Like a flock of birds, horses run in groups and twist and turn and frolic! That was my welcome home yesterday. I walked up to my apartment, that is built out of a barn, overlooking a hill were 5 or 6 horses running around playing. If I could have had a chance to stop and take a video I would have, but by the time I thought of it, they had settled.
I slept with the window open last night and woke up to the sound of pouring rain. It made me snuggle in bed so much closer and it felt wonderful!
I love my new little place. I just hope we can keep the bugs at bay! I'm battling stink bugs!
I feel really good today. There was a time I would blame my up and down moods on my Prozac intake. I can't do that anymore because I'm not on it anymore. I've been clean and sober since December. I feel that the Prozac did nothing for my depression and anxiety and suicidal thoughts and everything to my conscience and feelings. Meaning, it dimmed them and I was unable to make good decisions because of that.
I'm pushing Mike further and further away while he's trying so hard to get me back. I don't want him, I am so much happier without him! I'm certain he'll give up any time now. He must realize it's not going to work. After all that has happened I feel bad that he is hurting. It makes me realize that is something I need to fix about myself. I hurt the people that don't deserve it and care for the people that don't deserve it.
I will nurture my friendships and turn away from those that are toxic.
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3 comments:
You place sounds perfect. I can envision the horses playing and I can almost smell the rain.
I suffer from depression also, but am hesitant to take meds for it. I feel as if they just mask the reason for the depression. If the meds are stopped, the reason for feeling that way is still there. I think "healing" has to come from the inside...slowly.
Some relationships aren't meant to be and you may have to be the one who ends it. Trust me, I know how hard that can be especially when so many things are involved.... guilt, lingering feelings of love, anger, frustration and the worst...the fear of being alone. I always tell people that there are worse things in life than being alone, like being with the wrong person. I've been divorced since 1997 and have been celibate since 2005. I like "badboys" and badboys and relationships don't quite go together, so it was time for me to go to the corner and be in "time-out" for awhile.
haha, the place has its downers.. ie: brown hot water and swarms of stink bugs, lady bugs and other crawlies.. but the good outweighs the bad!
I think you're absolutely right. I can't tell you how many times I've thought about people on meds. It's just a band-aid over the real problem.. usually other people. I'm not even sure if I suffer from depression at all! I was in a bad funk when I got on them 12 years ago and just kept going. Afraid of what life was like without them.
I understand your "time-out", I've got the same problem and forcing my "time out" also. This is the first time in my life I've really been looking forward to going without MAN.
Thank God for you! I'm glad we've found each other!
Babe
Ditto and I look forward reading your next post.
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