could NOT have been any better. I know as long as I’m good to him, love him with my whole heart and give him my absolute best he’ll be good to me. Because he is very intuitive and can see inside me. Now, what he was talking about a few weeks ago.. I have not a clue. He said that something did happen or will happen but he had a really bad feeling. Maybe it’s already happened and we’ve gone through it. We have been getting to know each other through a brick wall we’ve both set up. We have just recently talked about bringing it down and communicating more. I think it’s just natural for people like us to have that wall. I didn’t say it was good for us, but it’s what happens when we’ve been used and abused in past relationships. It’s not as easy as it was when we were teenagers with the ability to rush into each other with wild eyed naïve wonder. But it’s earned and more meaningful now.

That's all the gushing I'm going to do today. =)

Not the MySpace!

For god's sake, the only way I made it through a full day of this tiny little prison cell was because of MySpace. Paallheeeessseee give it back! Pleeaaaaase! I neeeeed it! Anything but the MySpace! ok.. not anything... I like my hotmail and my blogger too. Leave those also... thanks.

Last week I worked 72 hours. I can't count high enough to include yesterday and today. So I just give up and say I worked 72 hours last week. Officially Monday starts a new week so therefore I should be refreshed. Naturally... I'm not. I'll be taking this Thursday off and only working at the club on Friday so's I can take a lil trip to Richmond. I'm pretty damn excited about that!

Even though the economy is bad according to the government.. you can't tell by the strip club spending. People are spending a good amount of money there. Keep up the good work rich people. Give money back to the working class!

Manefesting 5 o'clock

I had to work at the club last night because the Girls Gone Wild film crew was there.
It was declared mandatory that we all work so the dressing room was packed full of girls. I had originally planned a quiet evening of napping in the back with a soft pillow and blanky and occasionally going out to get a shot but it was so crowded I couldn't find a napping place. The club was full by 9 p.m. and we were on full rotation by 9:30. That would have been a good thing but no one was coming to the stage to tip even though people were standing because there was no place to sit.
I can't remember the last time I felt so nervous. I can usually concentrate on dancing and focus on the person I'm dancing for. But when I'm up there completely naked and nothing to do but dance for myself I felt very self conscious.
The place became so crowded it reminded me of standing in front of a stage in a concert. Most of the girls were on the verge of panic attacks because of this. We get very nervous in crowds like that because we like to maintain our personal space and it was impossible to do so. A few of them just resolved to stay in the dressing room and just work the stage when it was their turn.
I was one of three dancers who was chosen to work a set in the sky cage. So I had to work my way through the crush of people to get there and that was a nightmare. It's impossible to describe the vulnerability I felt wearing virtually nothing and walking on stilts through a sea of overheated men that will do anything to cop a feel.
I was trying very hard to avoid the camera crew but was placed in full view of them while in the sky cage. Even tho the strobe light was blurring my eyesight I knew when the cameras were on me because they both had huge high powered lights that were very hot. I could feel them from 20 feet away. I did my best to ignore the cameras and dance my best knowing that they couldn't put me on DVD if I didn't sign a release form. While I was up there someone from my office came up to me and tried to tip me. I had spotted him earlier while I was on the stage so I knew to look out for him. My back was to him and I saw him approaching out of the corner of my eye with a few dollars in his hand. I turned slightly and gave him the -no-no don't do that- wag of my finger and he looked at me in terror and disappeared for the rest of the night. Finally my shift in the sky cage was over and I had to push people out of the way with my feet to get out. I found someone who was moving through the crowd quickly and placed my hand on his shoulder and we glided through easily. I left him with a thank you and retreated to the dressing room to cool off in time to hit the main stage again.
By this time there were a few people at the main stage tipping. I knew my stage partners (who are acrobats) would draw in more tippers so our set would be very charged and people would go crazy. And they did. We did our normal crowded evening routine where Jynx goes out first and climbs all the way up the pole and I follow her. As soon as she is up high enough I walk under her and head straight for the front part of the stage. I have to make this look like it's perfectly timed so there's no faltering, looking up or stalling. You've witnessed how our energetic music gets the crowd and the mood to a higher level and that was perfectly timed with the GGW team taping the female customers and waitresses showing their goodies and making out for the camera. The people were literally packed in so tightly the crowd was surging. Our stage was packed with paying customers and the place went crazy. After our set was over the crowd calmed down, the GGW team took some specific girls to their tour bus and eventually the crowd dispersed. By 2:30 we were all exhausted and edgy and we couldn't wait to leave. So now I sit here bruised and exhausted waiting for 5 o'clock to come around so I can go home and pass out. mmm... sleep. I wonder if I left my computer and my light on if anyone would notice that I left early?

