Last night Tamara and I talked and laughed. We have a way of opening up and talking about our lives on a psycho/ therapeutic level. Every piece of advice Tamara has is very wise and insightful. I asked her why it was that my family is practically non-existent in my life. When I see families with very bad, troublesome members that still love each other, I don't think I'm that bad of a person. She said it was because I'm not a significant part of any of the families involved. All my siblings had a life before I was born and I was only partially integrated and no bonding ever took place. And that made sense and made me feel very alone. But not uncomfortable. I feel pretty steady with myself at this point.
As we talked I was going through my writing and numbering and dating pages. I couldn't believe the transformation from total bliss to total anger in such a short span of time. The turning point, according to my notes, was whirling and this I told to Tamara. I reminded her of Davod's statement about the soul writhing to get out. And that brought chills to both of us. I told her what I wrote about the sadness and sorrow I felt. She said she could visibly see the change in me after the workshop. After I came to terms with this, I concluded that the "dance" released a lot of my soul's pent up sadness and anger and without the proper knowledge to get rid of it fully it soaked in instead of expelled completely. I don't think this man knew the extent of what he did. And it is very unlike me to play into this voodoo hokey nonsense.
Today, Tamara and I went to Nassau to look around. We wanted to spend our last day at the Bahamas enjoying the tourist aspect. We took the little boat across the bay and walked to the tourist area where the cruise ships dock. We saw the "Oasis of the Seas" the largest cruise ship in the world. (pictured in previous post next to a Carnival ship) We walked through the small crowds. I was approached by a 10 year old Bahamian girl who put a "free sample" bracelet on my wrist that matched my purple tank top. She mumbled something and asked me for my name and shook my hand then mumbled some more before mentioning a donation. "Traditionally five bucks" she said clearly. Of course I gave. I admire such bravery to approach strangers for money. I used to do it after-all.
We walked some more and we came across some craft and t-shirt bazaars and some beautiful wood crafts. I loved that the merchants would sit outside and work on their crafts as we pass by. I bought a sea turtle and a monkey set. Turtle for my bathroom & monkey (see, hear, speak no evil) for Linda. We made our way back after I had enough of people and spent all my money.
We may attend yoga or we may go for a swim or walk on the beach. We'll decide later.
- ---In My Room After meditation and chanting/prayer - ---
We walked down the beach to Starbucks and a little further down to a cove that has a surfaced reef that jets out into the ocean. We talk so much about life and we dig deep inside for true feelings and introspection. We say what we really feel, which sometimes are predictions or insights. An outsider would find us very spiritual.. or crazy.
We think a lot alike and we have talked about how it was meant to be that we found each other here in the Bahamas. We were exactly what each other needed to continue on our journey.
Our last evening meditation was profound for me. I finally found myself a comfortable position and realized that even though I have talked about God and thought about God all week I haven't once stopped to talk to God. To say please or thank you. So I send up a little thank you for sending me here and all the experiences I've had. Good or bad and in between. And I get this message after I start thinking that I shouldn't dwell on the soured people here and their judgemental attitudes. But to remember all the growth I've accomplished. I was trying to ensure I keep that with me and not loose myself again. ~I can't remember ever doing anything like this for myself - EVER ~
I asked God to help me never forget. And I get an image of a fist in my head. The fist is a representation of my heart. And then this message flowed through....
~You are Heart Centered~
You begin with your heart
You come back to your heart
Your heart will always be constant and strong
You will always have someone to help you
You will soon be giving away lots of energy
Someone special will be there to give you energy and support you and protect you
April you begin preparation. September you begin your journey.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What a very powerful message I received right before meditation ended. What a profound statement for my head to come up with. I hadn't been able to put a good thought down on who I was until now.
I AM very heart centered. I protect it and bury it a lot. I push people away. I am or have been unfriendly or almost unkind to try to keep those unkind souls from hurting my heart. It's fragile and soft, so I thought. But when I am lost or down I am supposed to look at my fist and realize my heart is just as solid and strong and will not diminish. It is mine and It can't be taken away. I can speak through it, from it and with it and it won't empty ~ever~. It may grow tired and I must learn to rest it and care for it, but it won't disappear. Thinking of myself this way makes me smile and it feels like sunshine on my skin.
I don't know what I'm supposed to be preparing for in September. Just like how in the last six months I've always looked towards this April to be a transition period. I always set it as a date to leave Mike if he didn't change, but now it's a beginning of a new me.
I was so astonished at this very loud and vibrant message to come to me during mediation that I grabbed my bag with pen and paper and wrote it down immediately. I was so shocked I told Tamara I was a little un-nerved and she said "There is no reason at this moment to be absorbed by this message. It won't drop all at once, it will happen over time when you are ready"
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