Intrasepection

Today is great, I am working on a new way of thinking and it seems to be helping. It's just an evolution of what I have already been practicing and I can't believe I didn't see it before.  I find it funny how so many things came together at once as you'll see below.
I have always struggled with letting things go. Resentment from the past has always blocked me from fully being present and happy in the moment. Sure I've had those great highs of clarity, but only to come back to reality wondering if the people or circumstances were going to change and hurt me again. It's become a problem since about a week before Josh was to leave. Because the high of our whirlwind summer romance was coming to an end I started to come back to reality. The darkness was overtaking my brain and I was feeling like something bad was going to happen at any second. I think I wrote about struggling and trying to stay focused. Seriously, even on my way back from Dallas I had dreadful feelings.  I landed at Memphis for a layover and there was a voicemail on my phone. I seriously thought it was going to be Josh breaking up with me. I can't trust my gut feelings because it's ALWAYS telling me something is wrong. So I turned to my the Bob Grant book "Women Men Adore" not because I wanted to attract my Josh, but because it is a great guide to being a healthy minded happy female which I wasn't ever taught to be. I read something that I've read at least 4 times and it finally clicked and I decided to give it a try. He explains that you have to let go of resentment from the past. Whether it is from the person you're with or from childhood, past relationships or circumstances. I didn't know how to let go so I just blocked the rest of what he said from my brain. He says letting go of resentment is the willingness to forgive. And part of forgiveness is greiving among 4 other parts that he listed. Grieving is the ADMISSION that you'll never get that moment back that someone took from us. Once I figured out that I just needed to identify each memory that causes me pain, and give it away (mentally see it go away) to the Universe or God or Jesus.
http://www.relationshipheadquarters.com/


Now if you're still with me I need to share what made this finally make sense. I started a book on Mindful Meditation. It's a kind of meditation that allows you to meditate on one certain thought or feeling withoug allowing the feeling to erupt. Versus the kind of meditation that forces your mind to stay silent and peiceful, which I still find useful. Anyway, Say you always feel anxiety when you take your child to the bus stop. You capture that feeling of anxiety and take a good hard clinical look at it... why do you feel anxiety? You could possibly trace that feeling back to a childhood experience at a bus stop that you've always tried to surpress and never actually addressed. So now that I've exercised this form of Meditation and noticed that it actually works. (I did it with my hotel room anxiety, but not my airport anxiety) Grab that bad feeling memory, look at it, say it hurt me because... and then give it away to the Universe, God or Jesus. If it comes back again (which I haven't had that happen yet) then do it again, till it's all gone. Kinda like sweeping crumbs into a dust pan.... it takes more than one sweep but evenutally each crumb as a part of the whole experience or memory gets swept away.

Why do I keep mentioning Jesus, since I've always questioned his existence before? Because I was praying the other night while I couldn't sleep. I was feeling terrible anxiety and I was scared that my bad feelings were my intuition telling me my whole world was going to crumble. And I remembered Josh's Mom saying you just have to let Jesus into your life. Ok, what the heck.... So I just imagine Jesus hanging with me all day and if I get a bad memory or feeling I just hand it over to him. Easy and Done!

So now that I'm not internalizing all my feelings like I have been by meditating and trying to quiet my mind. If a feeling comes up while I try to quiet my mind I address it, analyze it and move on.

I'm trying to keep my "inner child" or soul from trying to escape my body when it feels a bad feeling by taking that memory or feeling and letting it go.

I think that's part of my anxiety.. our soul or inner child trying to escape our bodies, bad feelings and memories. It causes so much stress and confusion on our mind. If we sit quietly and make it calm, then take whatever bad feeling and give it away... maybe it'll work?

How to feel happier by the end of the day

I've been so busy enjoying the sunshine and all the fun me and Josh have been having that I haven't posted... but I promise I will! I'll have lots of time to post very soon. But right now.. I just wanted to post this article I found on Yahoo....

How to feel Happier by the end of the day.