Hoping I end up on a DVD so I can sue my club and Girls Gone Wild. =)

paragraphical behavior

There was a time when the majority of my day was taken up by writing in my blog. I would take about an hour to write a few paragraphs or pages about happenings, thoughts and random things going through my head.

But recently my day has been bombarded not with Administrative Duties but with my modeling business. It has really taken off. I’ve formed an LLC through an online business helping firm where I paid too much and got little information out of it. Yes, I have all my documentation… but now what??? So, I’ve got an appointment with a lawyer to discuss the specific business structure, taxes, insurance and all the fun stuff that I don’t know about. (wish I’d taken those business classes now)

Hubby and I are doing fine. We’ve been going strong for the past few months and only recently has he been slacking off.

My depression has been under control for a long time now. Taking the time off from writing may have actually helped me get passed it by not reveling in it every day. Writing turned into more of a bitch blog than a documentation of my life.

We recently took a little vacation to the beach with a good friend Scott. We partied far too much and had such a great time my cheeks and stomach hurt from laughing so hard.

I’m making plans to quit the club. I’m just about ready… just need to make my modeling business hold it’s own. So close!

Well… I’m back and writing is fun again.

Which came first

Was she suspected of doing heroin when she was fired but was clean and that drove her back to the drug or was it the other way around? Was she actually using? Remember this? http://thedualexistence.blogspot.com/2007/11/fabulous-life-of-stripper.html
Well Jim found out in the news paper that she was indicted for selling Heroin in January. What a mess. I feel bad for her. I know I can't save her. She's a victim of herself.
I had to suspend her from the team. It's a shame. She's so great when she's not using.
*****************
I'm doing good, today is my birthday. Yay me.
Life and love is good. I can't complain about much.
My Kitty surprised me at work two Friday's ago! She got her job back! I feel so much better with her there. We're keeping each other motivated!
The weather is getting warmer, the trees are budding and the rain is falling. I love this time of year. It's cleansing.
My job at the club is secure for now. It will be until all the girls get back from their surgeries. I think about 5 girls are taking time off for boob jobs. There is a lot of boob envy going on right now.
I have been taking Jynx home for the past few weeks after work. Her boyfriend works later than she does so she doesn't want to wait for him. It's fun.

Well back to work... I'm happy today

pondering

I wonder what I would be doing if I hadn’t started stripping three years ago.
I know that I would be swimming in debt.
The likelihood that I would have the ability to startup my modeling business with be minimal.
I would never know that there are females out there that I would get along with.
I would probably still be in contact with my sister. Not that I would want to after what she did after my father died.
I don’t know what kind of mental condition I would be in. Dancing has been a good escape for me. Although I’m sure I would have buried myself in other ways and been more productive around the house.
I just wonder where I would be if I hadn’t started dancing.

I haven't updated in a while because I wasn't exactly sure where I was... mentally speaking.

It's been a slightly scattered week. Nothing of great note to speak of aside from calling in sick the last two days because this sinus issue finally got the better of me. I've been coughing and congested for the past three weeks and finally Sunday I had a fever and my throat started hurting a lot. The Dr. decided I had a sinus infection and sent me on my way with a prescription for antibiotics and here I am at my desk two days later...still coughing and congested but my throat doesn't hurt any more.

