Avoidence

My implosion was inevitable and expected this time of year.

That said I’ve been avoiding addressing this subject on here just because it is an admission of a problem.

And THAT being said, I shouldn’t be worried about addressing the following subject on here because hardly anyone reads this. Those who do read it either know me and accept me for who I really am or only know of me through these entries.

Yet another Friday of drinking too heavily and forgetting hours at a time has occurred. I do remember passing out in the back in my carry-on bag, as is my custom. I remember missing a set on stage and asking one of the girls to cover for me. I don’t remember (even today) that a few of my friends came in to see me. I only know they did because one of them emailed me asking why I disappeared. I don’t remember some things I did that one of the dancers (Tasha) told me about the next day. Like loosing my panties… that were on my head. It was a joke I’m sure because she was still laughing about it on Saturday and that is totally something I would do.

The problem is this… I am a menace to myself. My alter ego is really taking over. She is becoming her own person and the only way she can get out is through the alcohol. Candy is REAL. I set a four-drink minimum and I count those drinks by bracelets. I take a drink, I move one bracelet from my left arm to my right. I did this last Saturday and it really worked well. I did not do it this Friday, I meant to, but I decided <"insert ridiculous reason here:">not to count the first drink... then I forgot to move the bracelet with the third…. and fourth and then a customer came in wanting to drink Patron shots with me and by then I was putty in Candy’s hands. I drove home… and I shouldn’t have.

Saturday, I asked the girls who I am closest to for help. I asked them that if they notice I have reached my limit to maybe suggest that I not drink anymore. Oh!!! but it seems that Candy is bull headed when it comes to those trying to tell her what to do. And they told me straight up that they really find me entertaining when I drink a lot and that I don’t bother them that much. I told them that they were using me and that they are mutinous! I don’t like loosing time and forgetting what happened. I don’t like driving home intoxicated. I don’t like letting my friends down and missing sets. It’s not like me to do ANY of these things. I am too much of a control freak.

I am counting on my time off to help me get back to me. Perhaps Candy will shrink back and deflate to manageable. I like Candy, she’s fun, she makes my life interesting, I don’t like it when she takes over and the real me doesn’t remember anything.

You know what really tips me off that I have a problem? I have two more weekends of working at the club and I can’t even FATHOM not drinking while I’m there! That is a problem.

Ps. I’ve already received two bottles of tequila for Christmas.