Little Reminders

These days I'm marveling at my outlook on life. Even though the shiny new-ness of my new-found self sometimes gets tarnished and I have to remember how to shine it back up again.. I am still happy. It's amazing how old habits can overtake my brain and I find myself thinking negatively or being unkind. But with only slight effort I can bring myself back to my platform of loving kindness. It's baffling that when I find myself removed from the platform... I have forgetten how to get back to it. I have to start all over from the beginning to remember how to get back there. There are no shortcuts. The beginning.. is BREATHE.. then find the quietness inside. Sometimes, it's hard to find the platform and it takes me a few days of effort. But I'm on it now, and that is what is important. I've been logging all of my summer activities and I can't wait to write them here. Work and Play have kept me busy so actually sitting down and writing it all out will have to wait. I'll have plenty of time once Josh goes to Dallas. I find it amazing that I am comfortable with him going, because I will get to spend quiet time with myself. Amazing, how that thought even crosses my mind as a good thing. It just amazes me. 
Here's a great article I found on Yahoo... I am glad to have read it, because it reinforces the focus I need to keep. In other words... It's Dog Time = now.

Life's little secrets from the young and the old.

by Sarah Beston, Shine Staff, on Mon Aug 16, 2010 8:39am PDT15

Life's simple pleasures are best learned through the young and the old. Those effortless joys that we experience as children at the beginning of life are rediscovered in the end, and they teach us all the secrets we need to live a happy life.


I learned these secrets on my visits to my grandmother's nursing home after she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. Old men and women in wheelchairs lined the hallway. Occasionally one of the patients would look up and smile, but most just concentrated on the person next to them...conversing about something they probably wouldn't remember thirty-seconds later. Who they "were", where they came from, and what they owned didn't matter anymore and you realized it never really did. In the nursing home, as with young children, It was all about the moment-- similar to a dog walking into a room, tail wagging, only to forget a few seconds later why he came into the room to begin with. For a moment I would reflect on how life is cyclical. It starts and ends in diapers. It starts and ends with no teeth. It was interesting to see what put a smile on one's face at a time in life when nothing superficial mattered.


Here are the secrets shared by children and old people that we should always remember:


Secret 1: Ice cream and cookies are always good (even if you don't have teeth)


My grandmother was known as the cookie monster. She was always armed with the Royal Dansk Butter Cookies (those cookies in the blue tin that come in five varieties...pretzel ones, round ones, square ones, swirly ones, and other round ones that aren't as good as the first round ones) and she was not afraid to use them. Ever.


Secret 2: Companionship means everything


Just sitting with someone, even if you can't communicate with words, creates a feeling of love, comfort, and support.


Secret 3: Live for the moment and in the moment


Our minds are what take us out of the present moment. When you quiet your mind and put aside the stress of the past and the anxiety of the future, you can allow yourself to just be. Old people and babies are naturals at this.


Secret 4: Love even if you don't know why


Babies and old people don't judge love, they just love because it feels better than the alternative.

Secret 5: Nap-time is the best

Taking a daily nap can do wonders for your mood and help you feel refreshed at any age.

Secret 6: Take daily strolls

Whether in a stroller or a wheelchair, the fresh air and the feeling of sunshine on your face always generates a sense of calm.


Secret 7: Hum, sing, and dance as much as you possibly can


My grandmother loved "The Twist." If it isn't Chubby Checker and the Fat Boys that get you, so be it, but we all have that one tune that when you hear it you can't help but be in a good mood. That was ours. We would bust it out and when my grandmother could dance she would, and when she couldn't, she would just squeeze my hand as we hummed.


It is the living in between these opposite ends of the spectrum of life where we have to reflect on these times and remind ourselves what truly matters.


What simple pleasures do you enjoy?

How to cure Desire, doubt, restlessness, anger, fear

This is a note to myself for when I feel any of the above for an uncomfortable amount of time. In order to stop the above from spiraling out of control I must practice mindfulness immediately and then meditate and yoga when I get a chance.

1. Recognize that you are suffering from the above and try to identify the problem.

2. If there is a problem and it cannot be immediately solved, recognize that it cannot be immediately solved and the nagging in your brain isn’t going to help.

3. Begin by taking in breathes and letting out breathes and thinking of nothing else. Start with at least ten.

4 Focus intensely on what you are doing right now. Driving, reading, walking. The restlessness will bludgeon your mind unless you learn to focus on the here and now. Focus on what is happening right now in front of you. Sit still and take in what is around you and push out the restlessness in the mind.