I am better mentally, I've been consistent with my meds (except for this past dose) and I think that being consistent cancels out that zombie feeling I've been living with. I have not been very motivated to do much else but work even though I really do have a lot to get done, like put away my clean laundry and wash my dance outfits. I've been doing just enough to eek by but not enough to actually progress. I hope that once I get over this sinus infection I will actually have the motivation to clean and make some progress at home.

Last night I helped hubby with the taxes. This was his first time doing them and he was apprehensive about the whole thing. I really wanted him to do them so he could actually know what was going on. I would love for him to start taking care of those things. I trust him more than I trust myself with things like that. I know he's very smart, I want him to start using all that knowledge to benefit him instead of using it to rattle off useless facts at parties.

Coming up on my 33rd birthday is like seeing a Unicorn... I just don't believe it. How in the hell did this happen? I did want to say that I feel like I'm just now learning to have fun but that's not true. I've been having fun all along and doing a lot of things that I want to do. Today I feel like there is nothing I can't do so long as I put my mind to it. I just have to remember that some things I actually have to wait to get and some things probably won't be so great once I get to them.

I still have my job at the club. After I asked what was going to happen he said that the meeting he was supposed to have got put off and that he'll see me on Friday. So I worked this past weekend without any problems and here I am on Wednesday anxiously waiting on the text that will tell me if I still have a job or not. I wonder if I just leave it alone if this will blow over or if I keep bothering him he will be forced to make a decision. I choose to leave it alone.

Hubby and I are getting along very well. It's so good to have him fully alert and capable of having a conversation at any given moment. I think our communication has been a lot better and I really like that. He told me yesterday that he already ordered my birthday presents. What a huge difference from Christmas to now. I have really been cherishing our time together and I hope he likes it too.

Just to note: I had hubby come to the club at closing time on Saturday to pick up his two drunk friends. I was under the understanding that I was going to take 1 home but turned out that he had a friend that needed a ride also. I decided I couldn't handle two drunk guys so I called hubby for back-up. When all was said and done, his friend ended up in jail for drunk in public after he jumped the fence in our back yard. We have decided that if we were ever going to help this guy out again it was going to include duct tape. Specially since the last time we helped him he was so drunk that he told me he was just going to step outside to smoke then got in his car and totalled it trying to drive home. Lesson here... You can't even take the guys keys away! He's going to bolt!

venetian slip

I haven’t updated in a while, doesn’t mean I’m doing any worse just haven’t felt like it. Life is getting back to it’s normal routine. I’m working a lot and wishing for more time. I have my ups and downs and they vary a lot.
I worked on Thursday night at the club because I got a text message from Casey saying that Brett Michaels from Poison was going to be there. Well… as usual… the celebrity didn’t show. I am still glad I worked though because I made a lot of money until I decided to fall asleep in the dressing room. Even more glad because Friday night was very slow and very disappointing to say the least. I don’t know why but the whole crowd just sucked! Saturday was really great! Every once in a while I have a night in which everyone loves me… that was Saturday! I even had people clapping for me while I was in the sky cage. No idea why, but hell it was a nice ego boost.
I didn’t do anything yesterday except lay on the couch and eat. It was so good just to sit and do nothing. I think I want to do that more often!
Tonight I have to go to a photo-shoot after work. I hope it doesn’t last a long time.That’s about all the updating I have. Today I feel emotionally stable, tomorrow I may not. One day at a time I suppose.

Prozac is god.

Last week was a blur so that's good. Means I'm getting back to normal. I think I only had one off day. I'm sure my dearest hubby loves that! He's being absolutely wonderful... even going to the track with me. So cool. We've shared a lot of laughs the last few weeks, it feels so good.

Things to remember:

I broke a record on the last Friday in February.... I came home with $2,000. Yay, Hundred Dollar Bill guy and guilt trips!

