Chronologically... I've come round to a place that I was about 10 years ago. Back to the timid me that didn't trust anyone. That was quiet and observant. I'm back to studying people and back within myself. Conservative and cautious. Back to the box that I so wanted to get out of before. It's safe, roomy and secure. Hopefully it can keep me from being hurt anymore. Me and my past that I am so self conscious of. I hate it. I hate that I walked into that world. At this point in my life I feel like I've wasted the last ten years. I wish that I never met my X. I look back at the person I was and the person I became. Why would I do such a thing? I was a good person. I was conservative and timid. Then I found myself adjusting my world to his so we could get along better. And the adjustments weren't for the better. My outlook on life went dark. I became depressed and sad. I smoked pot just to get along with his friends. I was considered an outcast and a threat if I didn't. I gave up my favorite activities, gardening, reading and hiking.
I am at this point looking back and trying not to blame him, but to find the blame in myself. There are two sides to every story, and I need to find mine.
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2 comments:
Many years ago I told my ex that the only person I hated more than him was me for ever loving him. I think we tend to be harder on ourselves than we are on others...look at the control over our lives that we give people when we retreat into our safe little places (by the way my safe place is called "my cave"). I guess my point is that shit happens and when it does, we have to ride it out the best way we can. From one survivor to another...hang in there!
Thank you Mildred. It's a crazy life we lead.
xoxo
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