Psycho-analyze

The people I am staying with are such a dynamic family. I love them dearly. True heaven sent angels. Each one of them!

I came home last night after dinner with Mike and we sat and talked about what is happening and tried to make sure I am taking the smart steps. Even though I go against their better judgement of seeing him at all, none of us knows what the right steps are. Each one of us tried to analyze the situation to the point we all got confused in the end. And it left me exhuasted.

I explained to them that I want to see him just to see him. I'm trying not to put too much thought into all of this. I want to see what I see. I want to observe. To see what I didn't like, to see what he says has changed. To experience this all.

I'm not changing my path. I'm very much in to going forward with my plan. I know in my heart that's what I want. He respects that and I repsect that. He knows (or says he knows) that he has to work on him. "these changes are for me to be a better me. To let my light shine while letting you see it" If he does what he says he's going to do then we have the potential for a very special bond. If not, then I'm still on my path and he has had a chance and a choice to better himself.

Will it hurt if he doesn't change? yep.
Would it hurt if he wasn't trying and he just walked away? FUCK YEAH

I weigh those options and I like that he's showing me he's trying. He may give out after awhile. He may never become the man I want. So be it. It still won't hurt as bad if he had just walked away and said.. "I never loved you. You aren't worth trying for."

February 14, 2011 is when I will be willing to take that risk again.

Meanwhile... I found a Tibetan Meditation Center I want to go to. I want to learn how to shut the world out and get rid of all of this angst inside. Wouldn't it be nice if I could stop analyzing every detail of my life and just breathe? ... why yes it would...