I've spent a lot of time with friends in the past 2 weeks! IKEA and Costco with Marci and Family to return my overpriced, very uncomfortable futon and get a cheaper, more comfy one! I spent a little time getting to know the people on my farm at a little cookout they had. I went to the track and hung out with my friend Jens, who always has the best advice! I went on a day long hike with my good friend Geneva and showed her a part of West Virginia she never knew existed on Memorial Day. I worked on Tuesday and then took the rest of the week off. I started off my vacation at the DMV to get my drivers license for the new state I live in and then decided to go hiking by myself. It finally hit me that I live in such a unique place, I live by the Appalachian Trail, C&O Canal and quite a lot of historical places within a short drive. So I hopped on Google and chose a place to explore. While walking by myself, a man approached me and said that I should be careful in the direction I was going because there were shady characters ahead. That made me sad a little because I am starting to embrace being by myself and hate to live in fear of walking anywhere. But that's life, so I turned around and found a different place to walk. I felt sooo good getting out! I can't wait to do it again so I made a goal to climb to the top of a cliff and posted a picture of it Facebook to see who wanted to go with me. That evening I had dinner with my neice. We caught up on life and I feel so good that we reconnected and she took some time to actually get to know me. I think I surprised her a little =) The next day me and Josh (more about him below) hiked to the top of that cliff! Friday, we went to the exhibit on The Buddha and the Natural History Museum in Washington, DC. Saturday I went to visit Josh in Virginia and returned home in the afternoon and started another painting and enjoyed being by myself as well. I'm on a mission to do what I want to, not what others want me to. I think I've really conquered my fear and any depressed feelings I have can be wiped clean in a healthy way!
I also did a few things that I maybe should not have.
I contacted Mike to meet. I wanted to find out what I did to deserve to be treated like he did. But I couldn't go through with the meeting. I found myself feeling very angry, agitated and anxious the day before we were supposed to meet. So I canceled. I emailed him instead and asked him why. He said it was because he was afraid of being hurt and he didn't trust me (because of his addiction) and then realized he'd lost the only person that really loved him. He said he still loves me and hoped we would work things out one day. I told him that we wouldn't get back together but hoped, once I can stop being angry, we can be friends.
I want to live life with out feeling angry, agitated and anxious. I want to also be able to forgive and live in peace. One of these days I'll be able to do that. I need to grow beyond that and I think contacting him to gain a better understanding and perspective will help in that process. Specially now that we are away from the whole situation and he's had therapy. I was also hoping it would help me better understand what happened with Bryan. But it didn't and that's ok.
I also spent a lot of time with Josh while on vacation. The Marine from over a year ago.. ok one of the Marines from a year ago. We started out as just hanging out and cuddling and ended up having sex... a few times. I laugh because I should have known that my delusion of a guy (or girl) friend spending the night in my bed wouldn't lead to sex. derrrrr. I know this is the kiss of death for any friendship and/or relationship. And he, like others, has waited for me to be single. (TAKE A NUMBER). Supported me through my break-ups. Had kind supportive words with me when I was down. I can tell you all the great things about him like he's kind, considerate, the only man that actually remembers multiple things about me... or even cared to ask.. like what's my favorite flower? He has good friends, good family and a great job. He's divorced now and now he's 25! Still 10 years behind me but at least a little wiser. He's not the cocky meat-head that I've been attracted to ..... and I like it! It's what attracted me to him before and it still does. He's got some very endearing quailities once he stops feeling awkward. All my friends say that he sounds like great boyfriend material. I was just looking to hang out with a friend and he's the one that responded to my invitations. I wasn't looking for a relationship and he knows that. So, we are just going to enjoy time together whenever we feel like it. I'm not commiting, it makes me sick to think about that. I'm keeping my heart in check and continuing on my road... I sound like a broken record ...... But I'm happy!
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