My friend Scott is dealing with relationship issues...meaning he manages to cling to the wrong girls. Why the hell do guys make up their minds to settle and cling to the first thing they find? God that's irritating to me. Anyway, hubby and I both have been giving him relationship advice. I'm sure he's sick of it. I'm kinda sick of it too. He needs to get out of the circle of friends he has so I want to give him opportunities to get out of his normal element. Hopefully lots of time at the track will open up new friendships and relationship opportunities. And it's cool to have a friend who likes to go to the track as much as I do. The last two times I've taken him he just gets lost and meets new people and I find him later talking to random folks. It's good stuff. He's kinda like my lost little brother. Hubby and I both think he's cool and I really like that hubby likes him.

My god I hate it when I don't write for awhile, I know there are things I'm missing.

Oh yeah! I had jury duty last Monday! They made 28 of us sit in this room for a few hours. No one told us anything, so we just sat there. Then the judge called us all out and told us that they wouldn't need us because the defendant plead guilty. So I was released at 10:30 and still had to go to work! SUCKED!!

My modeling business is making great progress. I keep adding dates to my calendar and girls to my roster.

I paid off my car last week!! I'm so excited! But Scott's STI has been haunting me ever since. It's the devil car.

That's it for now. I'm pooped cause of the time change and not being able to rest yesterday. I just want to go home and sleep.
xoxo

buuurp

well um... this weekend was a disaster. I think someone put something in my drink... or champagne and tequila don't mix.. either way... I ended up in my god-damned suitcase again. I fuckin hate myself for getting into that situation. That was on top of a strange text I got from a guy that I don't even know. It was from a dude that I turned in to the manager for trying to sell me pills. He was angry at me and I made sure to tell him he can take it up with Casey if he had a problem. The conversation ended with him telling me to be careful. I hate it when junkie gangsters try to tell me to be careful. That isn't a warm wish ya know? Well I kinda freaked out about that so I had hubby drive me to work and back. Good thing...since I was drugged. I wonder if the bouncer who ratted me out to that "jungster" had anything to do with it? I noticed he was extra sketchy on Saturday night when I told one of the other bouncers what had happened to me. Dude got up and walked away from his post while I explained that I didn't drink that much and I thought I had been drugged. I also saw him eyeing where I put my drink on Saturday too. When I saw that he was watching me, I didn't drink from that one anymore. I was too sick to my stomach and sick of myself to drink alcohol on Saturday anyway. I can't believe I've let myself get so out of control. I'm such a control freak. I think it's cause I feel safe there. How weird is that?
Well, I'm back on the prozac full time and all my emotions and thoughts are muted. Yeah, I'm working a lot but it doesn't really bother me. Yeah I wish I didn't have to but it doesn't piss me off. Yes. I'd much rather have my man take care of me so I could pursue my modeling business, but there's not much I can do about that. He's not motivated to move up so I'll be clawing my way to my goals as usual. Not like it's a new thing anyway.
I have been feeling a lot better about myself. He really figured it out that I want him to think I'm beautiful and tell me so. I love that look in his eyes when he gives me compliments. It's a very big turn around for him and I like it.
So I've gone from depressed and crying all the time to good and tired all the time. I'm sure it'll get better, it has to.
Yay me.

over and over

Well, I’m feeling better and better each day. He’s really stepping up and making an effort to make me feel good about myself. I really like that. And I’m happy to say he put a lot of effort into V-day. What a relief! It was so nice; it makes me want to cry.

I love looking into those bright blue eyes and seeing life. What a big difference. I love him so much. I hope this was just a bad spot and not a cycle.

Events that have happened in the last week.

Hubby went out with a friend who just got back from Iraq on Wednesday night. He took Thursday off so he could make sure our Valentine’s day was perfect.

I had a model quit on me this week. Apparently for personal reasons, but I kinda think it was because of my drug policy in my handbook.

One of my guy friends is really having girl trouble. Of course if he wouldn’t fall for the most unavailable girl it would be helpful! But it’s fun talking to him anyway. And it’s cool that my hubby likes him.

As usual I’m looking forward to this weekend, I hope it’s lucrative!

