For Real?

what's it mean when your man "forgets to" or just doesn't call you back, gets off the phone within 2 minutes and is irritating to be around?

yep. That's what I thought too. Dammit.. now I'm going to have to sleep with someone else!

I've been doing really good for the most part. Until the weekends when I go to his house and my whole mood goes down-hill. I feel nauseous and depressed while I'm there. It's just the weirdest thing! I have to wonder if I will feel that way with anyone I date. Bah, while I'm not looking forward to being alone... I'm looking forward to having my time to myself.

It hasn't happened yet, he hasn't outright said.. hey.. I don't think this is working out. But I know it's coming. And I'll be OK with that. He has a lot of great qualities! But he's a slob.. and that's a deal breaker..cause I don't want to spend the rest of my life picking up after a slob. Additionally, his daughter who is adorable in a lot of ways.. Is a total spoiled brat! She will cry to get anything she wants and he thinks she's so cute he complies. I can't compete with that!

This past weekend was a total mental disaster. I felt so depressed and down that I was angry about it! When I get that way I don't even feel like doing anything about making myself feel better. I just get in my own way. So by Monday, I was still feeling bad all day and still fighting back thoughts of suicide and I knew I needed to do something or I'd just rot. I was feeling the urge to exhaust myself and escape my constant worried thoughts. Normally  I would turn to dancing to solve that problem. But this time I actually had an urge to run when I got home, so I did. I haven't ran since high school and didn't like it then. But I put some headphones on and just went with it. And I really liked it. I want to run more!  I came home and did a half hour yoga session and sat down to write an essay for a college scholarship. I felt sooo much better! Even though Mr. Bryan told me on the phone before I ran that everything was ok with us and quickly had to get off the phone again. He text messaged me later saying he was tired and going to bed. Great.. no call like he normally does and no "I love you". Good job big guy.
Anyway, I went to visit my landlords and we talked for hours about the leaky windows, cars, Christ, church, men and so on. It was good stuff. I didn't get to bed till after 11 and woke up at 3:30 a.m. worrying again.

I think I'll survive this one ok. This past weekend really hit me hard that I'll never be able to deal with his messiness and his little girls' spoiled ways. It's a sad thing really, cause we got along so many other ways.  I just have to wonder what brought him to the conclusion that he doesn't want me? Probably my moodiness. Oh Joy.

In the meantime, I've enrolled in a University. I'll start in the fall for a BA in Business Management.  YAAAY ME!