breathing

One breath at a time today.
When I finally hugged her I cried. (I well up remembering the relief I felt as I type) I didn't realize I'd been holding my breath since the last time I saw her. I felt a tremendous pressure roll off my shoulders when we sat down for lunch and she carried on in her usual way of telling me everything that's been going on in her life. I love to hear her talk about her life. She could talk about anything and it would take me away. She takes me away from my inner turmoil and let's me float in her words for awhile. I can't place what it is about my airy Sagittarius that makes me feel so good when I listen to her carry on about what's been going on in her world. It could be her beautiful accent or her extraordinary outlook on life and love. Combine that with her beautiful smile and her hand movements and the way she bounces her body when she's telling me her stories with her extraordinary passion that just takes me away.

At one time I knew that I needed her but I buried that feeling. It scares me to need people. I knew she had to go away for awhile and I didn't want to burden her with my neediness. So I suppressed and with time, I forgot. I forgot, like I always do.

And as I sit to write this down I recall a conversation with Scott yesterday that opened my eyes. He was telling me he won't be happy until he finds someone to love. I told him my theory of it being unfair to the other person to base your happiness solely on them. What if they fail? I have been trying to find my own happiness and not rely on others to give it to me. (you see how happy I am now, right?)
Scott replied saying that he needs support in his life and he can't do it alone. And that made me think that maybe I do too. I need a lot of support, but I'm so scared of being hurt I try to be strong and stand on my own and here I am lonely and unhappy even though I have lots of wonderful people around me.
Funny how the Universe opens my eyes so kindly when I need it. I have to learn how to balance my inner strength and letting others in so they can bring me joy.
**
Thank you so much my Kitty for driving all the way to see me that day. I truly, truly needed that and you are my angel.