Can’t think of much else to say but things feel better today.

gutter key

Today I am tired and sore and surprisingly happy. Yes, it’s me. But I feel better. It’s amazing how words and emotional contact can make me feel better. I’ve always said it’s actions not words that make the difference, but maybe I’m changing. It’s funny how I hear compliments a lot from random people but the compliments I get from the person that matters the most is the most important. God, I can’t express the difference it has made in the last few days.

In a way I feel like it’s premature to say these things but he really did try to make me feel good about myself this weekend and it made a big difference. I know he can’t change his opinion of me so fast that he suddenly likes the things he’s been trying to get me to change for years. But at least I feel like it’s not that bad. Like when he looks at my body and tells me the things he would like to see instead of the things he already likes. Or when I wear something I think he would like only to find out it’s not even close. That has always given me such a complex and I think that hearing all those compliments from random strangers and none from the one I love finally broke me down.

Is this they key to my happiness? No. But my god, it reminds me of how much I love him when we talk. And it gives me new hope that things will work out. I just hope this feeling isn’t premature. Because if the things he said and did this weekend were just a random act and he goes back to the same old thing, I’m sure I’ll drop down into madness again. Well… If I feel this positive on a Monday after I worked three nights at the club then maybe things will be ok after-all.

As for this weekend at the club… it was very good and very lucrative. Maybe it’s tax return time, maybe it’s my new hair color or maybe it’s my new confidence in myself but I’m making money again and I like that! I made enough money this weekend that I now can pay off my car. That is a sweet feeling! That is one step closer to my goal. I’m so excited about that!
V-day is this week. I’m riding high on the past few days. I don’t even want to think about this disgusting bullshit holiday that means so much to me.

stacks of ashes

unbelievably, the Prozac isn't helping. I am still unhappy.

My first weekend back was good. I was happy to see all my friends.... ok at least I was happy to see Poison.

Jynx, who's hair is now the color of mine, has decided to desert her normal stage partners and dance with her old friends from back home.

Although Friday night was slow I was able to actually talk to people again. At least the time off was beneficial for social reasons.

Saturday night was much busier, but starting the night crying because I'm so miserable really doesn't help. I had started the day off with my husband telling me a I need to wear darker makeup doesn't make for a good day. I sent him a picture of myself because he wanted to see what I looked like with all of my makeup on in my new hair color. And I wanted to send him a picture of myself. Instead of telling me I looked good, He started with the critisism....before I event got out of bed.... and then back-peddled once he realized he'd hurt my feelings. After I let that go the day went on fine. As I laid down for a nap, Husband told me he was going to wake me up for a little fun time in the sack before I had to leave. Unfortunately he forgot. Luckily I set my alarm and woke up, took a shower and about 10 minutes before I had to leave he came in from the garage filthy and red eyed. He told me he was very sorry and that we're both guilty of messing up every once in a while. Honestly, I can't remember the last time I disappointed him by not doing something I told him I was going to do because I was preoccupied and FORGOT.

Anyway, about Saturday night. I've never had so many people scatter from the stage when I walked on! It was like cocroaches in flood lights. God damn I must be fucking hideous.

Poison's boyfriend built a new computer for me. I hope it's really fast. I can't wait to use it. But tonight I have an interview with another potential model and then I have to go home and clean. So I won't be able to get to it until Tuesday. I bought a router and KVM switch so I don't have to buy duplicate hardware. I hope it all works out. I really don't want to spend a lot of frustrating time fidgiting with this nonsense.

Another thing... Valentine's Day is coming up. Let's just hope against hope the same thing doesn't happen like last year.

Prozac Abyss

I'm back on the magic carpet. Feeling fine and wondering why I was so down.
Well not quite. I know why I was down and I told him all about it. He's making efforts to try harder and that really is making a big difference.
I dyed my hair last night a perty shimmering red. I like it. It's shocking.

I'm going back to work tonight and I'm looking forward to seeing my girls. I am not looking forward to the hectic schedule, the exhaustion and the bruises. But Whatever... I'm almost home.

