Wanna bees: There’s a young cocktail waitress that is seriously thinking about movin on up to the dark side. She was walking around in borrowed shoes trying to get accustomed to them. She told me that she had a really hard time walking in heels in general so actually trying to dance in stripper shoes was going to be hard. We talked about what people had told her and what she thought the job would be like. She said that it must be much harder than being a cocktail waitress and in a way she’s right. But not in the physical sense. I think it’s harder in the mental sense. I told her that the easiest part of the job was being naked on stage. And she looked at me in wide eyed innocent wonder. “Wow! That looks like the hardest part.” I told her no, it’s being down on the floor talking to customers, trying to figure them out and trying to leech every cent out of their wallets and then having them go to the ATM for more. Our conversation is still whirling around in my head. And this is something you’ll never hear dancers talk about, not even to each other. It takes skills and practice that I am just now figuring out after more than a year of working. And it’s not something I’m proud of out here in the real world. But when I am Candy, in the club I can do it and not feel bad. I become a different person in there. It’s like having dual personalities. And sitting here in my calm blue fabric cubicle thinking about it… well it kinda scares me that I can be two people and those two people need each other. In a way it’s given me the skills to read people but then it also has given me instinct to question anything anyone says. This is the leeching of the soul that I speak of sometimes.
Work and work: My first debut of my modeling agency was yesterday. Guess who showed up at the club on Sunday night? I should have guessed and expected it would happen. My client for Motorsports Models. Sure thing! That was almost a disaster and I’m really glad the guy that hired me and my girls is really cool and I made such a great impression on him in the beginning. He made sure to tell me that he was very excited about using my services because I was very professional and I had an aggressive attitude about my business. I told him that was because I have a vision and I know what is expected. I’m excited about bringing my clients visions to reality. He was very pleased. I’m very glad that I got the chance to actually sit and talk to him.
Model issues: One of my models that works with me at the club Essence did not feel comfortable with the racers being there but she decided that she would talk to them anyway. She was upset when they treated her badly and made sure to tell me about it. I told Essence that if anyone asks about seeing her at the club to tell them that she doesn’t know what they are talking about. That will prompt them to realize that the subject is not to be brought up at the track. She only partially listened to my advice, turns out that some of her regular customers are racers from the same organization and she didn’t mind talking to them at the track. In the end she was upset that everyone at the track knew what she did. I reminded her that there are consequences with being an exotic dancer. I understand that risk and it does not bother me. As long as I conduct myself in a professional manner on the track and at the club, there is no reason for me to be embarrassed.
Black lists: There was a slight hiccup with my client visiting at the club the night before. One of the other dancers decided that she wanted to come out and model also. She wanted to be paid more than twice what I was paying my girls. My client explained to her that he was working with me on this. He explained to her that we had a business relationship and that he wasn’t about to go beyond that. She really tried to have him hire her and she was not about to talk to me about joining my team. I asked my client if he really wanted her to be there and he explained that he liked her personality. This was not all; she also had to talk to Essence. The intruding dancer wanted Essence to know that she was not being paid enough and berated her for working for so little money. I finally had to tell the dancer that she was going to work for the same amount of money as the other girls and that was final. Thank God she didn’t show up at the track. She’s not part of my group for a reason. This is something that I will have to be aware of in the future… that and remembering that the clients will most likely show up at the club.
In the end:
With all this drama, the day passed by so quickly. I thought about my father often and that left me feeling sober. Today, I wish I had taken more time to myself to just sit and think. Every day when my mind is quiet; He creeps into my thoughts and sits with me for a while. The visions have been coming back and I push them away as fast as they arrive. My superman lying frail on a hospital bed, unable to lift his head or even his hands. Staring quietly at the ceiling. I wish it had been different. I knew that eventually he would leave this earth, I only wish it could have been different. I not only lost a father, I lost a mother and a large part of my family.
Treasure them you guys, you never know what could happen tomorrow.
Candy
Ps. Here is a picture from yesterday… do you think I look ok?
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