so you can remember Mike

Wednesday March 10 in response to his letter to me....

Yes, you are exactly right. I will say that if you hadn’t treated me like shit and then cheated on me then it wouldn’t be like this. You took me for granted and on top of it all LIED & cheated on me.

I didn’t want you to give me space because I wanted to see what you were talking about that your wall was down. I wanted to see if I liked it and what it was all about. I was hoping that I could grow to forgive you and love you all at the same time. I was actually getting the attention from you that I had craved for so long.

When you blocked me out again, I realized that I didn’t have the heart to withstand the wall. I’d rather just walk away than to go through that pain one more time. I’m like a burn victim right now.. getting near any heat makes it sting that much worse.

I still find myself trying to be kind to you and treat you in a loving manner, even though I’m so resentful and angry at you. And it pisses me off that I do that. So I’m just going to tell you like it is.

The time I’ve spent away from you has surprised me. I’m actually enjoying life more than I thought I would. Yes, it’s hard because I’m alone but there are a lot of things I don’t miss about you…..

The way you would sit in your chair and use your laptop as a wall to block me.

The way it was impossible to move in for a kiss or a hug.

The way you hated what I wore even down to my shoes.

The way you would start each statement with “that’s what I said” even though It wasn’t even an issue.

The way you would not thank me for how I supported us for the whole time we were together.

If I bought or got anything for myself you would be pissy and ask “where’s mine?”

It pisses me off how it pained you to even give me any kind of massage when I was in pain and you expected me to take care of you like that.

No affection and no physical contact made me feel like I was disgusting.

How you would reject me for sex over and over and then come to find out you were finding women on the internet to fuck.

You took for granted that when you were out fucking your boss Billie from Gold's (saw the nice vagina pic of her in your naked picture collection) I had dinner waiting for you at home. The house was always clean and the laundry always done. When it came time for you to be home, you decided we should alternate house cleaning and actually sat and watched me do it! And bitched when I didn’t notice what you did.

You were so angry at me because I asked you to do some stuff while you were off work that you through a fit, left for the weekend and finally told me I could leave if I wasn’t happy. Clayton gave you away on that one too.. he mentioned all the texts you were getting while you were away.. I knew they weren't from me because I wasn't texting you.

The next month you kicked me out because of an argument we had.

I hate now that you somehow find money to buy things that could have went to sharing the bills I paid. You don’t have money for gas but you have money for other stuff.

You brought up in every fight that you can’t take me places because someone might recognize me. I think you didn’t want to take me out for fear you would run into some of your fuck buddies.

(I should have included: Remember all those times you would find me on the couch after we went to bed? You asked me what was wrong and I would tell you my nose was running. It was running because I was crying. Or how about the day I cried all day long because you were such a dick. I hadn't even done anything wrong to be treated that way!! I needed affection, to be held, touched, kissed, loved and you had pushed me away, I felt alone and rejected and you didn't care.)

I think you miss me only for what I did for you and how I took care of you. You don’t love me for me. You still can’t tell me reasons why you love me other than what I do for you.

You’re hurting now while I’m away. I was hurting every day being rejected by you. When I said I forgot about waking up and choosing to be happy, it was because I was waking up next to you angry and resentful from being pushed away coldly the night before, from never being able to please you and from feeling disgusting and ugly.

Yes, you may be showing me the man I want and need now. That doesn’t take away the resentment and anger over the way you treated me and THEN even though I treated you like a king….. cheated on me anyway. Think about that for a minute. You're showing me the man you KNEW you should be then. If you knew it and didn't show it.. then you didn't care!! And honestly, if you hadn't had a job or gotten into college by April.. I was going to leave you anyway. I felt like I was being used, no affection, no love and you only thought of yourself. I wanted so much for you to show me you loved me that I wanted to wait as long as possible and give you every opportunity.

How can a man change that much? I have no idea. You need a lot of help. I unload on you now so you see the things I saw and know what you did. Meanwhile, I’m going to be working through my anger, hurt and resentment on my end. I may not always make the right decisions in my path, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to get hurt again.

“these days ahead are hard and we will learn a great deal about ourselves”

Like I said on Monday.. I need time to heal, time to forgive and time to work on me. please keep your distance. This is part of my healing process.

------------