3/24/10 In my hut 12:57 p.m.

I'm eating chocolate covered coffee beans as quietly as possible. I find it hard to be quiet. My beautiful, six foot tall, blond, Russian American room mate naps on her bed on the other side of the room.
(my cabin on the beach)



I feel the need to be quiet through-out my day. I see the other people like me here, mostly women, mostly older - at least look older. They all have their own story. There are also those that are vibrantly loud. Those that are coarsely loud and then those who exude a hierarchy that I don't understand.
(women doing yoga on the beach is common)

I avoid all of the above.

I feel very sensitive to all the people listed above, even my room mate.

I feel she is a very peaceful loving creature with a broken heart. don't want to intrude on her peace with my baggage. We get along very well. We respect each others views which are mostly the same. I feel she is very much in tune with herself and is beyond my progress by far at 32 years old.

*Beautiful Girl*

(Tamara, my room-mate)

I feel the smuggled tuna salad and crackers and coffee beans kick in as I finish that last paragraph. I have settled on a routine that feels good in theory. I will skip the 6 a.m. *mandatory satsang (meditation & prayers) and the 8 a.m. yoga. I'll walk down the beach to the resort for coffee at 8:45 and enjoy the beach and the waves till they serve brunch at 10 a.m. I'll read, eat, sun, nap in no particular order till 4 p.m. yoga.



(These steps are very tricky, when I first came I was tripping up them because the rise was so small, they forced me to slow down and think about every step I took.)


I woke at 5:45 a.m. this morning to the bells and Tamara leaving. Got up, trekked to the bathroom to brush my teeth and pee and headed to the Temple for Satsang. I sat cross legged in silence with 40 to 50 other people trying to quiet my mind, trying to find a comfortable position for my back and neck. That was when I decided I didn't want or feel the need to meditate with a group. Constant shifting and noises broke my concentration and sent my mind darting to my lost first aide kit. "Where is it?" "What if something happens? "Who took it? TSA?" "I have a headache..." "I need to get my antihistamine" "Where will I go?" "Will I have time?" " I need a razor too... don't forget that." ....


So I left at 6:25 a.m. back to bed. Back to my waves crashing at my head.. and slept.. dreaming of missing yoga and praying to elephant head gods.







(The temple, you'll see Jesus Christ's Picture among the Hindu dieties and Swami Sivananda.. note No Buddha)















I woke again to see Tamara arrive and leave for 8 a.m. yoga. And again at 8:45 when I decided to hike down the beach for coffee, meds and a razor. I found all at the resort.






The resort is palatial! I can't decide if I love it, or hate it!




(Atlantis Resort - Reef and Cove) <-- click for reference


After lunch/breakfast at the Ashram (retreat property) and taking pictures I went to the little store on site and combed through various pictures of blue dieties, elephant head gods and multi-limbed Gods trying to find some post cards that embody this retreat. None to be had. Either generic Bahamas or laminated $6.00 pictures of the Swami founder Sivananda. The fat guy with the grey streaks who's picture is everywhere here.



I'm not so sure about the religion that is taught. It's still not the Buddhism that I am learning. (after-note... there ain't no Buddhism here).







The water is too cold to swim in. So I scrap the snorkeling plans for the week.






"And I just remembered where my first aid kit is! It's in my snorkel bag!"







I found a perfect place to read and nap today, provided that there aren't any loud souls nearby. It is in a hammock tucked under coconut trees outside my window. It reminds me of a picture I drew when I was in therapy about 12 years ago. She asked me to draw a picture of a safe place so I drew exactly that. A hammock tucked under coconut palm trees and behind a little foliage on a beach.

(see the hammock on the left)





I am reading a book about Buddhism. "Teach Yourself Buddhism". I decided to put down the book written by the dancer. It was bringing me back into a world that I wish to leave far behind. I still want to read it, but not here, not now.

The book on Buddhism is good feeling factual basics on Buddha and his teachings. I can dig it.

~~~7:30 p.m.~~~

"My religion is very simple - my religion is kindness." ~ Dalai Lama

My yoga session was great! I was apprehensive to go. The teacher/instructor made all the difference. In his care my whole day came together. I felt more focused and was able to cast out a lot of negativity and memories that continually replay in my mind when I have a quiet moment.

I was actually finally able to resolve why my x-husband was able to let go of me so easily. He knew he couldn't keep me happy. He knew he was holding me back. Or maybe, he didn't know, but felt ok to let go. I finally feel at peace with that.

I'm about to go to Satsang. I'm interested to see my own reception of it today. I feel so much better than I did yesterday. Maybe it was the drawing I did of the palm trees and the hammock. I sat in my window and drew because I couldn't find a post card that conveyed what I am getting from this place. I wrote a note on another piece of paper and mailed it to someone special.