5. If you can, read excerpts on Buddhism on how to end suffering, practicing mindfulness and positive thinking or read your Journey! These always bring your thoughts back to the present and help you relax and regain focus.

6. Take the time re-awaken, feel your golden heart and feel the breath escape your diaphragm.

7. Try to remember to meditate regularly. Nothing is permanent so you have to keep returning to center.


Reference: The Eightfold Path for Householders http://www.buddhanet.net/pdf_file/ritepath.pdf
         “It’s really not all that complicated. Sometimes it’s difficult to do, but it’s not all that complicated. Someone once asked Aldous Huxley as he was dying if he could say what he had learned in all of his experience with many spiritual teachers and gurus and much of his own spiritual life, and he said, “It’s embarrassing to tell you this, but it seems to come down mostly to learning to be kinder.” To be kind, though, means that you have to be here, you have to be present for what’s actually in your experience.

A reply to the question "What is Happiness"

Happiness is a good feeling in your heart, tummy and mind. It doesn't matter if you're volunteering in Burma or a CEO of the Playboy Mansion.. so long as you wake up every day with that warm fuzzy feeling.. that is happy!! I drew myself a picture and put it by my refrigerator so I could see it every morning when I first moved into the barn. It says "choose to be happy" It all starts with a choice and I lost that simple idea when I lived with Mike because I was so angry and discusted with him and myself. I had to re-learn that simple thing...that simple CHOICE. And you know, I was thinking about what you said about I have only been doing this for 6 months. It's easy to see the great progress I've made in the past six months but it's taken two years since I first decided that I was tired of being miserable and I wanted to be happy! I remember I had to google "how to be happy" because I had no idea where to begin. NONE. I read all about "loving myself" and "finding myself" and all that crap and had no idea what it meant. I was frustrated with this nonsense so of course I tried to find a more "logical" solution. My first insite was when I read about "The Law of Attraction" and I learned to put into my mind that I wanted happiness. I didn't know what it was but I knew I had to find it. And it lead me to take each piece of my life and study it and if it didn't make me happy I left it behind. It took a lot of trial and error, mistakes, steps backward, burned bridges, giant leaps of faith and just stepping off cliffs but in the end... it was totally worth it. I am a creature of habit... and I don't like to let go of what "I know" because it's secure and I learn to work with it. These past two years have been hard because I've had to let go of EVERYTHING I've known in order to find my Happy. The past six months have been the last stretch of the marathon where I could actually see the light and everything clicked and I finally found the key. If I had changed one thing about the path I've been on, I bet I wouldn't be where I am today.

They run in formation!

Like a flock of birds, horses run in groups and twist and turn and frolic! That was my welcome home yesterday. I walked up to my apartment, that is built out of a barn, overlooking a hill were 5 or 6 horses running around playing. If I could have had a chance to stop and take a video I would have, but by the time I thought of it, they had settled.

I slept with the window open last night and woke up to the sound of pouring rain. It made me snuggle in bed so much closer and it felt wonderful!

I love my new little place. I just hope we can keep the bugs at bay! I'm battling stink bugs!

I feel really good today. There was a time I would blame my up and down moods on my Prozac intake. I can't do that anymore because I'm not on it anymore. I've been clean and sober since December. I feel that the Prozac did nothing for my depression and anxiety and suicidal thoughts and everything to my conscience and feelings. Meaning, it dimmed them and I was unable to make good decisions because of that.

I'm pushing Mike further and further away while he's trying so hard to get me back. I don't want him, I am so much happier without him! I'm certain he'll give up any time now. He must realize it's not going to work. After all that has happened I feel bad that he is hurting. It makes me realize that is something I need to fix about myself. I hurt the people that don't deserve it and care for the people that don't deserve it.

I will nurture my friendships and turn away from those that are toxic.

Note To Self: Buy a fast car from the factory...

This is a reminder to yourself that buying a car thinking you can upgrade it is just a bad idea. After upgrading one part, other ones break and it's a cascading money pit. If you can't afford the fast car, you certainly won't be able to afford all the repairs and upgrades on the project car!

Just buy the damn STI and stop fucking around.