Anyway, yay me.
Candy

The Nice

Ok time for another entry.
I took my Prozac on Monday and I’m feebly getting back on my feet. If I could have one wish granted right now it would to be manic all the time. What a great high that is. Ehhh or not.

I’m torn and scattered right now. I hope this time off from the club will help with that. But I don’t see how. I feel anxious about the time off. Hopefully that will change. I’ve got lots to do at home. Cleaning and cleaning and more cleaning. It’s so cluttered and dirty, I just want to throw everything out…. And I just may. Or I could just sell it all on Ebay. If there are buyers who want used stripper shoes.

New Year’s Eve was un-eventful. Hubby was aloud to come into the club just like last year. But this year he and Jim came in around 10 and hung out all night long. I was able to drink a bit more than usual since I had a ride home so the night is kinda blurry. I hope that in one of those blank spots he told me that I looked incredible because I really needed to hear that from him… But somehow I doubt he said it. Because of all the people that see me it is his opinion that matters most… and he is the most critical. Pointing out the flaws without telling me the good things.
Christmas was uneventful too. We decided to stay home except going out and finding a restaurant for dinner. We ended up eating at a Chinese restaurant. Jim went to his family’s house in West Virginia. Hubby and I exchanged gifts on Christmas Eve. He gave me a diamond and emerald necklace and I gave him an Ipod. His gift to me would have been really cool if he hadn’t called me the day before asking if I got him anything, cause he didn’t want to get a gift without having one to give back. So the meaning just wasn’t there and he knows I don’t like lab created emeralds. Anyhow, I had told him a few times that I wanted a vacation for Christmas. Didn’t care where, just a little him and me time away for a weekend would be really nice. After Christmas he started asking me where to go and then worrying about the cost and the distance and the time. I told him to just forget it. It seemed like such a big hassle for him, I just didn’t want to hear it anymore.
I hope my disappointment in him is just a side effect of the depression. I just feel his efforts are half assed and I wonder if he’s just going through the motions because he has to. Having these thoughts hurts like hell. Reminds me of the past few years. Fuck.

Avoidence

My implosion was inevitable and expected this time of year.

That said I’ve been avoiding addressing this subject on here just because it is an admission of a problem.

And THAT being said, I shouldn’t be worried about addressing the following subject on here because hardly anyone reads this. Those who do read it either know me and accept me for who I really am or only know of me through these entries.

Yet another Friday of drinking too heavily and forgetting hours at a time has occurred. I do remember passing out in the back in my carry-on bag, as is my custom. I remember missing a set on stage and asking one of the girls to cover for me. I don’t remember (even today) that a few of my friends came in to see me. I only know they did because one of them emailed me asking why I disappeared. I don’t remember some things I did that one of the dancers (Tasha) told me about the next day. Like loosing my panties… that were on my head. It was a joke I’m sure because she was still laughing about it on Saturday and that is totally something I would do.

The problem is this… I am a menace to myself. My alter ego is really taking over. She is becoming her own person and the only way she can get out is through the alcohol. Candy is REAL. I set a four-drink minimum and I count those drinks by bracelets. I take a drink, I move one bracelet from my left arm to my right. I did this last Saturday and it really worked well. I did not do it this Friday, I meant to, but I decided <"insert ridiculous reason here:">not to count the first drink... then I forgot to move the bracelet with the third…. and fourth and then a customer came in wanting to drink Patron shots with me and by then I was putty in Candy’s hands. I drove home… and I shouldn’t have.

Saturday, I asked the girls who I am closest to for help. I asked them that if they notice I have reached my limit to maybe suggest that I not drink anymore. Oh!!! but it seems that Candy is bull headed when it comes to those trying to tell her what to do. And they told me straight up that they really find me entertaining when I drink a lot and that I don’t bother them that much. I told them that they were using me and that they are mutinous! I don’t like loosing time and forgetting what happened. I don’t like driving home intoxicated. I don’t like letting my friends down and missing sets. It’s not like me to do ANY of these things. I am too much of a control freak.

