gutter key

Today I am tired and sore and surprisingly happy. Yes, it’s me. But I feel better. It’s amazing how words and emotional contact can make me feel better. I’ve always said it’s actions not words that make the difference, but maybe I’m changing. It’s funny how I hear compliments a lot from random people but the compliments I get from the person that matters the most is the most important. God, I can’t express the difference it has made in the last few days.

In a way I feel like it’s premature to say these things but he really did try to make me feel good about myself this weekend and it made a big difference. I know he can’t change his opinion of me so fast that he suddenly likes the things he’s been trying to get me to change for years. But at least I feel like it’s not that bad. Like when he looks at my body and tells me the things he would like to see instead of the things he already likes. Or when I wear something I think he would like only to find out it’s not even close. That has always given me such a complex and I think that hearing all those compliments from random strangers and none from the one I love finally broke me down.

Is this they key to my happiness? No. But my god, it reminds me of how much I love him when we talk. And it gives me new hope that things will work out. I just hope this feeling isn’t premature. Because if the things he said and did this weekend were just a random act and he goes back to the same old thing, I’m sure I’ll drop down into madness again. Well… If I feel this positive on a Monday after I worked three nights at the club then maybe things will be ok after-all.

As for this weekend at the club… it was very good and very lucrative. Maybe it’s tax return time, maybe it’s my new hair color or maybe it’s my new confidence in myself but I’m making money again and I like that! I made enough money this weekend that I now can pay off my car. That is a sweet feeling! That is one step closer to my goal. I’m so excited about that!
V-day is this week. I’m riding high on the past few days. I don’t even want to think about this disgusting bullshit holiday that means so much to me.