back pedal!

I sent this to his work email last night guessing he wouldn't be in today:

I know it's over. So what if you don't love me as much as you thought you did, I get that, I'm a big girl. I saw it coming. It's a risk I was willing to take to be with the love of my life.


Why delete me from Facebook and not talk to me anymore? No need to just turn your back on me completely like I did something wrong. I think the hardest part of this is now I don't have you to talk to about my feelings, hopes, fears and nonsense like I have for the last 2 years. Just because you aren't passionate for me doesn't mean I don't want you in my life as a friend.

I just had to get that out there, hopefully one day you'll let me back in. I fear I really must've done something wrong to warrant the hasty retreat.

Sorry to bother you otherwise.
_______-----______-----______

Then I regretted it. Thinking maybe I really didn't want to know what is going on in his life. If he pushed me away this far so fast.. it has to be for a reason. I know I didn't do anything wrong. Although sometimes I do wonder why people push me out of their lives like that. I wonder if I have a split personality I don't know about. I know I'm not the most stable person but my mood changes are pretty normal. I think the problems that I talk about are normal and that we are supposed to tell our friends & loved ones what goes in our heads and lives. Maybe I'm wrong? Am I supposed to be happy and un-emotional all the time?

So I sent him an email this morning apologizing for bothering him and to just delete it and I'll leave him alone.

I've got to keep my head together. This is tough. My feelings are split. My mind says I'll be fine. I'm going through withdrawals and disbelief right now. But my body won't let me sleep or eat. There is another realization that I am coming to terms with. This is something I've never felt before... I can't even put it into words even though it's been said thousands of times before and deserves to be announced on a different post. So I shall save it for a different post.