The Nice

Ok time for another entry.
I took my Prozac on Monday and I’m feebly getting back on my feet. If I could have one wish granted right now it would to be manic all the time. What a great high that is. Ehhh or not.

I’m torn and scattered right now. I hope this time off from the club will help with that. But I don’t see how. I feel anxious about the time off. Hopefully that will change. I’ve got lots to do at home. Cleaning and cleaning and more cleaning. It’s so cluttered and dirty, I just want to throw everything out…. And I just may. Or I could just sell it all on Ebay. If there are buyers who want used stripper shoes.

New Year’s Eve was un-eventful. Hubby was aloud to come into the club just like last year. But this year he and Jim came in around 10 and hung out all night long. I was able to drink a bit more than usual since I had a ride home so the night is kinda blurry. I hope that in one of those blank spots he told me that I looked incredible because I really needed to hear that from him… But somehow I doubt he said it. Because of all the people that see me it is his opinion that matters most… and he is the most critical. Pointing out the flaws without telling me the good things.
Christmas was uneventful too. We decided to stay home except going out and finding a restaurant for dinner. We ended up eating at a Chinese restaurant. Jim went to his family’s house in West Virginia. Hubby and I exchanged gifts on Christmas Eve. He gave me a diamond and emerald necklace and I gave him an Ipod. His gift to me would have been really cool if he hadn’t called me the day before asking if I got him anything, cause he didn’t want to get a gift without having one to give back. So the meaning just wasn’t there and he knows I don’t like lab created emeralds. Anyhow, I had told him a few times that I wanted a vacation for Christmas. Didn’t care where, just a little him and me time away for a weekend would be really nice. After Christmas he started asking me where to go and then worrying about the cost and the distance and the time. I told him to just forget it. It seemed like such a big hassle for him, I just didn’t want to hear it anymore.
I hope my disappointment in him is just a side effect of the depression. I just feel his efforts are half assed and I wonder if he’s just going through the motions because he has to. Having these thoughts hurts like hell. Reminds me of the past few years. Fuck.