I am counting on my time off to help me get back to me. Perhaps Candy will shrink back and deflate to manageable. I like Candy, she’s fun, she makes my life interesting, I don’t like it when she takes over and the real me doesn’t remember anything.

You know what really tips me off that I have a problem? I have two more weekends of working at the club and I can’t even FATHOM not drinking while I’m there! That is a problem.

Ps. I’ve already received two bottles of tequila for Christmas.

FUCK IT>

I spent last night balled up on the couch crying. I had a sudden wave of dismal depression. I realized I didn’t give a crap about anything. All that I have been fighting for…. I don’t care about. I couldn’t care less if I just stopped trying. The only reason why I don’t just kill myself is because I know that I would leave my husband who loves me so dearly and it would kill him.

I’m frustrated with the Modeling company. It’s a far reaching dream that I’m not even sure is going to come to fruition. I’ve only got that far flung hope that resembles a star in the sky. I don’t even know if I’m really going to like it once I’m there! The goal of a hundred thousand dollar per year income with a modeling business that I just have to oversee and runs itself seems like it’s not even possible. Tired of working. Tired of breathing. Tired of living.

I couldn’t care less about this job. No really. Great changes are happening. They shifted my manager to one that makes sense so the bitch that I once reported to is no longer my manager. This should open up lots of potential. Meaning that the stuff I do every day may actually count for something. And the reviews I get every year will actually be legitimate. And do I dare to care? Should I dust off that old (Care) button that I once used? No. I’ll keep that (Fuck it) button near by. Why should I put forth effort? So they can give me more work, more responsibility, more hours. Hell no.

I still like dancing on the weekends. I’m just too tired to actually give it all my effort anymore. If it wasn’t for my friends it wouldn’t be enjoyable at all. That’s why I’m taking time off. I’m loosing focus and it’s making me exhausted.

Hubby is in need of more attention and is getting perturbed if I text message my friends too much. But I’ll be damned if I am sitting next to him on the couch he’s not paying attention to me anyway. May as well talk to my friends while I’m sitting there with him.

This will be the third week I have cancelled on Kitty. I’m just so damn tired and depressed I’m having a hard time leaving the house. I hope she doesn’t get mad at me. Specially since I can’t just quit life, I need her.

Tired of working. Tired of breathing. Tired of living. I’m sure this is temporary. My Prozac can only do so much when I’m working on this schedule.

Flirting with Disaster

a million thoughts run through my mind.. fleeting.. dragging.. fragmented.

~Scheduling girls for photo shoots and drift events.... At least trying to. One thing about working with these girls... THEY AREN'T SO BRIGHT! Please excuse me if I compare them to bricks. Good lord... Hi! Hello there! free money! Hey over here! There has to be an easier way.

~ Spending quality time with hubby instead of sleeping. He's going through hell right now at work. Christmas isn't a joyus time for him at all. He's in charge of Christmas hams and he's working really hard to get them to the stores on time. He's very stressed and about to loose his mind.

~ Trying to stay focused at the club so I can make the most of my time before I take January off.

~ Looking forward to the few days I'm taking off next week from my real job. Trying to juggle what days I'll devote to the club and what days I'll take to myself and making sure I pay enough attention to hubby too. It's so hard when I've been so exhausted. I'm barely able to keep myself healthy and running and now he needs me too. I'm really looking forward to the days off ahead. I hope to catch up on some rest and catch up on some house work.

~ One for the Universe.... I am a successful happy woman with all the time I need to enjoy the things I love. I'm happy for a great running car, wonderful cuddly animals and great friends who are willing to help me along the way. thanks so much!

I'm thinking

bout vacations.... long...long vacations. I really need a vacation. I don't want to go anywhere. I'd be happy sitting on the couch watching netflix. Just to stop the madness for a few days would be so great! Oh and maybe a few days to clean the house. God! Boys suck at cleaning houses!
Well, good news.. I didn't drink too much this weekend. I was a good girl. Yay me!
I'm sore, tired and grouchy. Monday's suck.