Intrasepection

Today is great, I am working on a new way of thinking and it seems to be helping. It's just an evolution of what I have already been practicing and I can't believe I didn't see it before.  I find it funny how so many things came together at once as you'll see below.
I have always struggled with letting things go. Resentment from the past has always blocked me from fully being present and happy in the moment. Sure I've had those great highs of clarity, but only to come back to reality wondering if the people or circumstances were going to change and hurt me again. It's become a problem since about a week before Josh was to leave. Because the high of our whirlwind summer romance was coming to an end I started to come back to reality. The darkness was overtaking my brain and I was feeling like something bad was going to happen at any second. I think I wrote about struggling and trying to stay focused. Seriously, even on my way back from Dallas I had dreadful feelings.  I landed at Memphis for a layover and there was a voicemail on my phone. I seriously thought it was going to be Josh breaking up with me. I can't trust my gut feelings because it's ALWAYS telling me something is wrong. So I turned to my the Bob Grant book "Women Men Adore" not because I wanted to attract my Josh, but because it is a great guide to being a healthy minded happy female which I wasn't ever taught to be. I read something that I've read at least 4 times and it finally clicked and I decided to give it a try. He explains that you have to let go of resentment from the past. Whether it is from the person you're with or from childhood, past relationships or circumstances. I didn't know how to let go so I just blocked the rest of what he said from my brain. He says letting go of resentment is the willingness to forgive. And part of forgiveness is greiving among 4 other parts that he listed. Grieving is the ADMISSION that you'll never get that moment back that someone took from us. Once I figured out that I just needed to identify each memory that causes me pain, and give it away (mentally see it go away) to the Universe or God or Jesus.
http://www.relationshipheadquarters.com/


Now if you're still with me I need to share what made this finally make sense. I started a book on Mindful Meditation. It's a kind of meditation that allows you to meditate on one certain thought or feeling withoug allowing the feeling to erupt. Versus the kind of meditation that forces your mind to stay silent and peiceful, which I still find useful. Anyway, Say you always feel anxiety when you take your child to the bus stop. You capture that feeling of anxiety and take a good hard clinical look at it... why do you feel anxiety? You could possibly trace that feeling back to a childhood experience at a bus stop that you've always tried to surpress and never actually addressed. So now that I've exercised this form of Meditation and noticed that it actually works. (I did it with my hotel room anxiety, but not my airport anxiety) Grab that bad feeling memory, look at it, say it hurt me because... and then give it away to the Universe, God or Jesus. If it comes back again (which I haven't had that happen yet) then do it again, till it's all gone. Kinda like sweeping crumbs into a dust pan.... it takes more than one sweep but evenutally each crumb as a part of the whole experience or memory gets swept away.

Why do I keep mentioning Jesus, since I've always questioned his existence before? Because I was praying the other night while I couldn't sleep. I was feeling terrible anxiety and I was scared that my bad feelings were my intuition telling me my whole world was going to crumble. And I remembered Josh's Mom saying you just have to let Jesus into your life. Ok, what the heck.... So I just imagine Jesus hanging with me all day and if I get a bad memory or feeling I just hand it over to him. Easy and Done!

So now that I'm not internalizing all my feelings like I have been by meditating and trying to quiet my mind. If a feeling comes up while I try to quiet my mind I address it, analyze it and move on.

I'm trying to keep my "inner child" or soul from trying to escape my body when it feels a bad feeling by taking that memory or feeling and letting it go.

I think that's part of my anxiety.. our soul or inner child trying to escape our bodies, bad feelings and memories. It causes so much stress and confusion on our mind. If we sit quietly and make it calm, then take whatever bad feeling and give it away... maybe it'll work?